Health visitor aibu?

[Lollypop27]

Firstly I will add that my children are teenagers so I haven’t had any contact with a health visitor for years so things may have changed.

My friend is due with her rainbow baby in a few weeks. It’s been a difficult pregnancy. She takes everything the midwife and health visitor says as gospel which I can completely understand why.

Yesterday she had a introduction meeting with the HV. They talked about allsorts and friend asked if she needed to try and put the baby in to a routine as soon as it is born. I don’t quite know what the answer was to this but the HV said that from day1 as long as the baby is fed, changed and winded then it should be left to cry. It needed to learn to settle itself and if she keeps picking the baby up she will be makin a rod for her own back. Also that the baby would need feeding again in a few hours so to keep putting them in the Moses basket and walk away otherwise she will have a baby that will never want putting down. She also said that baby didn’t need to be in the same room as friend lives in a bungalow so she would hear the baby anyway.

When friend told me this I was a bit horrified. Surely this advice isn’t right? I thought babies had to stay in the same room as you until they were 6 months? Leaving a new born baby to cry? Have things changed this much in the last 15 years?

When I gently said to friend to do whatever feels right for her when the baby comes she bit my head off. The HV is qualified not me so she obviously knows what she’s talking about.

Get her to complain about the HV as they obviously need retraining. Signpost her to the lullaby trust website for safer sleep information and start 4 life for information on feeding whether breastfeeding or formula. Also baby buddy app is brilliant!

Not appropriate from day one at all although I do think you can do this a lot earlier than we were told. But the first six weeks are extremely fragile for a baby!

UNICEF baby friendly site for baby brain development stuff too saying not to leave baby to cry

I agree with you
My HV told me all sorts of rubbish when I had my first

My son is 11months. Definitely were advised same room until 6 months and none of the leaving to cry here! It’s heartbreaking to think of a tiny newborn baby being left to cry to “self settle” they cluster feed they need the security of their parents around. I fed on demand and co slept and my son was in his own room and sleeping through and self settling after 6-7 months, didn’t need to leave him to scream as a brand new baby for that x

I was told to never let my child cry by them, she was my first and as soon as she murmured I was a paranoid mess (was good this would raise the cortisol level in her brain which would cause her anxiety in later life ). As a consequence I cannot bear to hear her cry even now (4 years later) and I was so worried about it all it has put me off having another as i was so anxious about her crying...

Absolute nonsense. I can say that as an experienced health visitor. There is absolutely no evidence to suggest that leaving a baby to cry is the right thing to do, and a LOT of research around baby brain development that suggests the exact opposite. Cuddles, holding, feeding, talking, singing etc are where it's at. We don't leave babies, end of. I would hope that some of that 'advice' was out of context, although it's difficult to see how that could be misinterpreted. That health visitor is a perfect example of what gives health visitors a bad name, and she needs retraining sharpish.

This is why I only seen a HV once and refused all visits after.

I’m so glad it’s not jus me that was a bit wtf! Because of my friends previous losses there has been so much anxiety with this pregnancy and she has followed every bit of advice the midwife has given and followed all of the ‘rules’ of pregnancy so to speak. Like I said she is taking everything they say as gospel and will be following it to the letter, however that may make her feel. It makes me worry about her so much.

Also I don’t know if I’m looking back through rose tinted glasses but aren’t baby cuddles the best?

Ever considered that she might be blaming the HV for the way she wants to begin parenting? That way no one questions what she is doing. You can get some odd HV but that advice is not the current standard advice. I would say it could be your friend saying HV said such and such, so how she decides to parent appears to have the seal of official.

I blamed HV and School nurse in this way too, though I had very different parenting beliefs to your friend.

Sounds like something my very old fashioned grandmother would say!! I'm 37 weeks pregnant and in an antenatal class with midwives and HVs, all advised that the best thing was comfort for a baby, but not to let yourself get overwhelmed - they advised to try and soothe them with your voice, a gentle touch and then to cradle or hold if they don't respond to these - not to leave them! Biologically the first 6 weeks the baby can't tell the difference from being away from Mum apparently... I'm no scientist and I don't know where that fact comes from, but if true then leaving them to get stressed is going to be damaging!

the seal of official approval*

That's the opposite of the official advice. If your friend doesn't believe you get her to look up some reliable sources online that discuss brain development.

Poor wee babies I hope no other mums listen to that shit advice.

I agree with the health visitor (apart from the separate rooms) but I would keep my private opinions to myself as a professional.

@lollypop27 absolutely the best. I’d give my right arm for a tiny sleepy little baby again to snuggle 24/7.

Very inappropriate advice indeed. There's a great book called Why Love Matters which explains, using science, why these shitty practices are a bad idea.

snoz please explain why you think leaving babies to cry is optimum practice for brain development and creation of secure attachments.

They advice to keep the baby near you/ in the same bedroom as mum or dads breathing helps baby to regulate their own breathing. This is very strange advice from a health visitor.
I was also told never to let a newborn cry it out as they can become over stressed and over heated.

okay I’m confused, whats a Rainbow baby ?

Agree with above poster. Can’t believe any HV would say this.

Disgusting advice. I have a three month old and find the thought of newborns being left to cry genuinely distressing. Babies need lots of cuddles and attention, yes feed, change, wind, then cuddle and play.

I don't think HVs get any regular training on the latest advice which I find very strange.
I remember in hospital after giving birth getting told all the up to date advice and then all the people we had contact with afterwards had completely contradictory advice.

In Scotland you get given a huge big bible of pregnancy and small babies with all the latest advice in it called Ready Steady Baby which I think you can get in app form. Is there something similar where you live?

When I was 4 days pp with my 1st I had this locum health visitor in. She made me lie my baby in the cot on her front. When baby started crying she said if you pick her up now she'll always be the one in control. I couldn't leave her and picked her up as soon as I felt able (section). When the hv left I was hysterical as no sleep etc and just felt I was getting it all wrong.
This was 5 years ago. I refused any further hv visits and avoid them as best I can ( would take children to clinic for checks sometimes but that's it)

Baby crying is their way of communicating. Ignore it and you are telling your LO that you do not care and cannot be trusted to take care of their needs.

I learned to take certain things HV’s said with a pinch of salt, I saw some good ones and some downright rude ones when my DS was little. Tell your friend not to listen, the HV gave very bad advice - newborns cry for a reason, you don’t leave a tiny baby to cry, and yes babies should be in the same room as parents for at least 6 months, this is current advice!