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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not been invited on works do

27 replies

pinkwipe · 03/01/2019 12:11

I've only been working with the company for 1 month, in all fairness, but they openly talk about 2 work dos they have coming up in front of me most work days. I'm quite reserved and awkward and don't want to feel intrusive by asking, but they just talk about it amongst each other and their plans, outfits etc and I get cut out of those parts of conversation. AIBU to feel a bit pushed out - even if I'm still new?

OP posts:

Luvey · 03/01/2019 12:13

Yes they're being inconsiderate. They should have asked you by now if you want to go.

greendale17 · 03/01/2019 12:14

How is it a work do?

Original poster

pinkwipe · 03/01/2019 12:14

@greendale17 nights out/meals out with everyone from work.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 03/01/2019 12:17

Hhhmm depends if it is something arranged by the company or arranged by individuals. Is everyone in the office invited or just a team?

Maybe no one is aware you haven’t been invited as they assumed you’ve been asked?

LadyFlumpalot · 03/01/2019 12:21

If your team is anything like mine, find your local friendly admin type person who will have probably made the bookings etc and ask them if there is room for you. I'm constantly getting people asking me to add them into things like the distribution lists and onto event invites, it's not because I'm being crap, it's because the team is spread over three sites and if no one tells me that new starters have joined I'd never know.

strawberrisc · 03/01/2019 12:23

Where I work I get on with everyone but people go out in different groups.

ClarabellaCTL · 03/01/2019 12:35

Maybe it's a group of friends rather than a work do? It's inconsiderate to be discussing it in front of you though.

Original poster

pinkwipe · 03/01/2019 12:38

The 1st one is an actual works so where work are paying for it - a second Christmas party.

The 2nd one is a colleagues birthday organised specifically for everyone at work to go out for her birthday (she's having her actual birthday with non-work people the week before, this one was arranged by work).

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2019 12:39

I would have probed further, and been quite bold and ask if you could go too as it sounds like fun, as you are new it would be great to get to know everybody. Or if you could not do that, ask your line manager if there is a works do that you could go to.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2019 12:40

Sometimes you do need to speak out, especially the companies official do, you are still their worker and have a right to go, so I would have broached that with my manager.

comedycentral · 03/01/2019 12:40

I would forget the birthday one as I imagine numbers are finalised but I would get a place on the work one if you want to go. Ask someone who the organiser is. If you don't ask they will just assume you don't want to go or they might assume someone else asked you x

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 12:43

Even if its a group of friends from work how inconsiderate to leave out one person and talk about it in front of you! Are you sure they haven't just forgotten to invite you?

Original poster

pinkwipe · 03/01/2019 12:43

There won't be any numbers finalised on the birthday one as it's just drinks, pubs etc. It's just that everyone from our small company is going!

OP posts:

SarahET · 03/01/2019 12:43

From your first day there you should have been invited. I'd like to think they'd want to make you feel welcome! It's highly likely that they've not realised you haven't been invited.

Personally I'd be glad not to have to go but I'm not really into socialising with people from work too much. Agree with PP, if you'd like to go mention it to somebody you're most friendly with.

Consolidateyourloins · 03/01/2019 12:46

In this situation I would speak to the organiser, or I would ask my manager and he would speak to whoever necessary to ensure I was invited.

CookPassBabtridge · 03/01/2019 12:51

Speak up! In these situations it's usually a case of they will assume someone else has already invited you. If you say something it's not like you're being cheeky inviting yourself to a personal night out with a few people.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/01/2019 12:52

Just ask op, my mum said, that if you don't ask, you don't get! Ask the organiser, that you heard that you guys are meeting for birthday drinks, could you tag along.

daisychain01 · 03/01/2019 12:53

As you are presumably still in your probationary period, is this really that important to you that you need to raise it at this early time?

I'd be more inclined to let the "second Christmas party" go, get on with your job and try to focus on fitting in with colleagues and show that you're the bigger person about it. The birthday do is even less relevant.

If you'd been there over 6 months then I'd say you might have something to worry about re your colleagues excluding you, but with only 3-4 weeks into the job, try to see the big picture if you're planning to stay there long term.

supergrains · 03/01/2019 12:54

You'll have to ask if you want to go because it sounds like you've been missed off the invite and no ones noticed

MrsJane · 03/01/2019 13:08

I know it's hard, but I would pipe up and say, ooh what's this? Can I come along?

Put yourself out there. Good opportunity to get to know everyone.

Yes, they should've invited you but they haven't for reasons unknown. (They've forgotten, assumed you wouldn't want to go if you're new, or just that nobody has shown any initiative, etc!!)

Do it!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/01/2019 13:11

You should ask the main admin person quietly when no one else is around whether you want to go or not because I can guarantee that whether they wanted to invite you or not (most will assume someone has invited you ) you will get a barrage of questions about why didn't you show up.. and when you say not invited... they will all say but why didn't you just ask and you could end up with some patronising or judgemental comments. Which would be unfair and more annoying than not being asked in the first place. They will assume that you would try to find out and not wait to be told.. (which is wrong but work people are like that) . Its not being intrusive, it's asking the company organisers what they expect from you..
I think you should be asked to the Christmas do, but forget the birthday. If you don't want to go - you could say you'd already booked something for that weekend with friends before joining the company. But at least you will have covered yourself and you will have a reply ready to any unfair comments.
They don't sound like a considerate bunch they should have invited you without being asked.

Lweji · 03/01/2019 13:23

Did they arrange the dos before you joined the company and then forgot to add you on?
Do they have an email list that they haven't added you to yet?

GenerationSnowflake · 03/01/2019 13:24

you are an adult, if it's a company thing you are not intruding by asking question about a work do
you are not intruding either by walking into the office, jesus wept!

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 03/01/2019 13:29

It depends a bit on what the back story might be for the "second Christmas" do is.

I've never actually worked anywhere that paid for the staff Xmas night out, but I think that companies that do this, treat is as a sort of thank you to staff for their work during the past 12 months. Their thinking may be that you don't warrant an invite as you weren't there.

It sucks a bit, but my guess is you won't miss much!

And again I can see you might feel a bit hurt about the birthday party, but if the birthday person wants to celebrate with their colleagues, that doesn't yet include you.

slashlover · 03/01/2019 13:46

The first one I would definitely ask about.

There won't be any numbers finalised on the birthday one as it's just drinks, pubs etc. It's just that everyone from our small company is going!

Surely there are no invitations then and people are just expected to show up if they want to?

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