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Original poster

To give DH time limit to decide on ttc second child?

36 replies

mousepadpen · 02/01/2019 10:00

We have a wonderful 14 month old. He was a pretty high needs baby and is a full on toddler and this put pressure on us both. I have always wanted more than one (but currently go through constant cold feet, will it harm my first to have another? Will he be put out by a new baby? Is it too much pressure on our relationship? Will broth be as awful?).

DH wanted two before but since we've had DC he says he would be equally happy with one.

We would have to ttc soon (within this month/maybe next) to avoid them having the same birthday and then wait if not so we didn't have a Christmas baby.

I can't decide if I'm ready but I think I am.

Wibu to tell DH I want to know when he wants to try and I need a (rough) date?

Sorry for long post

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/01/2019 10:02

If you can’t decide if you’re ready then why the rush? DC1 is only just over a year. Why would it be so vital to try this month or next?

MissConductUS · 02/01/2019 10:03

I think it would be reasonable to ask him for a time line to make a decision to try again.

I was in a similar situation to you then became pregnant while we weren't really trying (I needed some fertility treatment for dc 1). We don't regret it at all. Two was perfect for us.

Good luck.

Flowers
MrsJamin · 02/01/2019 10:06

It is virtually always good to provide a sibling for a child, why would you think it might harm him? Knowing you're not the centre of the universe is helpful from the onset of life.

bluefolder · 02/01/2019 10:07

having a similar birthday or Xmas birthday isn't the end of the world! both better than a summer birthday, ideally.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 10:08

If he's fairly full on why do you want to ttc so soon? Two under three can be hard work!

QueenofmyPrinces · 02/01/2019 10:08

I had the same problem in that it took me about a year to convince my DH to try for a second. Our first had also been a high needs baby and he was reluctant to risk that happening again.

After finally getting him to agree I fell pregnancy straight away but then miscarried at 7 weeks.

I didn’t want to stay trying to TTC again straight away and we agreed to put it on hold for about 3 months and during that time my husband changed his mind again and said he wanted to stick with one.

Thankfully he changed his mind again but he put conditions on it:

If I had another miscarriage then we wouldn’t try again, and if I hadn’t conceived by the time he turned 35 then we would stop trying as he wouldn’t want another baby at any age after that.

It took about 10 cycles to get pregnant again and thankfully it happened a few months before he turned 35 Grin

I would definitely ask him as you need a time frame. My advice though, after it taking 10 months to conceive second time around, is to just get on with it as pregnancy and due dates come with their own set of rules and they can’t really be planned.

I had wanted a smaller age gap between my children but due to the miscarriage, the three month break and and then another 10 cycles of trying our second baby wasn’t actually born until 20 months after we had first started TTC.

Good luck OP and don’t waste time trying to plan the perfect conception date as life will run its own course.

planespotting · 02/01/2019 10:08
  • We would have to ttc soon (within this month/maybe next) to avoid them having the same birthday and then wait if not so we didn't have a Christmas baby.

I can't decide if I'm ready but I think I am.

Wibu to tell DH I want to know when he wants to try and I need a (rough) date?*

OP from reading your post you seem to think that it needs to be now.
It doesn't.
There is also no guarantee you will get pregnant next month or the next, it could happen or it could take a while.

I personally think you should take your time to find out what you really want. DC is 2 and we are still undecided. Better to wait and make sure in my opinion.

Also I think these kind of threads go better in conception? As some people hide them for sensitive reasons

Good luck

Chewinggumwalk · 02/01/2019 10:10

Honestly, the birthdays are the last thing I would be worrying about!!

Two is far harder than one, because you have the first going through a lot of changes and adapting to the new baby, and the new baby. You are absolutely right to be thinking carefully about this, as it’s so hard.

But it’s a whole new little person and when they start interacting with the older one, your heart will melt into a tiny puddle. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done (did I mention it is hard? Grin), but it’s so worth it in my opinion.

My view is that you’re thinking about the right things but in the wrong way. Time limits and birthdays aren’t really the important things. Whether you want a second Dc and whether you’re prepared to cope with it all when you are already happy with the one you have: those are the sort of things you should be answering together. Hope that’s helpful, and lots of luck if you do choose to TTC!

Hohocabbage · 02/01/2019 10:15

What happens if you wait another year?

Oysterbabe · 02/01/2019 10:18

There's no hurry, take your time.

In my experience second baby's are wonderful. I felt so much calmer about the whole thing and he just slotted straight into family life. There's 2 years between my 2 and they adore eachother and enrich eachother's life every day. After a while I found 2 almost easier than 1, certainly no harder. They play together so you get a bit of a break!
Also both of mine are christmas babies and it's never been an issue.

Hocuspocusy · 02/01/2019 10:19

It makes me laugh when people think they can schedule in a baby. It might happen right away, it might take a year. Don’t schedule it, Take the time to decide and then if you’re both in agreement, go for it. What’s the rush? Are you an ‘older’ mum?

SlipperyLizard · 02/01/2019 10:24

My two had the same due date, two years apart - we wanted at least two years between them but I got pregnant first try with no 2.

They don’t have the same birthday (DD1 was early, DD2 pretty much on time) - but even if they did, I think it would be lovely rather than a problem!

Hocuspocusy · 02/01/2019 10:26

Agree with pp. My OH shares a birthday with his younger brother, it’s lovely!! Birthday dinners/parties etc are even more special.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 02/01/2019 10:28

My DD is now 5 and our second is due next month.

The thought of having two so young was awful for me and DH and we just said we'll talk about it again when she went to school and just happened to fall pregnant a little while before that.

Don't ask him for a time line. It sounds like a pressure and having children shouldn't be like that.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/01/2019 10:33

So you can't decide if you're ready but you want to rush your DH into a decision? Seems a bit unfair to be honest.

Val87 · 02/01/2019 10:34

You don’t sound ready. My DS is 7 and we want another one day but we’re not in any rush.

adreamofspring · 02/01/2019 10:37

I think you’re worrying way too much about the birthday thing. My brother and I had birthdays 2 days apart and it was a good way of ensuring that we understood about taking turns.

Take that out of the equation and have a sensible chat with your DH about how you’d cope with two, about the regrets you may (or may not!!) have if you don’t try for another. Visualise yourself in the future when you’re out of the toddler phase as a family of 3 or a family of 4.

This is a big picture decision that requires big picture thinking. Good luck OP!

Doobee · 02/01/2019 10:40

How old are you? If you’re in your 20s then stop over thinking and stressing all of this!

TheMincePiesAreMine · 02/01/2019 10:43

You have time on your side. Loads of people have 3 year gaps these days, or more. For some it's about childcare costs - can't afford another baby until the first is at school or at least having free childcare hours. I used to think 2 years was the ideal gap but I was so, so wrong! (we have almost exactly 2 years, youngest has autism, it was tough.) 3 year gaps seem to work well, 7 or 8 year gaps too. Anything goes. A bigger gap is not worse than a small gap, just different.

Give your DH some more time.

brokenhead · 02/01/2019 10:44

So what if they have the same birthday ? 🙄

Redgreencoverplant · 02/01/2019 10:45

The decision is so personal and it sounds as though you are both a bit unsure right now so perhaps take a few months to really think about it?

People often generalise on this issue and say that a sibling is always good but that's not always the case and you should make the decision based on your own circumstances. There are pros and cons to one child and pros and cons to multiple children.

Fatted · 02/01/2019 10:45

You need to wait. Rushing into something neither of you sound particularly sure about isn't a good idea!

Our first DS was very hard work as a baby. Originally we wanted two DC, but after having DS1 both DH and I said never again. It wasn't until DS was a year old and things got easier that we considered having another. We loosely TTC around a year, then decided to wait until DS was about 18 months and I fell pregnant quickly then with DS2. There's 2 years and six weeks between my boys.

Being pregnant with a toddler and working full time is bloody hard work. So if your DC is hard work already, I'd say wait until they're 2 before TTC. Having two aged 2 and under is also hard work, but really good fun. We were lucky I suppose that DS2 was an easier baby than DS1. Although I suppose in comparison, anything was easier than him!!

Thetigerwhocameto · 02/01/2019 10:46

I’d not be too worried about where the birthdays are supposed to fall, DD was due in July but came in May (I also believed this wouldn’t happen to me)

Fairenuff · 02/01/2019 10:48

How can you give him a time limit? What happens if he doesn't decide within the allotted time?

MarthasGinYard · 02/01/2019 10:51

I think you sound ridiculous TBH

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