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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Health visitor aibu?

65 replies

Lollypop27 · 03/01/2019 19:56

Firstly I will add that my children are teenagers so I haven’t had any contact with a health visitor for years so things may have changed.

My friend is due with her rainbow baby in a few weeks. It’s been a difficult pregnancy. She takes everything the midwife and health visitor says as gospel which I can completely understand why.

Yesterday she had a introduction meeting with the HV. They talked about allsorts and friend asked if she needed to try and put the baby in to a routine as soon as it is born. I don’t quite know what the answer was to this but the HV said that from day1 as long as the baby is fed, changed and winded then it should be left to cry. It needed to learn to settle itself and if she keeps picking the baby up she will be makin a rod for her own back. Also that the baby would need feeding again in a few hours so to keep putting them in the Moses basket and walk away otherwise she will have a baby that will never want putting down. She also said that baby didn’t need to be in the same room as friend lives in a bungalow so she would hear the baby anyway.

When friend told me this I was a bit horrified. Surely this advice isn’t right? I thought babies had to stay in the same room as you until they were 6 months? Leaving a new born baby to cry? Have things changed this much in the last 15 years?

When I gently said to friend to do whatever feels right for her when the baby comes she bit my head off. The HV is qualified not me so she obviously knows what she’s talking about.

OP posts:
Thisisit777 · 03/01/2019 20:43

If this was the advice given it’s not good enough.

However, I’ve noticed that Health visitors often seem to get a ‘jump on the band wagon’ bashing on here - I find it concerning as so many HV’s are good. I don’t see other types of nurses or teachers etc beIng talked about in this way. I don’t think it’s very nice when threads bash H V on the whole.

Thisisit777 · 03/01/2019 20:44

Can you tell I’m pre menstrual Grin

bunintheoven88 · 03/01/2019 20:51

I literally saw my HV two weeks ago and she made a point of saying to
NOT leave the baby to cry, as it can seriously stunt their emotional well-being and even went on to tell me about studies done on babies in 3rd world countries that are left alone to cry in orphanages, and how badly it effects them. She is chatting absolute shite and needs retraining. If I can find a link I will post.

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 20:53

Bloody hell that is all awful advice. You cannot hold a newborn baby too much, it should be fed on demand and should be in the same room for 6 months. Leaving a baby to cry is terrible for brain development.

bunintheoven88 · 03/01/2019 20:56

Can't find a link, but that is up to date information given to me by the HV. Also sorry it's posted sideways, not sure how to change Confused

Health visitor aibu?
Health visitor aibu?
GaryBaldbiscuit · 03/01/2019 20:56

the hv and student nurse were on about routine, bath and bed, when my ds was under 10 days old! confused, i was.
your friend will also be confused.
buy her a good baby book and leave her to it

MutantDisco · 03/01/2019 20:58

I teach (teenage) children who weren't responded to as babies. Attachment disorder is real and causes lifelong impairment.

Jupiter15 · 03/01/2019 21:00

If the HV said that that is absolutely shocking and a complaint should be put in about her. It makes me feel sick thinking about it. So damaging for the baby. Babies need to be held, they need to be close to their mothers. And how are people supposed to breastfeed successfully if given advice like this?

Ozziewozzie · 03/01/2019 21:04

Oh god, I’d complain! That poor baby, when it’s born) I have a 9 mth old and I just do whatever my baby needs. She rarely cries, (unless she face plants the floor). I thought it was all supposed to be baby led nowadays. I’ve always done it this way with all 5 children and it’s worked really well. It’s so much calmer.

whatsnewchoochoo · 03/01/2019 21:04

@BumbleBeee69 - a rainbow baby is a baby that is born after the mother had a miscarriage or stillbirth

OP I'm really shocked at how poor some health visitors are. It's awful

Liverbird77 · 03/01/2019 21:06

Who would leave a baby to cry?? Speaking as the mum of a 4 day old, it seems barbaric. If he is crying because he wants to be comforted by mum or dad, so be it.

Cheby · 03/01/2019 21:12

Send your friend some reputable links, especially around SIDs guidance. Lots of good sources mentioned upthread. If she wants to trust official advice that’s a good thing, she just needs to realise that this particular HV is not giving good advice.

My money is on her own instincts overriding this bullshit anyway, once her lovely baby arrives. The urge to cuddle them and attend to their cries is a strong one!

Soconfusedbylife · 03/01/2019 21:55

Bunintheoven that’s from a unicef publication about relationship building

Snoz · 03/01/2019 21:57

Because my baby was reassured during the day that she was loved. She was my limpet. However, when night-time came, she didn't cry incessantly, because she was 'left to cry' from 6 weeks old. She was warm, fed, in her basket, she had no reason to be getting up in the middle of the night. She'd grumble for 3 minutes maybe, and then off to sleep. When she woke in the morning and for all of the day, she was given undivided attention. She just quickly associated bedtime with sleep. It was really very simple. And it was a paediatrician who advised me to do this as I was crumbling from lack of sleep, breast-feeding, single mother and zero sleep. It was the best advice I have ever received. I don't hand it out normally, as it's like the secret, that you're not actually allowed to share.

Catmum26 · 03/01/2019 21:59

i had my 6 week HV appointment today and mentioned how my baby never lets me put him down and if i do he will cry until he is picked up and she said that at such a young age you can’t make bad habits. he is crying because he wants to be held and loved and i should carry on as he will grow out of it. i also asked about getting into a bedtime routine or a routine during the day and she also said it’s much too early to stick to any set routines, that you can start good habits but not to religiously stick to something as it will constantly be changing. your friends HV sounds like a moron unless your friend has misunderstood or is just saying that the HV said all these things because that’s how she plans to raise her baby and wants to try and justify it by saying the HV told her to

Dieu · 03/01/2019 21:59

YANBU.
Some people are in the wrong job. And with absolutely no disrespect meant, I'd bet my bottom dollar that this HV is of the 'old school' variety.

I'm glad your friend has you OP, to offer some perspective and gentle advice Flowers

smarty14 · 03/01/2019 22:04

A baby doesn't cry because "its attention seeking" a baby cries for a reason! Could be hunger cold etc or the fact it just needs comfort.

I do agree a baby needs to self settle when going to sleep though; if you rock a baby to sleep that will be the only way a baby will know how to sleep but don't leave a baby to cry to fall asleep alone!

Coming from a nanny with 15 years exp and sleep trainer and mat nurse!

bunintheoven88 · 03/01/2019 22:10

@Soconfusedbylife and?

Mummysharkdodododo · 03/01/2019 22:14

Wow leave a newborn to cry? Top advise from the "expert". Soo how does this health visitor propose a newborn communicates hunger, cold or that they are wet? Do newborns cry for fun or attention? I've been doing it all wrong, clearly.

I think your friend needs to complain, some poor first time mums, like your friend will eat up everything this health visitor says.

I smiled and nodded through every single visit from mine just to get them out my house as fast as possible!

NewPinkSocks · 03/01/2019 22:14

Can you buy her a new baby book to read which will have the correct info then she can decide herself.

Christmasisforadults2 · 03/01/2019 22:15

The new advice from the nhs and thre are posters all over the hospital and baby centres is that you can't spoil a newborn. Cuddle and feed as much as they need and you want.

Soconfusedbylife · 03/01/2019 22:15

Just stating where it’s from so that the OP can find it to show her friend. It is up to date info.

Imalittleelf · 03/01/2019 22:18

Tell her to look up the 4th trimester

I picked mine up when she cried, cuddles ect would only leave to cry for a few moments if I was on the toilet/getting a drink. She is now 16 months and is so independent it's unreal, only has cuddles or holds hands if she wants to or is poorly.

I wonder if she has misinterpreted and the hv meant leave to cry if she needs to do something first like get changing things ready or get food....

Aquilla · 03/01/2019 22:19

She sounds jolly sensible to me...

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