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Original poster

Should i meet up with this guy with undiagnosed problem?

37 replies

Tobythecat · 03/01/2019 20:40

I have been speaking to someone i met online for the past 6 months, he seems nice and we have a lot in common. He has been very honest from the start with me that he has some neurological difficulties and he has been back and forth to the docs and neurologists for scans and tests but the doctors dont seem to know what is wrong. He has fatigue, memory and processing issues and he is insistant they are not due to depression or autism (im autistic and i did explain it sounds very much like my difficulties).

His symptoms started very suddenly around 4 years ago whilst at uni. He has never had a paid job since graduating 3 years ago due to these issues but volunteers at a charity shop for 2 days a week. Hes been doing this for 8 months.

For the past 18 months, he has been job searching with no luck. He has only been applying for specific jobs as his neurological difficulties make it difficult to do many jobs. He also lives at home with his mum, but he said he helps out around the house etc. Hes 26.

I suppose what im asking is that does this guy sound genuine or just a bit workshy? I feel really awful saying that as he could genuinly have something like m.e or cfs. He doesnt have any hobbies and says he has no friends as he withdrew when he became ill.

He seems like a really nice guy and we have a lot of the same outlooks and values, hes very understanding of my autism etc.

Can anyone shed some light on this please?

OP posts:
whatsthepointthen · 03/01/2019 20:42

So many red flags!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 03/01/2019 20:44

What are your long term goals with regard to dating? If you want to date and have fun and talk and make a connection then there's no reason not to have a date with him. However, unemployed men probably don't make very good long term partners and I wouldn't deliberately chose one if I was looking for something more than just dating.

brighteyeowl17 · 03/01/2019 20:46

I think you have to ask yourself is this the sort of person you want to be with? He could be genuine, but could just make a lot of excuses...

Oysterbabe · 03/01/2019 20:46

Fuck that shit. It's sad for him that he has these issues but I wouldn't date someone unemployed who lives with their mum.

Original poster
Tobythecat · 03/01/2019 20:48

I feel like a hypocrite as im unable to work due to my autism.

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 03/01/2019 20:49

I would not get involved eith this guy at the moment, no harm chatting, but I wouldn't be interested in anything more, I couldn't get over being unemployed and living with his parents

sirmione16 · 03/01/2019 20:55

Go with your gut - the fact you've needed to ask and the fact you're having doubts is a bad sign.

Also - what do you want out of this relationship? Because he doesn't sound the type to be settling down and making a life with, so if that's what you want then this isn't going to work. If it's just a date and a "fling" then go for it. But long term, I think you know he isn't good news.

John4703 · 03/01/2019 20:55

Have you met him?
I'd suggest meeting somewhere public, a pub or restaurant or anywhere else that you are 100% safe and talking to him and seeing how you get on.
It might end there or it might lead to a second meeting, either way you will have a better idea of who he is and how you feel.

whatsthepointthen · 03/01/2019 20:56

But this is alot of things added together not just one thing.

trojanpony · 03/01/2019 21:11

Run so many red flags

funnylittlefloozie · 03/01/2019 21:23

How big a deal would it be to meet up with him? I mean, does he live halfway across the country, or an hour or so away? I would think, if he seems mostly nice, meet him and see if you get on.

Is there a reason why you havent met him before?

Original poster
Tobythecat · 03/01/2019 21:35

Forgot to mention- he has never had a girlfriend and is a virgin. Hes like a msle version of me really. I have to be tealistic, my autism has a big impact on my life and i dont know if i will ever be able to work. I feel like we are on a level playing field. I feel like i should give him a chance. It seems like he is at least trying?

He lives a 3 hour train journey away so we havent met in person

OP posts:
RedBedRedemption · 03/01/2019 21:37

I’d run a mile personally

brighteyeowl17 · 03/01/2019 21:39

Maybe I’m a pessimist but how many similarities with you did have he have after after you disclosed them? Sounds like a few red flags going on.

MissSmiley · 03/01/2019 21:40

You sound like you have lots in common, I would consider meeting to see if there's any chemistry

SynchroSwimmer · 03/01/2019 21:55

If nothing else, you have still gained a new friend and confidante...

VioletCharlotte · 03/01/2019 21:59

I don't think it would be a good idea to get into a relationship, but no reason why you can't be friends. Just make sure your very clear with him and set your boundaries.

Threadastaire · 03/01/2019 22:06

I think there's no harm in meeting him and seeing if he's genuine. If you want a provider then he's not the one, but it doesn't sound like you're looking for a man to get a house and babies and flash car with?

The only thing I would be careful of is if he expects from you financially, as I'm sure you know that some people tell sob stories to then start asking for money. If you suggest to meet and he wants you to do all the travelling and pay for the date, that would be a red flag! If he's honest about his budget and limitations then I'd be less worried. Living with his mum and volunteering sounds like he's living within his means and that he's trying to do something nice/productive which are good signs. Also he went to uni before these problems started, you have to be self motivated for that. Sadly it's not unusual for healthy 26yr olds to be living back with parents and volunteering/interning/working part time these days!

Thisisit777 · 03/01/2019 22:09

Worth meeting him.

He may be the greatest friend you’ve ever had.

Sounds honest anyway. Which I like.

Guard your heart though.

Fairylea · 03/01/2019 22:13

As someone with chronic health issues myself I can’t see what he would have to gain by telling you this unless he was genuine.

Given both your difficulties and how well you click I think it’s worth giving it a go and seeing what happens.

TigerQuoll · 04/01/2019 02:00

Meet him but stay only friends. You'd have a better life if you can find a partner who can work.

starzig · 04/01/2019 02:28

2 people together with mental issues and can't work doesn't sound like the best combination to be honest. I think you both need more support.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 04/01/2019 03:11

Your coming across like a bit of a hypocrite you can’t work because of your problems but that’s ok but when it’s him he has to be swinging the lead and he should be working. Maybe your best off staying single and letting him find someone less judgemental.

WrapAndRoll · 04/01/2019 03:16

Don't write him off yet. Meet up and see what he's like in person. It sounds like you have lots in common.

Myglassesareknackered · 04/01/2019 07:10

You are being very hypocritical. Also, I’m interested that you say you can’t work because of your autism. Why not? Does this mean you live at home too? (I have ASD and have always worked, even if it’s been part time or volunteeer work.)
Are you actively seeking employment? At least this guy is applying for jobs and doing volunteer work.
Tbh, I would say he’d have as many red flags about you.