AIBU to be disillusioned about weddings?

[supersop60]

The more I read on here (and, granted, no-one is going to be on AIBU about their perfect wedding), and the more I encounter IRL, I think that weddings are an enormous source of stress and unhappiness.
For eg My DN had a lovely destination wedding in September -( it cost a lot for me to go and my family stayed at home). Two days ago she announced she'd met someone else and was leaving her husband. It now appears that the wedding was a band-aid.
So many wedding that I've attended, have ended after a relatively short time. What on earth was all that fuss and expense about? All the family and friends wishing them well, supporting them in their relationship.
On MN - worries about money, invitees, cf bridesmaids etc.
AIBU to think - just don't do it? Go to a register office and make your commitment legal in private.

My point was what's the point in spending so much money in wedding when you can just change your name.

Sorry, what?

Are you joking or do you genuinely not know what it means to be married from a legal standpoint?

I do think sometimes people are more into the appearance of their wedding than the substance behind it. For some people It's more important to have a flashy venue, formal meal and nice wedding photos than be able to invite close family and friends. Perhaps it's social media. I don't think you need to bend over backwards for every distant relative but when people say 'I've paid xxx amount so I can do what I want' in reference to excluding a perfectly nice family member or friend. I do wonder what on earth the point of the wedding is.

Obviously I'm not talking about people with pushy relatives who want to invite people you haven't seen in 20 years or want to dictate your menu choices.

@outwards

I said number 1 reason- not ‘only reason’ and this isn’t my first rodeo on a wedding thread so I’m quietly confident that cash is in fact the number 1 reason- even if it’s not yours

@GreenTulips
What?

I love weddings. Mine cost a bit ahem more than the average cost, and it was abroad, but 4 kids later we are still going strong. We could afford it, we had a wonderful day, I totally splashed on my dress, and we had a really happy time. I wish I could do it again!

Weddings are a great opportunity to see family or even friends, to catch up and enjoy a party, whilst toasting a couple in love. It's a shame if some are just spending money to keep up with the Joneses, but it's their issues, many couples just want to celebrate.

jayne310 Without being married, you have absolutely no rights and no protection whatsoever. You are being very silly.

Even if you don’t want the big day, you should go down to the registry office with a couple of witnesses to ensure you’re protected.

Why's everyone hating the fact that I don't wanna get married ?
If we ever split up I would take what's mine and he would take what's his. We're not that kind of people that would argue about who gets the toaster 😂💁🏻‍♀️

YABU!

I love going to weddings, and nearly all the weddings I've been to have lasted. Whereas the couples who've had children without getting married have (in my own personal experience) had a much higher break up rate.

I wanted to elope. DH really wanted the big public celebration of our love thing. It mattered more to him (and he put up the savings to pay for it), so that's what we did.

Different people like different things that doesn't make the 'brainwashed'. I don't think size of wedding has anything to do with how long they last. Lots of marriages don't last!

There’s such a lot of negativity about weddings on the boards lately!

I can honestly say I enjoy a good wedding and the chance to share the happiness of people I care about. I’m not sure what there is to ‘loathe’ about getting your dinner and some drinks bought for you and seeing people you love happy but if you genuinely loathe them then by all means don’t go.

Not just on this thread but over several threads recently I’ve seen the old misogynistic phrases about ‘bridezillas’, ‘entitled princesses’ and ‘dictators’ thrown about. It’s just nasty. I’ve been to more weddings than I can count and one or two have been a little OTT in places, one was a bit demanding of guests without much/any gratitude back, but the vast majority have been Weddings of basically nice people having a nice day and happy that people have made the effort to share it with them. I know there’s the odd (possibly trolling) ridiculous thread and a few horror stories around, but really if every wedding you’re experiencing is loathsome, demanding and the couple concerned brainwashed and selfish then maybe start to question the circles you move in.

We get married at the end of this year. So far our friends and family seem pleased and excited for us and are looking forward to a party. I make a point of not talking about plans unless asked and I’m determined to keep the whole thing in perspective. We could have done it on our own (I was tempted) but why shouldn’t we hold a celebration of something that’s important to us and a happy thing - god knows the family has been through enough sad times why shouldn’t we have some nice dresses and a piss up? The marriage is just about us but we’re having ‘a wedding’ because we WANT to share it with those we love and because we know they’d be hurt to be left out of it - everyone seems pretty on board with that (when we put out feelers for tentative dates worried they wouldn’t suit our guests the responses were of the ‘we’ll be there come hell or high water’ and ‘nothing could keep us away’ variety) so either we’re just lucky or people are lying and secretly hate the very idea of attending.

Jayne

What about inheritance tax? If you own jointly his share of death duty would need to be paid from his share of the estate - meaning you may have to sell to pay the debt - if your married you won’t have to pay out

Nobody is suggesting you get married - but you should be informed

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Ooh I love a wedding. The only thing I don't like is if it seems like the bride and groom think they've bought you body and soul for the day by getting married, so things like dress codes and allowing you to hang about for ages in the cold with no food in the middle of nowhere. I don't even mind nipping to a cafe for a while if people want a gap in the day if there is one nearby. I would go to an oversea wedding if it felt like an opportunity to go to that place anyway plus a party while I was there, and I don't mind no kids weddings but I don't like it when people tell me to 'use it as an opportunity to let my hair down'. Basically have the wedding you want but don't think that gives you the right to boss me around or leave me stranded hungry and in high heels!

Look at that poor man who died and his mother was next of kin because he wasn’t married and they dragged the whole funeral arrangements through court for TWO years!

TWO he lay in a cold fridge waiting for them to stop arguing - mother won - point in law

Why's everyone hating the fact that I don't wanna get married ?

jayne310 Nobody is “hating” on it; we’re pointing out you have no rights or protection. It’s not just about splitting up, either. If your partner dies, without being married you are not automatically entitled to inherit anything.

If you’ve been together for 60 years and he falls ill, you will not necessarily be able to make decisions regarding his health. Next of kin has no legal meaning.

If we ever split up I would take what's mine and he would take what's his. We're not that kind of people that would argue about who gets the toaster

Every couple thinks that until it happens.

You sound very naive and silly and I think this is a case of he’s talked you away from marriage by convincing you you don’t need it, when for your own protection, you do.

No I don't. No he's hasn't convinced me I don't need it. You don't know me you don't know him. So don't starting typing shit about us. Thank you very much. I have my own mind and he has his. I've never wanted to get married. My nana has married 9 times. My mum has married 3 times. It's all crap. Goodbye.

We bought an £800 package from a wedding organiser abroad. It included a beach side wedding, photographer, videoographer,orchid bouquet, limo, musician. We just had to pay for our hotel and flights. Best decision ever, saved thousands, which went towards a deposit instead.

I guess it depends where you stand, I'd be cynical too in your position, OP.

Most of our friends and DH's 9 married cousins (I don't have any cousins my age) have been married 10+ years and there's been only 2 divorces in that group, so I guess I'm less cynical.

As for the stress of weddings - our wedding was logistically difficult to plan (as DH really fancied a countryside do rather than something local), and MIL could be a bit of a nightmare, but I didn't get caught up in any ideas that my day had to be 'perfect' or that it was more about me than anyone else. So the day itself was great and it was important to us to commit in front of a wide group of friends and family, in a way that's traditional in the culture we grew up in.

I didn't have the wedding I wanted, we ended up with what everyone else wanted. Local, guests we didn't know, kids and more people than we wanted. Wish we eloped! Have what you want, I love weddings and receiving invites. Only on mm do people seem to not enjoy it!

jayne310. —flounce—

If I had my time again I'd elope, I'd spend all the money on an awesome honeymoon. We married young, blindly did what was expected (generously supported by family) but looking back the priorities were wrong. I have very little patience for weddings and find them very dull.

I had a big wedding and regretted it. I didn’t enjoy the day at all and found it all very stressful. At the time there hadn’t been a wedding in either family for over 20 years, so we were pressured by both sets of parents into having a big, fancy wedding as a big family celebration. My parents paid for about 1/4 of the wedding and also thought that this meant they could dictate even the most minute detail. We basically just went along with it to keep everyone else happy. Nothing would have made me happier than having a small wedding and getting married in the registry office or eloping, but I don’t think either side would have forgiven us! I’m quite a shy person and felt very self conscious the whole day. We do at least have nice photos of the day to show our children I suppose

Jayne310, I'm afraid you are sounding very naïve.

If you are not married then you have no legal protection. You are not legally each other's next of kin either. If you are on the property ladder then the best way of avoiding inheritance tax is to be married. Otherwise, you may lose 40% of the value you are supposed to inherit. That is if you inherit it anyway, as you would not legally be next of kin. That could fall to his (or your) blood family if not tightly sewn up in wills. Wills which can be challenged much more easily if you are not married.

Forgot to say we’re still married more than 10 years later

If you have kids the inheritance can be passed straight to the child

If no children then his parents inherit

Marriage isn’t about love it’s a binding legal contract

And I see that we have had the epic flounce.

Can't argue with stubborn.