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Original poster

Do I tell my partner I cheated?

46 replies

melliana · 03/01/2019 19:46

DP and I have been up and down in our relationship but haven't felt like it's been working for months. I asked him to move out temporarily a few weeks ago and he's staying at his parents. I haven't known if I wanted to be together anymore and have felt so lost. I had one too many on Saturday and kissed a man I have history with. I've felt guilty all week, there's a chance DP could find out anyway which would be worse. The man in question is someone DP requested me to not have contact with after my history with him, possibly the worst person for this to have happened with. I'm completely ready to be slated as I know it was completely my fault and I was pathetic to not have ended anything before this happened. I fear his reaction if he finds out. I'm still not even sure if I want to be apart but obviously he deserves to know - and he will want to be apart at that point. If he finds out, I know he's going to take TV from the family home and my phone that he bought me too.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 03/01/2019 19:49

You're bothered about a TV and a phone???

If this was the other way round, people would tell the man that he must be honest. No reason why you should be any different.

Puddingmama2017 · 03/01/2019 19:50

I’d consider the relationship over already if he has moved out, therefore you haven’t cheated.

EnglishRose13 · 03/01/2019 19:51

What @Puddingmama2017 said.

ambereeree · 03/01/2019 19:51

OP how old are you? Why not just break up with him and start the year single?

Original poster
melliana · 03/01/2019 19:51

@ambereeree we have a child together so it wasn't that easy to me.

OP posts:
Lana1234 · 03/01/2019 19:51

I think the longer you leave it the worse it will be when he finds out and the guilts going to eat away at you if you don’t tell him

deadliftgirl · 03/01/2019 19:52

In any relationship, honesty is always the best policy. It sounds to me like you and your DP have a lot of problems which prompted you to make this mistake. The good thing is that it was just a kiss and did not go any further.

The only way you and your DP can work things out in an open and honest way is by being completely truthful. I know its hard but I would tell him. Like 4 years ago, I cheated on my boyfriend, I felt disgusted in myself and I told him. It was not easy and it took many years to get ourselves on track but today we are happily married and that experience taught me that I will never do that again.

TotesEmoshTerri · 03/01/2019 19:54

If you were drunk you can't be held responsible for this. That other man took advantage of you in a non sober state but very luckily it was only a kiss. Telling DH is only going to be an attempt to make yourself feel better and it wasn't your fault anything. Keep quiet.

ambereeree · 03/01/2019 19:54

Ahh ok. I think you should wait to see what happens regarding him movibg back in. He may see the relationship as over already.

Original poster
melliana · 03/01/2019 19:54

@ambereeree he definitely doesn't see the relationship as over - just as me getting some space before we sort through our problems!

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 03/01/2019 19:57

He’s not your partner if you are kissing another man. You’re using him. Partnership is about respect, loyalty and a shared life not some seedy grope. If you’re not honest there is little foundation on which to improve your relationship.

Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 19:59

This relationship is dead
Totally and utterly dead

TinkerSpy · 03/01/2019 20:03

@TotesEmoshTerri

If you were drunk you can't be held responsible for this.

There are SO many things wrong with your post I really don't know where to start.

OP, your relationship is over.

The minute you're more worried about a TV and phone than your partner's feelings is the minute you should have realised it's over.

elvis86 · 03/01/2019 20:04

I think you need to have a conversation with your OH and clarify where your relationship is currently at - whether or not that includes telling him about the kiss (if you think he's likely to find out, it seems pointless not to, and would compromise any reconciliation anyway).

"I’d consider the relationship over already if he has moved out, therefore you haven’t cheated."

It sounds like the OP has been decidedly vague about the status of the relationship - they haven't split up at all!

"I haven't known if I wanted to be together anymore and have felt so lost."
"I was pathetic to not have ended anything before this happened."

If OP was here saying her partner had kissed someone else, I doubt anyone would be saying "Well - you asked him to temporarily move out, so you're not together".

"If you were drunk you can't be held responsible for this. That other man took advantage of you in a non sober state but very luckily it was only a kiss."

Great - the old "I'd had a drink so it was the predatory man's fault" get out of jail free card? What a load of BS. There's nothing to suggest that she was drunker than him and that he took advantage.

Ivygarden · 03/01/2019 20:07

I wouldn’t say anything. What is it going to achieve apart from easing your own conscience and causing a lot of hurt?

whatsthepointthen · 03/01/2019 20:09

If you were drunk you can't be held responsible for this.

bet you wouldnt say the same to a man!

goatsgalore · 03/01/2019 20:11

@ TotesEmoshTerri
You can't be serious...

Strongmummy · 03/01/2019 20:14

If you think there’s a chance of this working then I’d be honest with him. If not, keep schtum as it’s actually not his problem anymore.

AnyFucker · 03/01/2019 20:20

Just end it with him and stop playacting with your "I need some space" bollocks

You wanted to hook up with other men is what you meant which is how this "need space" refrain pretty much always plays out

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2019 20:28

Oh by all means, don't tell him!!! After all you may lose your TV and your phone if you do!! A good reason to conceal cheating if ever there was one! 🙄

Of course you should tell him!!! He deserves to make any decision regarding his relationship (because it's his as much as yours) with as complete and as full a knowledge as you have.

Sirzy · 03/01/2019 20:33

I think the fact your biggest concern is for the TV and phone says it all really!

LagunaBubbles · 03/01/2019 20:37

you were drunk you can't be held responsible for this. That other man took advantage of you in a non sober state

What a load of crap. I've seen some pretty awful posts on here but this takes the biscuit. And it doesnt do women any favours either, portraying them as hapless permanent victims of those awful evil men. Instead of a real people with a mind of their own.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 03/01/2019 20:40

How big is the TV? An iphone x by any chance?

Nottoberudebut · 03/01/2019 20:43

Honestly I think your feelings and actions show the relationship is over. He has moved out, you kissed someone, you have been unhappy for months. I’m a big believer in accepting that if you cheat then the relationship is over. Whether you want it to be or not. I know some may say they manage to work through it but most people don’t.

No judgement here but I do think you should call it quits.

Original poster
melliana · 03/01/2019 20:43

@Walkingdeadfangirl small TV and iPhone 5.

OP posts:
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