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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

holiday plans and daughter pregnant

56 replies

Gramsinturmoil · 03/01/2019 11:10

Am in turmoil re my daughters pregnancy and my planned/booked holiday!
My daughter is 12 weeks pregnant , the problem? her due date is smack bang in the middle of my planned 3 month overseas trip. She has listened to me plan this trip and an ensuing 12 month extended travel plans and didn't say a word..i booked, paid and confirmed travel arrangements prior to being told!
I am very torn with what to do :( my partner is looking forward to me joining him but feel like I should be here :(

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 03/01/2019 11:36

Just come back if you can for a visit once baby is here she probably just wants life as normal as you said she has had loses before just breathe and look forward to your holiday

brizzledrizzle · 03/01/2019 11:37

She's obviously happy with you being away as she knows she has support in place so there isn't any reason why you can't go from that point of view. I'm like you though, I wouldn't be able to go.

WhatsUpHun · 03/01/2019 11:38

Go - she will be fine, she has a partner, come back if you have to

go and enjoy yourself

pfwow · 03/01/2019 11:39

I live abroad, my parents didn't see my eldest for five weeks. She obviously isn't that bothered about you being there, I understand that you are, you should talk to her about it, but be prepared for her saying that she is happy with other support around her.

diddl · 03/01/2019 11:39

Why are you in turmoil?

Has your daughter asked you to be there?

If not & it's about you wanting to be there-no need to be "in turmoil" imo.

pfwow · 03/01/2019 11:40

And I am really close to my mum, but I didn't NEED her. I was happy to see her, happy to share things with her, but I was a grown up in my 30s with a very supportive husband. You can be close and not need a person there.

Ragwort · 03/01/2019 11:43

I am sure she will be fine, if it had been anything of an issue surely as an mature grown up she would have dropped at least a hint to you?

I didn't expect my mother or MIL to be 'around' for the birth of my child, DH and I are responsible adults and made our plans accordingly. My DM lived over four hours away - she visited when DS was home, about 10 days later.

Equally, unless asked specifically, I would certainly not expect to be 'around' if my DS & wife have a baby .

fruitbrewhaha · 03/01/2019 11:43

I'm surprised by some of the posts here. She will be completely fine, or she would have told you while you were planning that she was ttc.

She has her partner and his parents I presumed to help out. Is her dad around too? A step mother on the scene.

I can't help but think this is more about you OP. I wouldn't sack off an amazing paid for trip.

ProblemsAhead · 03/01/2019 11:47

Does she want you there? It sounds as though she's fine with you being away if she has told you to go.

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 03/01/2019 11:48

My DM was on a long cruise when my now adult DS was born, so he was quite a few weeks old when they finally met. He was none the wiser.

I don’t see the problem, go and have your holiday. You will probably be able to phone or FaceTime every day.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 03/01/2019 11:50

You need to talk to your daughter. It's possible she's totally fine with you not being there and will manage no problem. Or if she kept it quiet because of the previous miscarriages, she might actually be desperate for you to be there but doesn't feel like she can ask you to cancel what sounds like a major trip.

What other support does she have? Who will look after her other DC while she's in hospital? What if she needs to stay in hospital longer than planned - do her + her partner have other people who can help out?

On a personal note, my mum was the person I wanted around most after I had my baby - even more than my partner! I would have managed obviously but it would have made it all so much tougher without her.

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 11:50

I presume she has support (Eg emergency childcare for dc1 if she goes into labour). Other than that you can call her, WhatsApp etc and see the baby when it's a few weeks old. No drama!

Drum2018 · 03/01/2019 11:52

She said it's fine. You can hardly be expected to cancel your trip so go and enjoy it. And she didn't need to tell you she was ttc nor did she need to tell you as soon as she found out she was pregnant. That's her business and she's obviously content with you going on your trip. Set up Skype chats when baby is born.

jessstan2 · 03/01/2019 11:53

Don't worry about it but follow your heart, if you feel like curtailing your holiday, do so. Your daughter will appreciate. However, in days gone by, people didn't worry about such things - apparently. Not my experience but that means nothing, things happen. What happens in the years following is more important.

I read Alan Sugar's autobiography some years ago and he talked about his parents being absent for one of their grandchild's birth - was quite interesting. He had no animosity and sort of understood their mindset, They were good grandparents.

Chill and see what happens.

RivanQueen · 03/01/2019 11:53

I would go on your holiday and see your DGC when you get back, it's only 6 weeks. If your DD was going to be upset by you not being around for the birth and immediate weeks after she would have told you when you were planning your trip. She's a grown up and it seems like she's aware that other peoples lives don't stop because of what's happening in her life.
If you are really worried then talk to her, ask her what she wants. If you go and cancel/change your plans without talking to her because of what you want she might actually be upset or annoyed at you doing that without discussing it with her first.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 03/01/2019 12:14

Go and enjoy your holiday!

mindutopia · 03/01/2019 12:15

I think that's fine. Enjoy your trip. Meet baby at a few weeks old when you return. My mum lives overseas. She's never been around when either of mine were born (and I wouldn't have wanted her to be, actually, as we really wanted some time just to ourselves). She met both of our dc when they were about 6 weeks old, which was perfect timing. Enjoy your travels. If you must and you can afford it, fly back for a few days in the middle to see them and then carry on.

NoWittyNamesAvailable · 03/01/2019 12:21

My mum was abroad for the births of 2 of my sons. My parents had booked a holiday, 3 months later i found out i was pregnant, due right in the middle of their break. He came on his due date so was a week old when they met him. Ds3 my parents book a short 5 day trip abroad, i had him on day 2 of their trip. My mum was gitted both times but to me and my children it really made no difference. I had my husband there and that was far more important, i love my mum and we are very close but those first few days are for me and my husband to get to know our child.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 03/01/2019 12:24

you knew she was ttc i assume after previous losses, you didn't really expect her not to TTC because you're away?

She knows, you knew, it's fine. And isn't 'about you' so let them be.

newmun · 03/01/2019 12:24

All these saying she doesnt want you there , she obviously didnt want you not to go in case the pregnancy didnt progress. Theres always video calls/ phone calls etc for the 4-6 ish weeks until you return. Shes not alone.

ClarabellaCTL · 03/01/2019 12:32

She has listened to me plan this trip and an ensuing 12 month extended travel plans and didn't say a word..i booked, paid and confirmed travel arrangements prior to being told!

This says she doesn't want you here. The way you have worded this tells me why. There is an undertone of 'how dare she TTC and get pregnant and interfere with my travel plans'.

She's suffered losses, she has a valid reason for not wanting to tell people before she was ready to. Instead of accepting that, you're looking at it as a problem for you

I would suggest you go and enjoy your holiday, tell your daughter you are delighted for her and look forward to meeting your new grandchild when you get back.

SweetheartNeckline · 03/01/2019 12:34

I told my mum at 4+5 ish with this pregnancy as I have 3 other children and my mum would be my first choice for childcare (knowing it could be a few days / nights with no notice at a not-totally-predictable time). We don't have other family, so your DD might not be in the same position, but other than that I won't "need" my mum after the birth as I have supportive friends and DH of course. I don't think she'd want to be away and would rejig plans if possible but not if it would lose her thousands!

Italiangreyhound · 03/01/2019 12:36

Have a lovely time on your trip and if you want to (and can afford to) pop back when baby is here for a few days, if you want to.

It's very harsh people saying your daughter doesn't want you there! I am sure she would be delighted to have you there (because you are close) but she knows you want to go on the trip.

And telling you about the baby and having you change the trip could have proved very hard because maybe if there was another miscarriage she would feel devastated and also sad she had made you alter your trip.

Just enjoy your trip and congratulations on another grandchild.

MsHopey · 03/01/2019 12:39

My DS was a planned c section so we knew exactly when he was being born. My mom still booked a holiday for that time.
I was a bit 🤨 but it's not a big deal, I have a very supportive DH and didn't really need any extra help.
She visited us once when she got back from her holiday and then when my c section was healed enough I went back to driving to see her once a month or so.
I suppose it depends how close you are and what support she has, but personally I don't think it'll make much difference in the long run.

seastargirl · 03/01/2019 12:41

My mum went away for a week 6 weeks before my due date, I had a placental abruption while she was away, my daughter and I were both gravely ill and my mum had to get back from her hols as she couldn't be away when things were that bad.

I know these things are rare, but think about where you're going and how easy it would be to get back if you need to.

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