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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP is exerting his control?

35 replies

jeroma · 03/01/2019 20:33

I own our home, only my name is on the lease. But DP has bought our TV, my car and my computer.
Every time we have an argument at the minute, he always throws a comment on about how if we break up, he will be taking TV, car, computer.
We have a child together and I think it's really nasty of him to happily buy me this stuff and then use it over me. I would never have the money to buy this stuff myself so would be left with nothing but stress about how to replace it.
I worry that if we broke up and I was to move on with someone else, he would be petty enough to actually take it all and leave me without.
Is this unreasonable of him? Or reasonable if he's bought it?

OP posts:

GalacticChickenShit · 03/01/2019 20:35

What would you do with the house when you split?

Original poster

jeroma · 03/01/2019 20:36

@GalacticChickenShit he doesn't pay towards the house as he is studying full time.

OP posts:

adaline · 03/01/2019 20:36

Well, are you going to give him half the house if you split up?

OhioOhioOhio · 03/01/2019 20:36

If you break up he will be entitled to half your house. The computer is the least of your worries.

Original poster

jeroma · 03/01/2019 20:37

We aren't married either.

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 03/01/2019 20:37

Save up, by 2nd TV and laptop...
Then just tell him fine...

Chickychoccyegg · 03/01/2019 20:39

He sounds horrible and immature, I'd dump him and would refuse to let him take the car, is the car invyour name? if it is he can't take it as th could report it stolen. would be less bothered about t.v and laptop, though obviously would be better if you could keep them, did he buy them as gifts for you, or just to jointly use in the house? either way he sounds like an arse!!

NoShelfElf · 03/01/2019 20:40

Are you likely to break up?
Is he unhappy with the current financial arrangement?
If a break up is likely, you should discuss it properly. If he thinks he can force you to stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of a tv and computer, that's not on.

Chickychoccyegg · 03/01/2019 20:41

what nonsense he wouldn't be intitled to half the house , it's in op's name only and her dp has never paid anything towards it and they're not married, the house has nothing to do with him

Original poster

jeroma · 03/01/2019 20:41

@Chickychoccyegg all just as gifts. He doesn't even drive but would take the car. He has a 2nd telly for himself but would still take the family one too. He knows I wouldn't be able to afford these things but keeps threatening it every argument!

OP posts:

adaline · 03/01/2019 20:41

If you break up he will be entitled to half your house.

No he won't - they're not married.

TheRealJoseph · 03/01/2019 20:42

Won't the car & computer be classed as gifts?.

GalacticChickenShit · 03/01/2019 20:44

You'd take the house which you bought.
It's be shitty of him but legally he'd be entitled to take what he bought.

Chickychoccyegg · 03/01/2019 20:44

well he has no right, and if hes someone that wants to do that then you're well rid, but he can't just take a car that's in your name , you could get a cheap tv 2nd hand if you had to, but sounds like he's horrible and petty and you'd be well rid, good luck !!!

Consolidateyourloins · 03/01/2019 20:44

Start charging him rent (£300pm minimum).

Save that money and soon you can by those things.

frazzledasarock · 03/01/2019 20:47

Who’s name is the car registered under? If you’re he can’t take it.

As for tv and laptop see if you can get anything second hand on Facebook or even freecycle and tell him to go then.

cowfacemonkey · 03/01/2019 20:47

Probably a good sign that you need to work towards being able to afford these things for yourself so that he has no stick to beat you with and you will be comfortable in the knowledge that you don't "need" him for these things. Staying with someone who treats you badly because you can't afford a car or TV is a shit way to live.

Isadora2007 · 03/01/2019 20:47

If you can afford a house I can’t see why you’re worrying about a tv or Car in the grand scheme of things. What does he contribute to money wise? Bills etc? If he left your villa would reduce- single person council tax discount, less gas/electricity, no TV no licence cost or satellite/cable charge etc. You’d soon be able to save a bit and get a car on a finance deal if you wanted.
Next time he starts his shit- just say to him to enjoy living in his car with his TV while you stay in your home. He sounds like a real catch (!)

calmsealife · 03/01/2019 20:49

Maybe you should work on your relationship and not worry about material things!

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 20:50

YANBU. The house has nothing to do with it. If he gave you those things as gifts they're now yours. If he bought them as household items rather than for you specifically then he'd have a right to take them away. HOWEVER he'd still be a cunt for bringing it up every time you have an argument, it's incredibly manipulative. If you have a child together you should be working towards a stable relationship you're both committed to maintaining. Not using household items as bargaining chips in a possible breakup. Is he 15?

OhioOhioOhio · 03/01/2019 20:53

It's not nonsense. I know first hand.

Needsmorebeans · 03/01/2019 20:57

I'm concerned that every time you argue he threatens to take those things back. Is he saying he's leaving, are you asking him to go? It seems odd that maybe he is using them as bargaining chips.. Maybe formalise the agreement so that he is paying rent etc.

Notacluethisxmas · 03/01/2019 20:57

You both very much to see what you pay for as yours, not shared.

I am confused about why you say 'if we were to split up and I move one with someone else'

You think he would move out if you split, then come back for the stuff if you later find a new partner?

Or is there someone else in the picture?

AnyFucker · 03/01/2019 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BettyBitchface · 03/01/2019 21:02

Sorry but YABU to think he is exerting control because he doesn't bloody have any control beyond that which you give to him. He is claiming ownership of more than he has ownership over.

Your house.
Your car because it was a gift.
Your TV because it was a gift and resides in your house.
Your computer because it was a gift and resides in your house.

It sounds like he is living rent and bill free too.
Sounds like he's staking a claim of everything he surveys because he paid for a few one off items.
Hallmarks of a complete cocklodger and with the threats, a potential to be financially abusive.

Does he sponge off you on a week by week basis with the promise of support his study now and it will bring money to share in the long distant future? When that time eventually comes (if ever), he will either fuck off or keep it all to himself.

He is trying to get you to bend to his will with threats to take stuff off you. That is not a good sign.

In your place, I'd be thinking long and hard about the relationship as a whole.

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