To think dh should have just let me deal with dd

[NotAGoodParent]

Dd starts secondary school in September. She's a good kid but very lazy and doesn't use her common sense or do things off her own back (eg she will spill a drink in the side and say I've spilled a drink, I'll say ok can you clean it up, she will say what shall I use) things like that. So I'm trying to get her to use her initiative more so she will cope better at school. Things like setting an alarm to get up rather than me waking her. Rewarding her if she does homework without being asked etc.
She was out with her friends today and I called her on her phone and said to come home in 10 minutes for her lunch. She said ok. 20 minutes and she still wasn't home. I thought I'll wait and if she's longer than half an hour she isn't allowed out after lunch. She has her phone, there's no excuse for being 20 minutes late.

Dh text me asking how everyone was, he's at work, I explained dd was late back and I was leaving her to see if she came back within a reasonable time, but if call get if she was more than 30 minutes late( She has form for being late and is only down the road I wasn't worried about her) and I then get a text from him saying he's rang her and told her to come home.

Aibu to be a bit annoyed that he can't let me deal with things here when he's at work? He works hard and I do most of the parenting even when he's at home, especially with the older kids. Just annoys me that in his eyes he sees me as in effective at the only job I have.

Only on mumsnet would reinforcing mum's actions be twisted into undermining her.

It is undermining, as the OP had already told him she was going to wait half an hour. He went against her stated plan.

Yes I think you're right. I apologised for being annoyed at him, he apologised for stepping on my toes, so really a none issue 🙈

She doesn't have regular jobs but I'll ask her to wash the dishes maybe once a week, (3 maybe 4 times in the holidays) tidy her room once or twice , and remind her to pick up after herself. I think I'm scared of being too hard on her, but I realise that won't do any of us especially her, any good in the long run

Actually I think he did a very good thing in reinforcing her to come home for lunch, he was backing you up.

I agree with this. I also think your dd knows full well what she can get away and what not, I don’t think you are doing her any favours tbh

Ive got a 10 year old.

Personally I don't see that he did much wrong. I can see your point, but it just doesn't seem like a big deal.

Unless there's a backstory?

Fwiw my 10 year old sounds similar, personally I'd have followed up with a second phone call saying if you're not home now you're staying in, your way feels a bit like game playing just resulting in more frustration and tantrums. Doesn't mean I'm right though it's just not my style.

crossposted with you there op.

Not only is it normal but in a lot of households kids that age are doing a lot more than that.
Leaving it til later ages to get them to start helping round the house isn't a good idea.
With my nephews and nieces, we took the opportunity to involve them in normal household chores early - tasks depending on age and ability.
As toddlers when they reached that level where they wanted to take part we'd let them carry their own empty cup/plate etc to the table and back.
It made them feel good and they loved the praise they got for it too.
As they grew older they were involved more - i.e passing clothes/pegs to whoever was hanging out the washing, helping sort out laundry before it went in the wash.
Small things that were built on over time so by the time they got to secondary school age they could pack their own school bags, put away their own clothes, tidy/clean their rooms and help with basic chores round the house.
It's how our parents brought us up and although we weren't thrilled with it at the time and complained about being treated like slaves (as most kids do), it was a bloody good lesson to learn how to handle/manage the mental load and basic tasks.

"It is undermining, as the OP had already told him she was going to wait half an hour. He went against her stated plan"

OP's DD didn't know OP was letting go of the boundary she set. In DD's eye, OP undermined herself, DH reinforced her.

@coralnails it does sound like game playing doesn't it. I realise iabu and actually I'm quite ashamed that I didn't just be the parent and call and tell her to get it, almost as though I was daring her to be late. Thank you all for helping me see what I was doing.
I admit I constantly second guess myself, I don't have confidence in my parenting at all x

What does come home in ten mins mean-be home in ten mins or leave where she was after ten mins?

Well, either way imo she should have headed home straight away.

She was already 20mins late when your husband texted so I would have thought already late enough for her to not go out again after lunch.

Give her more precise instructions. Instead of 'in 10 minutes' say
When the time on your phone says [state precise time] you need to leave [friendsname's] house and come straight home.

very lazy and doesn't use her common sense or do things off her own back

Alternatively, she MAY have difficulty with Executive Function and/or processing speed.
www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/executive-functioning-issues/3-areas-of-executive-function

www.understood.org/en/learning-attention-issues/child-learning-disabilities/information-processing-issues/the-connection-between-slow-processing-speed-and-executive-function

If so, this will really show when secondary school starts, so just be aware and observe for now. It's such a shame when kids are told they are lazy and should know better at their age when there's a reason for their 'lazy and shows no initiative' behaviour.

Thank you blank, I'll have a look at that x

Sounds like everyone in your house is too soft and afraid to step on Princess TippyToes feelings and upset her. She’s got to learn time and motion ie shift your ass home, when requested.

Yes I think you're right. I apologised for being annoyed at him, he apologised for stepping on my toes, so really a none issue

I’m pleased. I think both dh and I would ‘interfere’ rather than undermine in this sort of situation. (Which is why I don’t tell him There is a situation until afterwards sometimes)

I'm sorry a bit off your point but your daughter sounds a bit like my son who was diagnosed with High Functioning Aspergers. No-one realised he had Aspergers - including my friends who have children who have been diagnosed. But it was always like he was missing a common sense gene. He is also very factual and literal - your comment about her mentioning that she spilt a drink....exactly something my son would say. He's stating a fact. I've had to train him that there is an urgent step when he has spilt something. Has your daughter ever pointed at things? My son doesn't get pointing - if I pointed to something and said can you please move that over there? he would have no idea what I was talking about so he was coming across lazy and he would not do anything while he was trying to work out what I meant. I have to say, can you please move the green cup and put it next to the green plate. People with Asperger traits can find time management tricky too. And it presents itself more often for girls at puberty or the start of high school.

I'm almost certain she doesn't have aspergers, besides the lack of common sense she doesn't tick any other boxes. She's sarcastic, finds it very easy to connect and talk to people, I started another thread asking what other people's ten year olds do and read her the responses, she immediately offered to wash up, she put some music on and is currently tidying the kitchen x