AIBU to be disillusioned about weddings?

[supersop60]

The more I read on here (and, granted, no-one is going to be on AIBU about their perfect wedding), and the more I encounter IRL, I think that weddings are an enormous source of stress and unhappiness.
For eg My DN had a lovely destination wedding in September -( it cost a lot for me to go and my family stayed at home). Two days ago she announced she'd met someone else and was leaving her husband. It now appears that the wedding was a band-aid.
So many wedding that I've attended, have ended after a relatively short time. What on earth was all that fuss and expense about? All the family and friends wishing them well, supporting them in their relationship.
On MN - worries about money, invitees, cf bridesmaids etc.
AIBU to think - just don't do it? Go to a register office and make your commitment legal in private.

Every time I speak to a friend or family member that has been to a wedding, they bitch about it.

Venue was 'too far' or 'far too cold' food was 'overdone' or 'no vegan options' and they have so many opinions about the dress, the service, the speeches, the fact kids were or wern't allowed...

There's no way I was prepared to get stressed and pay thousands only for ONE day and know realistically you can't please everyone. And why should you?! I think big weddings are a waste if money and only an excuse to show off.

I eloped, got married just DH & I and it was absolutely incredible. Best decision ever!!

I'm so glad that my DN paid for her own wedding and my dsis was spared that wasted expense.
outwards that sounds great.

If you don’t want one, don’t have one, simple.

DH and I got married years ago and are still happily married today. We had the big white wedding extravaganza and it’s still one of the best days of our lives. If I could relive the day over again I absolutely would; it was perfect.

It's ridiculous, all this out-doing is a terrible symptom of our misguided consumer society.

And entering into marriage is supposed to be about commitment, love, union - not centrepieces.

I don't get why so many people are fooled into spending such huge amounts of money.

Just read: In 2016, the average wedding spend was £25,090

I regret absolutely nothing about my giant wedding. Loved planning it, absolutely adored the day, have only happy memories.

I’m going to be married to my truly wonderful DH for the rest of my life, so if you think about the thousands of days we’ll spend together as husband and wife the ‘per wear’ cost of the wedding seems pretty reasonable

I think many people get married with the big expensive wedding as something to look forward to and plan when the relationship is getting abit dull , unfortunately these people don't realise that real life and real relationships are dull !

YANBU, there are few things more boring than listening to someone drone on about planning their wedding!

YANBU. I hate weddings. Every wedding I have been to was tedious and expensive for the guests. It's a very long day at a wedding.

I think it's just horses for courses. A big expensive wedding is my idea of hell for myself, but I've attended other people's and enjoyed them as a guest, even though they aren't right for me.

We are planning to get married this year, and it'll be a marquee in my parents' garden with about 20-30 guests maximum (and very informal) but that's just what suits us as a couple.

I do confess to rolling my eyes at some of the wedding threads on here where people get very upset about really very minor things such as bridesmaids changing their hair colour or what the bridesmaids are going to wear, but I suppose I can't understand it as I don't understand the whole big wedding thing, so I try to not judge too harshly!

I do think if it comes to the point where you are stressing about people's appearance rather than them being a part of something special to you, you might need to pull back a little. As long as the people I love are present, I couldn't care less if they wear white, have pink hair, tattoos on show, etc. Sometimes weddings seem to cause a lot of needless stress about rather unimportant (from my perspective, anyway) details.

I had a big wedding, 150 ish guests. 10 years ago cost less than the average wedding at the time including the cost of the honeymoon.

Still look back at it as one of the happiest days of my life and don't regret it at all. Looking forward to recreating the reception for our 25th anniversary.

I'm sure some people didn't like it, but then some people are incredibly miserable about weddings on here/in real life. I love a good wedding!

YANBU weddings have become so over-blown and tacky.

We had a reasonable sized wedding, about 60 day guests and around 40 more for the evening but the budget wasn't massive. We tried to be considerate and booked it on a bank holiday Sunday so nobody had to take time off work or anything. It was a bit in the middle of nowhere and there wasn't accommodation at the venue but there was a premier inn ten minutes away where everyone stayed (including us) and taxi details were provided etc. No fallings out, no drama, no over the top bridezilla demands, money behind the bar etc and it was just a lovely day. Everyone commented on what a happy and relaxed feel the day had. We're a few years down the line and as happy as ever with our second child on the way.
I guess what I'm saying is that you can have a big wedding and celebrate with all your family and friends without it all being about putting on a big fancy show and covering up failings in the relationship

Been with my partner since I was 14 been together 10 years. We both don't want to get married as we don't see the point init. We don't need to have a big do to say we love each other. I got my surname changed to his last year through deed poll. That's all it is really. I thinks it's pointless.

Glad to hear about the happy ones!
I have enjoyed the weddings I've been to, don't get me wrong, but I can think of three immediately that turned out to be a sham and a total waste of people's time, energy and money.

@jayne310

You say you don’t see the point of getting married but then you changed your surname to your partners surname by deed poll???

Yeah. My point was what's the point in spending so much money in wedding when you can just change your name. I don't use his name thou so don't know why I did it haha.

I’m getting married in summer and can say from experience...it just sort of happens 😒

We were adamant we would elope abroad - just us and parents/siblings (even vent out to view a gorgeous villa)

A parent is diagnosed with a health condition meaning couldn’t possibly travel! So now it has to be in the UK!

Elope in UK? Grandparents so excited before being told this we feel terrible! Parents feel uncomfortable excluding them!

Elope to Scotland as an excuse for not inviting people? - I think not- DP’s family are Scottish and ask to come to ceremony - they don’t need feeding or party...etc!

Parents are upset that DP will have family there- very unwell parent woefully exclaims ‘it would have been so lovely to see everyone on such a happy occasion’!

So now we’re doing it ‘properly’ but we can still keep it quite small and cheap right?

Village hall, on a Tuesday, serving guests ‘premium’ dog food costs £50 a head in our area - awesome 😒

Parents present lists of ‘must be invited or will cause political uproar’ we have 100 guests 😡😭 - parents present health cash contributions 😎- DP and I have crisis talk- decide, what’s a little 80 guests between family right? 😬 💰

Mum has mentioned to five young counsins ‘under 10’ that they ‘may’ get to be flower girls!

Well if we are doing it ‘properly’ and we have enough money, we might as well have what we like! 🤔

DP likes a castle

.... ‘tell me (wedding planners name) can the chap who releases the doves be wearing Edwardian regency dress? We don’t mind paying extra?’😉

• ok so I’m exaggerating with the last one but seriously! It’s a landslide of family politics and obligation! I don’t often blame brides and grooms as there are so many external influences and the wedding industry is an absolute beast!

I’ve never felt more restricted than planning my wedding but unfortunately I care a HUGE amount about my family and couldn’t be happy hurting feelings or telling them to sod off!

@supersop60 I think you're more likely to feel that way if the wedding requires a lot of your time, energy, and money.

Bigger, splashier weddings require more from their guests... stag/hen weekends instead of nights, destination weddings that use up annual leave, big weddings with hundreds of people that require a lot of energy to cope with remembering names etc, and money to fund all of this, get a present from a crazy gift list.

I think the push towards big, extravagant weddings, with the emphasis that the bride is dictator for a day, have made them ridiculous.

However, if you're that bothered, don't go?

You see Mr Darcy - it's all about keeping the family happy. What about the actual couple?

I loathe weddings. Don't know why people can't just go to church/registry/hotel on their own and get married.

@Super

DP and I are not ‘disapointed’ by our wonderful big wedding!
Tbh it’s exactly what we wanted but we’re too wary of the politics/stress/cost to undertake!

Having spoken to MANY other brides I think that the number 1 reason couples elope is cash! Weddings are SOOO expensive and yes there are ways to cut that down but THATS when you start having 90% of the drama/ issues!

• Arguing over who is invited- usually about cost
• Arguing over venue- usually about cost

-Arguing over catering/ entertainment options - usually about cost!

There are some couples who genuinely have a ‘vision’ for their wedding or randomly don’t want certain people but an overwhelming amount just can’t afford it!

We have friends running off to rural Spain, in term time, midweek, who openly admit it was the only way they could invite everyone and know for sure that only the 20% they could afford would come!

@MrDarcy

Having spoken to MANY other brides I think that the number 1 reason couples elope is cash

Not true - I just opted not to spend ridiculous money on what society tells us makes a 'good' wedding day.

I think people suckered into having a big white wedding are brainwashed.

MrDarcyWillBeMeMine Exactly this.

We looked locally. Registry office is tiny and is a back office of a new build.. Ok,not church goers so we booked it. So far so depressing.
Within 5 miles we have a choice of well worn pubs in town , a naff wedding venue pub that looks onto the main road or a pretty barn that costs £5,200 in October without anything inside.
My parents and his parents are all getting on live as far apart as you could imagine from each other and us,
We cut our guests list to close family and friends and went abroad.

I know people would think we were showing off but the venue meant something, flights were cheaper than a return to London and the food bloody amazing. And it was warm.
Hopefully we’ll last but if we don’t we had a wonderful wedding that didn’t feel like a massive rip off.

jayne310

Suggest you look up the legalities and protection of marriage
particulary is with if you need life saving decisions made

You are so right.

I had my wedding in July. We spent over £24,000 Gorgeous private venue, deluxe £120 meal and drinks package for 130 guests (some didn't even show up!), band, DJ, play equipment for the kids, lighting and decor, all the faff....
I NEVER should have spent so much. I realise that now, too late obviously.
I do regret it. Of the 130 people I invited honestly only 10% of them seemed grateful to be there & for the effort put in. There were quite a few people I wished I hadn't invited. I could have saved a LOT of money having a small, close friends and close family only wedding. With a restaurant for the after bit.
I love my new hubby but feel silly re: wedding spends.