To think dh should have just let me deal with dd

[NotAGoodParent]

Dd starts secondary school in September. She's a good kid but very lazy and doesn't use her common sense or do things off her own back (eg she will spill a drink in the side and say I've spilled a drink, I'll say ok can you clean it up, she will say what shall I use) things like that. So I'm trying to get her to use her initiative more so she will cope better at school. Things like setting an alarm to get up rather than me waking her. Rewarding her if she does homework without being asked etc.
She was out with her friends today and I called her on her phone and said to come home in 10 minutes for her lunch. She said ok. 20 minutes and she still wasn't home. I thought I'll wait and if she's longer than half an hour she isn't allowed out after lunch. She has her phone, there's no excuse for being 20 minutes late.

Dh text me asking how everyone was, he's at work, I explained dd was late back and I was leaving her to see if she came back within a reasonable time, but if call get if she was more than 30 minutes late( She has form for being late and is only down the road I wasn't worried about her) and I then get a text from him saying he's rang her and told her to come home.

Aibu to be a bit annoyed that he can't let me deal with things here when he's at work? He works hard and I do most of the parenting even when he's at home, especially with the older kids. Just annoys me that in his eyes he sees me as in effective at the only job I have.

Oh and I understand if he was worried but if he was with them And said the same thing to me, I might be worried but I wouldn't undermine him and ring her and tell her to go home when he'd explained he was waiting to see if she came back in a reasonable time

Just annoys me that in his eyes he sees me as in effective at the only job I have.

I feel your post is about this more than this isolated incident with your DD. Which is fine. Yes he did undermine you. He sounds like he is trying to control things because he is worried. What would happen if you explained your concerns?

Are you sure that this means he thinks you're ineffective and was trying to undermine you? It seems a bit of a leap to me. I think he just thought "I hope DD's ok, I'll give her a call to make sure". Is there a back story here?

Sounds like you need to be a bit harder on your dd to be honest and maybe be wants to enforce that but doesn't know how to broach it with you

I can't see what he did wrong and he absolutely did not undermine him.

You not him.

I think you need to have a chat with your husband about how to deal with your dd.
He did undermine you but probably didn't think about it at the time. He should told you he didn't like you leaving her to it and thought you should phone her not just skipping over you and going straight to her.

Have a conversation with him in why he did this. If he was worried, didn't like what you were doing or just didn't want dd to miss out going out after lunch. What he says will tell you what you need to talk about.

I wouldn't let her our after lunch regardless. She's late back. You need clear consistent boundaries. Your dh sounds like he's trying to enforce them.

Also you should have warned your dd "not back in 10 then no going out after lunch".

Not an arbitrary "if she's back in what I deem reasonable, then she can go out after lunch".

Personally I think you are being too soft.

You told her ten mins. He called her and told her to get home. Which is what you should have done after the 10 mins were up

No he's not controlling, he has very little to do with daily parenting of the kids. I told him I was leaving her to come home before I rang her.
There's not really a backstory, if anything I'm harder on her and give her more independence ie let her stay home more than 15 minutes alone, want to let her go to the local park etc, he's harder on trivial things like if they're too silly in the house or don't clean up after themselves but he's a bit too over protective when it comes to letting her grow up. So I get that he may have worried, but he could have said to me first that should he ring her, or that he thinks I should ring to check she's ok.
Turns out he's said to her on the phone that your mum's worried about where you are, you need to go home and apologise

Thanks, yes I think I probably do need to be firmer and more consistent.

Maybe when you're home and he's a work, unless its a real emergency just don't mention things like this if it really bothers you. You deal with things your way and when he's home or looking after them he can deal his way.

Only on mumsnet would reinforcing mum's actions be twisted into undermining her.

He wasn't really reinforcing my actions though.
My way was to let her self regulate a bit and be responsible and come back when I told her.
His way was to chase her up and tell her I'm worried and she needs to come home.

I realise I was overreacting thigh, just annoyed me at the time and other kids were fighting so I needed a rant x

I think you should just tell him what you're saying here.

Communication is key.

I’m with you on this one OP. There was no need for your DH to interfere.

I've told him exactly what I said on here. He just said, yeah I was just worried. I'll do what was suggested about, only tell him things that I want an imput on when he's at work, and I'll be more consistent with dd.

I definitely find it hard knowing if I'm being fair or hard on her, she's the eldest so I'm in new territory. Like with jobs round the house, I'll ask her to wash the dishes occasionally and the fuss she makes you'd think I was being abusive. It's normal for a ten year old you wash the dishes a couple times a week and tidy their room isn't it??

Does she do any chores around the house OP?
Cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, washing dishes, sorting laundry and putting a wash on etc?

Doing some proper hands-on chores would teach her what items are to be used for spills etc and help her learn common sense.
I'd be embarrassed if my otherwise NT child couldn't figure out what to use to mop up a spill at age 12/13.
It's pure laziness and passive aggressive shirking of responsibility.

It's normal for a ten year old you wash the dishes a couple times a week and tidy their room isn't it??

Everyone's normal is different, but yes that is normal for a lot of people.

At the same time, 10-year-olds making a huge fuss over having to do chores is even more normal.

5 or even 10 minutes leeway for unexpected disasters or finishing up a conversation isn't unreasonable but she needs to know that when you say "10 minutes", you don't mean "or whenever you feel like wandering home".

Actually I think he did a very good thing in reinforcing her to come home for lunch, he was backing you up. She needs boundaries and the very important one is to be home when told. You were being woolly and giving her a way out. He helped by presenting a united front, Thank him

He wasn't really reinforcing my actions though.

Oh but he was. You weren't.

Self regulation starts with boundaries though. Kids don't naturally self regulate.

I definitely find it hard knowing if I'm being fair or hard on her, she's the eldest so I'm in new territory. Like with jobs round the house, I'll ask her to wash the dishes occasionally and the fuss she makes you'd think I was being abusive. It's normal for a ten year old you wash the dishes a couple times a week and tidy their room isn't it??

Only after an hours fuss and whining about the unfairness of having to wash the dishes etc etc etc.

I reckon it takes about a years worth of can you set the table, No its not fair why can't my brother/sister/cat/dog next door neighbour do it, or anyone that is not me until they eventually actually just do it when you ask.

There is also the other people in the house syndrome, if I ask my 13 year old DD to set the table, if her brother or dad are there it is all why me it's so unfaaaair! If they are out, it is ok and smiles and she does it just like that! What's that about?