AIBU to question why I am so ungrateful and selfish?

[alphabetagammaray]

Sounds a bit dramatic I know, but I am so frustrated that I never seem to be really happy, no matter what I have or have done. I have to put it down to being an inherently selfish person because my life to everyone else would appear really good.... and it is, so why do I feel on the edge of agitated and angry a lot of the time, and so impatient?

I am married, mid 40s, 2 lovely children, one adult, one 11 years old. Husband loves me, no money worries, yet I can never feel carefree and really relaxed and happy, not sure I ever have to be honest.

I am very serious, organised, a planner. A few years ago I had a bit of anxiety, took medication and attributed it to my stagnant life at that time. I became a mum very young, and never really achieved anything in my life. Have run a small business for 16 years, and employ a few people, and worked before that, have always worked, but never in an area I was interested in, always to suit my family life.

So after soul searching, went to college, now at uni full time (as well as running business still, and a home and caring for my 11yo DC and 87 yo MIL who lives with us, but is fairly independent). Uni is intellectually stimulating and I love learning, I also am on placement a lot as it is an AHP course. It is stressful commuting, and keeping on top of everything, but that is my choice, I didn't have to do it. I love uni and want to work in the profession I have chosen, but do question why I need to do this. I wish I could just accept what I have, as I know I am lucky, and not feel the need to 'do' anything else.

I don't even know why I am posting really, I just feel so disappointed in myself that I have got what I wanted (going to uni, it was a struggle to get DH on board for me to do this) yet I am still a miserable old woman underneath it all, I am a rubbish mother and wife as I am so serious all the time. I just don't seem to know how to have fun anymore. Anyone else like this?

I’m a bit confused by this. You feel agitated, angry, anxious, never relaxed and that you haven’t achieved anything?

I’m curious why you don’t see any achievements in your life even before uni - does your business make money? Do you see looking after the family as not worthy of admiration?

And why are you feeling angry? What makes you angry?

Maybe you have clinical depression, I certainly think you should speak to a counsellor or psychotherapist about this.

Some people are serious. But why are you angry?

Why wasn't your DH on board with you going to uni?

I’ve added uni (also AHP course) on top of an already complicated life where I could have done other things. I am loving the course & it does feel a bit indulgent at times because we have so much other stuff going on.

Do you feel guilty for enjoying the course? You are allowed to do that for yourself & have that. You don’t have to be at home fir everyone else all the time.

Honestly? I’d look for some decent therapy to maybe try and understand why you feel that you ‘should’ be happy with your lot and why you are struggling to see that you ‘deserve’ this course. Armchair analysis there for which I apologise but you sound as if you feel guilty about the uni course.

Thanks RhiWrites.

No I don't see any value in what I have done really, yes my business makes enough money to keep going, and employ a few people (who are wonderful employees, I am lucky to have them) but I am not proud of it, and don't enjoy doing it, hence my need for a new career.

Maybe I do need to speak to someone about it. I felt similar to this when I went on medication last time, and the medication took it all away, but I need to find a better way around dealing with my feelings I think.

I feel the most angry at having to look after everyone, and this is what makes me feel selfish. Even though I am doing what I want to do, I still have to put everyone else first. Thinking about it, maybe that is the crux, I am responsible for literally everything house, finances, washing, cleaning, shopping, appointments, animals, cooking....always have been. Now I do put myself first when I study but feel incredibly guilty about it, and still keep on top of everything so that my selfish decisions don't negatively impact the family, or my business.

I guess I am just not cut out for the nurturing role.

devilishpyjamas yes, you get it . And yes I do feel guilty for doing it, and enjoying it.

spaghettijumper DH thought I was too old to do this and should be thinking about early retirement more than a new career. I think he was unhappy at the changes it would bring. I have tried my upmost to keep them minimal, and think I have done ok so far. He still hasn't had to do any extra stuff really, I arranged childcare, and do the other jobs around my uni/placement hours.

Why is all the childcare, house work and caring falling on your shoulders OP? How does your DH contribute? Is he pulling his weight?

CantWaitToRetire because I have always done it. He earns way more than I ever have or could, so it's always split that way, and as my business was flexible I could run it around the home commitments. I guess I just fell in to the most convenient and comfortable life for all, and now am questioning it. I just come across as negative and miserable though.

I have enabled this for decades though so it's my own fault really. How come some people are happy just to be the carers and supporters in a family? Why can't I be like that?

I totally relate to what you've written and yes, it comes down to pressure. I do feel I have the perfect life and am so happy yet I rarely seem to act as such. In my case, it is because I live and have done so now for years, in a constant state of exhaustion. Because its been so long, I don't know any different any longer. I wake up almost every day thinking of the day ahead as having to cope with it all to make it to the end. As such, it's hard to actually get to enjoy it.

Like you, I hold much responsilities and indeed e eryone relies on me to do so. I'm good at it so it's taken for granted. Saying that, Ive had some health scare and that has helped putting things into perspective. One thing I've started doing is going for long walks, switching of and reassess my life and all what I'm grateful for. I also started to write a note daily about one positive thing that happened that day and put it in a jar.

The best thing for us is mindfulness. Sadly the only free course available in my area is in the middle of the week and day, so no good for me.

It sounds like you're trying to find a way be happier with being treated like shit tbh.

I'm the same OP.

Lost all my sparkle
But perfect life, I really don't understand it and hate myself for being such a misery.

I get angry facilitating everybody else's perfect lives. When I'm working it has to around everybody else...it really does, my husband works away alot.

I think anger is a normal human reaction to being treated like you don't really matter.

So you’ve been trained to think doing anything for yourself is selfish?

I think anger is a healthy human response to this.

It’s not selfless vs selfish OP. There’s a middle ground called self care. You are allowed to enjoy your course, to take a long bath, to go for a walk, to read a book. You don’t have to always be doing something for others.

Today 07:53 Spaghettijumper

It sounds like you're trying to find a way be happier with being treated like shit tbh.

I don’t think it comes across as the OP is being treated like shit at all!
For someone who had their first child very young, it sounds like she’s got to the point of having a very comfortable standard of living, and in reality has achieved a lot... establishing a business, raising 2 children and also coping with an elderly MIL. I don’t see it as the OP complaining about her lot, I would imagine she’s thankful to have a partner who earns so much more than she ever had that it takes away any financial pressure and facilitates her choices such as going to university.

I hear what you’re saying OP, and fwiw I suspect it’s a fairly common feeling in modern life. That feeling of being a bit disappointed, unfulfilled, never quite able to live in the moment and appreciate what you have? I second the suggestion of trying mindfulness. I was a bit sceptical about it at first but I have to say I’m a convert. It’s about being able to appreciate every little moment in life, and re connecting with yourself.

I get the feeling the OP has already achieved a lot and is continuing to move forward and achieve new things; she just isn’t really ‘feeling’ it and is perhaps over-thinking things -‘why don’t I feel happier?’ - rather than learning how to ‘let go’ and just be.

OP it seems to me that because you have taken responsibility for all the domestic chores you feel resentful (as many women do) and angry as you would secretly rather have followed your dreams...but society tends to make women feel guilty for not wanting to /being responsible for the family unit....

Therefore we can feel torn between our need to express how we really want to live our lives and how we feel we need to to be 'fair' to our dcs/elderly parents/dhs etc....of course this may not relate to you, just an opinion.

Just wondering when anyone looks after you OP? Do you ever do anything nurturing for yourself? Do you have enough free time just for you? It sounds like you look after your employees and your MiL too. The trouble is that while you can keep going for decades like this, eventually it catches up with you. Your DH has kind of set you up a bit by not being keen on the university idea as you probably feel like you can't complain about being tired as he'll blame you for taking on the degree.

The risk is you'll just burn out though. I second the idea of having therapy. But not to learn to put up with what you've got. More to discover why you have learned to accept so little from others and just believe you have to look after everyone. Were you conditioned to put others first, for instance? You only have one life and it's not fair for it to completely involve making everything easier for everyone else with nothing left for you.

Anxiety / Deppression ... Medical conditions that might simply need further addressing. Have you tried CBT? .

It's very easy to be able to realise you have a comfortable life, but still feel there is something missing, this could be part of an underlying "mental illness" that you just cant shake off because you are fortunate. Irrational thoughts are very much part of A&D ... I'd try to talk to a healthcare professional about it. And good luck! ..

Sounds more like you're being pulled in all directions and that all the caring responsibilities you're shouldering is having an effect on you rather than you being ungrateful and selfish. So try not to be so hard on yourself.

Uni in itself is stressful, add to that everything else you're doing no wonder you seem so serious. Is there any opportunity for some real time for yourself where something isn't expected of you?
Other people are happy to be carer's or homemakers etc because that is how they're built and derive their bliss from those things - just because they are doesn't mean you have to be the same or are the same.

So basically for your whole life, you have done things for other people.
A job that you didn’t like so your DH could have the career he wanted.
A job that would also fit around your dcs and I imagine they came first before any other endeavour you couod have done for yourself.

And now you have decided to go for what YOU actually want, someth8ng you really enjoy and your DH is grumpy because it changes the balance and he might, god forbid, have to step up a little for YOU. The fact you have spent your whole life doing things for him, putting your life in hold, of course isn’t the same.....

OP I really really dint think you are selfish. What you have is a clear case of actually being never selfish enough to do things that matter to you and to do something for you instead of anyone else.
Somehow the pressure of not changing anything for your DH because HE thinks its an indulgence is there too.

Stop and reclaim your life.
Do something for yourself, something you enjoy.
There is nothing wrong with that and that’s doing exactly that that will give meaning to your life.
It’s the difference between living your life, truly living it (and grabbing opportunities as they come, making a difference your way to people around you) and just living through life, letting things happen to you wo ever any control over it and somehow wishing time away because there is nothing there for you.

And your DH is totally wrong to make you feel bad about pursuing something for yourself for once. He might need to be reminded of that.

Is the anger at your dh for not supporting your retraining and change? Or at yourself for not managing it all? Retraining will always bring gains and loss - you won't be able to just add it on. Things need to adjust.

Btw, the answer to how to deal with that feeling is for me to stop being everything for everyone else.

Who had the idea of taking your MIL? Your DH?
Who was it that thought it had to be your responsibility to look after her? Your DH? And what is he doing re looking after her?

But to arrive at a point where you will have region enough self worth to think it’s ok for you to carry in doing Uni work, be happy about it, excited even and not feel guilty about it, you might need to work with a counsellor.

I think it’s called expanding your horizonts.
People grow, change. For so long you have had a very clearly defined role, but things change, people change, their needs change.
You’ve been a Beverly for 20 odd years. And now you’re realising you’re not Beverly, you’re alpha.

It’s all normal.

I think this probably stems from having a child so early.

You have missed out on the bit where you were “young free and single”
At university you are doing something for you and just you so are recapturing your youth

But on top of that you are also responsible for everything and everyone.

Can I ask why looking after your MIL is down to you and not your dh whose mother she is.

I think the anger is that the mental load you have is not the same as your dhs

If you both shared everything and then you just had the university course you would probably feel a lot differently.

But why shouod the OP retrain and still manage to do all the things she was doing wo expecting any support from her DH??

The fact he is a higher earners than her doesn’t mean he can just dump all his responsibilities as a father and a son onto her.
The fact he has a career THANKS TO her support doesn’t mean he shouldn’t lift a finger ever again and anything else is her responsibility.
A relationship shouod be two ways. She has supported him for years. Maybe it’s time for him to support her by taking in some of the responsibilities she has (some of which should have, at least, been shared anayway!)

Try reading this
www.amazon.co.uk/Adult-Children-Secrets-Dysfunctional-Families/dp/0932194532/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&tag=mumsnetforum-21&qid&sr
No one has the perfect childhood. This is not just for abusive ones.

When I walk in the countryside alone (someone else there is distracting) I feel an almost overwhelming surge of wonder and pleasure in the beauty. It has taken many years for me to be able to acknowledge this and FEEL it. This sort of thing is missing from your life you are so busy DOING.