AIBU to question why I am so ungrateful and selfish?

[alphabetagammaray]

Sounds a bit dramatic I know, but I am so frustrated that I never seem to be really happy, no matter what I have or have done. I have to put it down to being an inherently selfish person because my life to everyone else would appear really good.... and it is, so why do I feel on the edge of agitated and angry a lot of the time, and so impatient?

I am married, mid 40s, 2 lovely children, one adult, one 11 years old. Husband loves me, no money worries, yet I can never feel carefree and really relaxed and happy, not sure I ever have to be honest.

I am very serious, organised, a planner. A few years ago I had a bit of anxiety, took medication and attributed it to my stagnant life at that time. I became a mum very young, and never really achieved anything in my life. Have run a small business for 16 years, and employ a few people, and worked before that, have always worked, but never in an area I was interested in, always to suit my family life.

So after soul searching, went to college, now at uni full time (as well as running business still, and a home and caring for my 11yo DC and 87 yo MIL who lives with us, but is fairly independent). Uni is intellectually stimulating and I love learning, I also am on placement a lot as it is an AHP course. It is stressful commuting, and keeping on top of everything, but that is my choice, I didn't have to do it. I love uni and want to work in the profession I have chosen, but do question why I need to do this. I wish I could just accept what I have, as I know I am lucky, and not feel the need to 'do' anything else.

I don't even know why I am posting really, I just feel so disappointed in myself that I have got what I wanted (going to uni, it was a struggle to get DH on board for me to do this) yet I am still a miserable old woman underneath it all, I am a rubbish mother and wife as I am so serious all the time. I just don't seem to know how to have fun anymore. Anyone else like this?

It’s often the norm to outsource household duties or share them with partners when the SAHP retrains/works.

Can you employ a cleaner/cook who can keep an eye on your kid and chat to your mum? 3 days a week.

Also your DH. He can surely do one weekday evening meal and you another. Tasks should be 50/50

You are an organised planner who takes on everything for a reason. I was the sorter outer in a dysfunctional family as a child and it carried on into adulthood.

Also weekends household responsibilities should be 50/50

I'm like you, not a natural nurturer.

If everything falls to you no wonder you're resentful and angry. I think you need a bit more equality in your life, so that you're not shouldering the burden all the time. You're always putting yourself last. Not a good thing. It's not selfish, it's taking care of yourself.

What's your relationship with your DH like? Why doesn't he help out?

Your DH should be looking after his mum more, not you

Op I hear you I feel exactly the same - I feel invisible. I have had people tell me I'm miserable and never seem happy 😐 which really hurt. I have had a lot of crap to put up with though (not saying my life worse or better than anyone else's) I have a tm who frequently tries to mess things up despite nc. I have sen children one of whom is very aggressive and I have very few friends. There are other things that have happened too but far too outing. What I don't get is that others seem very critical of me and cynical yet I don't really say anything to anyone about what goes on because of comments I have had previously. I do have resting bitch face too so perhaps that doesn't help, but certainly doesn't make my feelings any less valid. Dh is great but he works away a lot and for weeks at a time so I guess I feel lonely and like you I have no real achievements other than supporting everyone else????

It’s interesting that you’re training to be an AHP. Another nurturing role. This is an emotionally demanding job (I know, I am one).

Be careful. Sounds like you’re at risk of burn-out.

I meant to add I don't think that fakebook helps either - people with their perfect lives, perfect children, perfect friends, homes etc making out everything js magnificent.

Isn't it interesting that the stereotype of the so-called 'natural nurturer' is always a woman? Where is the man who never needs anything, who runs around after everyone and smiles as others wipe their feet on his face?

Yes it’s definitely time to renegotiate responsibilities and balance in the relationship.

I don’t think it’s as simple as ‘poor OP, she’s had to just facilitate everyone else’s life for years’ or that her dh is being awful. Tbh many women having a child very young without having the chance to develop their own career would be stuck in a grim rented flat with few prospects. The OP acknowledges that her dh having always earned so much more has enabled her to have a good standard of living and no money worries- which is worth a lot imo. I don’t get the impression the OP wants a pity party, for everyone to tell her how badly she’s been treated.

I get the feeling she knows she has much to be thankful for, but has reached a point in her life where things need to change, and maybe it’s time for her dh to step back a bit from his career while she steps up hers. I agree with a PP that new situations bring pros and cons... it’s not black and white that the OPs dh is totally selfish and the OP is totally downtrodden. I just think they’ve had a set up which had been mutually beneficial for a long time but now things need to be recalibrated.

And definitely explore mindfulness, and maybe even consider counselling; not that I think the OP is in a really bad place, but as a way of reconnecting, and starting to feel joy in day to day life. A kind of ‘re-boot.’

I can remember being surprised when DB suggested he and DW would have my mother to live with them when she got older- huh, that got firmly chucked after he divorced. His life would have gone on as normal except for the nice warm feelings he got for 'caring' for his DM whilst his DW did the work.

What does your DH contribute to the household? Apart from money

It sounds like you’re still stuck with all household mil and child animal tasks while trying to develop your own interests/career. You’re still doing everything for everyone and you’re not getting enough support.

I think you are not selfish enough
I was brought up to believe that the true nature of love was in being unselfish and doing things for those you love
Being taught about self love might have helped me in earlier years
I fell into the trap of doing things for others to show care and then being walked on - I’m still seen as the ‘go to’ person
Gradually I have learnt to look after myself, say no sometimes and take time out just for me
How would your family react if you booked yourself on a weekend away for mindfulness or meditation? Their reaction might tell you a lot
I had a very stressful Xmas with elderly parents, depressed unemployed DP, and have an awful January looming
Getting through it because I am just about to book a short holiday in Feb, DD is taking me for a spa day, and I’m making the effort to reconnect with friends and regain some me time
Some days I get up and leave home an hour or hour and a half earlier just to have the luxury of drinking coffee and reading a book in peace
My local coffee shop opens at 7.30

OP, I can't offer much help but this stood out to me:

Now I do put myself first when I study but feel incredibly guilty about it

The reason it stood out because I was recently doing some research on adult learning and came across statistics that showed women are far more likely to feel like this than men. When questioned, men were more likely to describe their study time as something they had a right to and think that family life should fit around it. Women were more likely to feel guilty and try to fit study time around family life.

Thought I'd share because, at least in this, you are not alone.

I agree hubanmao - I think op just needs to believe she is allowed to go to uni etc - that’s it’s okay to be doing that and putting herself first sometimes. I get it, I feel very indulgent going back to uni (although am planning to work for years after qualification which will allow dh to step back a bit, so god knows why it feels like infulgence).

It’s very easy to end up feeling we are being unreasonable if we do something for ourselves. OP you are worth it!

I totally understand what you are saying, no great advice but others do have some. Just wanted to say you are not alone. I have days when I feel I'm just an earner and facilitator for my family.
I work extra hours during the week and finish early on a Friday. I book appointments most Fridays - nails, hair, beauty, dental whatever is needed. DH totally resents I have that time. I've stood my ground.
We all need space/time to be us. To grow and develop and learn and just be us. I love getting my nails done, it's just a no brain required relaxing thing.
How much longer do you have at uni?
What is the plan for your business when you change roles? Will you promote someone to manage more? If so can you do that now to facilitate your time better?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply with your wisdom. I will reread these later on.

I do really want to reiterate though, that I know how lucky I am materially, and have things so much better than a lot of people, and this is partly why I feel so guilty.

DH I think is feeling unsettled about our future now, compared to what he thought it would be like. I, like a pp, think he will be able to take a step back workwise when I qualify and I can contribute more financially, so there is a worthwhile ending for him too.

I make time to run, as it is my longstanding hobby, so do get time to myself. I just have to plan it in amongst the other things and stick to my schedule .

My MIL is very independent for her age, so support for her is more like doing her shopping, taking to medical appointments, ordering medication, and providing an ear and company. DH did have to step up for the first time with her recently when she was ill and I wasn't here as much, so he was ensuring she was eating etc. That was a step in the right direction.

Doing someone's shopping, taking them to medical appointments and ordering their medication all takes time. The fact that you dismiss it as nothing shows what a number has been done on you.

Yes you are lucky that you don't have to worry financially and that you have a lovely healthy family. It's great to acknowledge your blessings. But having those things is a separate thing from the things you want for yourself - even if you are very lucky you still deserve support from the people who love you and you should still have the time and space to pursue the things that mean something to you. You don't have to constantly serve others in order to 'deserve' what they give you - the support should be mutual, you don't owe them anything.

I agree with spaghettijumper. You have been doing a huge amount for mil. Not just the practical looking after, but also emotionally being there for her with the 'listening ear and providing company' as you point out in your recent update. All of that takes a huge toll on a person when you consider you're also doing the majority of life admin for everyone, housework, childcare etc.

It seems your dh has passed his mother's responsibility onto you completely. It may be time to reassess how much you BOTH do for the family. You are doing far too much imo.

You don't sound ungrateful. You sound burnt out and fedup of being taken for granted by your dh.

'How come some people are happy just to be the carers and supporters in a family? Why can't I be one of those?'

We wouldn't have got very far with the women's liberation movement if we'd all had that attitude!

This almost could've been written by me, except I haven't taken the steps you have to try and establish a career. I too am irritable most of the time, and feel like I've failed because I didn't have a career. I chose to be a SAHM due to the fact that DH had higher earning potential, so he has earned the crust whilst I've got increasingly frustrated at being the main support at home. Now our DC have left home I'm wishing I'd made the time a few years ago to retrain (I've always worked part time but it's not something that I could make a full time career out of) and now at pushing 50 I'm feeling like it's too late. Well done for actually doing something about it, I wish I had done the same! Don't waste your energy feeling guilty about it, it will benefit you all in the long run.

How come some people are happy just to be the carers and supporters in a family? Why can't I be one of those?

Because we are all different.
Some people find some meaning in supporting the family or being a carer. Others don’t find it fulfilling at all and it doesn’t bring any meaning to their life.
And it’s ok to be a woman AND to not feel fulfilled by that role (just as it wouod be ok to feel fulfilled by that role as a man btw).
Say8ng that we, as women, shouod all feel fulfilled and content doing all the caring is one expression of the patriarcal society where men and women have set roles.
The reality is much more varied and some (a lot?) of women don’t find it a rewarding task. In big part because society doesn’t see it as a job worth doing or needing any skills/particular qualities.

I, like a pp, think he will be able to take a step back workwise when I qualify and I can contribute more financially, so there is a worthwhile ending for him too.
Tbh I d8nt think he will. For two reason.
1- his job defines him. Stepping back is giving some power and prestige back to others. To some colleagues and to you (as itnwouod be clear younwill then be earning enough for him to step down, taking away some of his ‘I’m the biggest earner’ prestige)
2- him stepping back whilst you actually do more work means him stepping up at home, with his mum etc... Do you think that after a lifetime been waited on and everyone organising themselves aorund him, he will be happy with that?

50 isn’t too late to crack on with a second career

Well if the only practical contributions from your dh are sperm and money then it's no surprise you feel the way you do.
It sounds like you live in a gilded cage with no real sense of your own identity bar that of mother/wife/caretaker.

I'm sure if you're dh treated you like an actual partner instead of servant/skivvy, gave you the respect, recognition and support you deserve then you'd be feeling a lot different.

It seems he sees you as someone who is there to facilitate his wants and desires in life.