To think it's rude not to ask a child about their Christmas

[hippoherostandinghere]

I'm not sure if I'm just being a moaning Minnie or if my family are just downright rude.
Seen my brother and his wife yesterday at my mum's house for the first time since Christmas. It also happened to be my nieces birthday so took round a present for her. My niece made a few rude comments about her present which is annoying enough on its own but what's really annoying me is that in the hour that we were there neither my DB or DSIL asked my DC if they had a nice Christmas, if Santa came, what they got etc. Not once, no comments at all.
I was chatting away with my niece and her sisters about what they got and how their Christmas went. One of them didn't answer me but I asked her again until she did.

Honestly, I've been brewing on it all day and it's annoying me more and more. I'm realising now that it happens all the time. For example DD is big into a particular sport and she had her 1st big competition recently. I heard nothing from them after to say well done or ask her how she got on. I feel like she could win a noble prize and they still wouldn't mention it!

How old are your DC? Do they really notice if aunts and uncles make a big deal over their presents from Santa? I've seen all my siblings and their children a number of times since xmas (including on the day), and none of us parents asked the kids. We had plenty of other convos through the day, it was just a given that they had a visit, and got something they liked. Kids talked amongst themselves re xmas, us adults did the same. Not rude at all. What is rude is expecting everyone else to have exactly the same opinions and outlook as yourself, and getting pissed off with them when they don't behave how you want them to....

I spent NYE with dp's large family, which included 9 nieces and nephews. I chatted with all of them at various points, about lots of things, but don't recall asking any of them if they'd had a nice Christmas and what presents they got tbh.
You can't programme conversation.

God sounds like my BIL who thinks he's far cooler and smarter than any of us and only deigns to talk if he can be arsed moving his lips. His DD, unsurprisingly, is very rude also. YANBU but I think this is about not making conversation rather than specific questions about Christmas. The latter not happening is forgivable, the former is very bad form.

i have a great relationship with my 20+ nieces and nephews. I don't need to know details. They know I care about them, am interested in them, i also understand that they might not always want to be grilled.

I can't see that it's rude not to ask about a child's Christmas. Apart from anything else people with birthdays close to Christmas often find that Christmas overshadows the birthday. Your db and sil may have felt that Christmas is now over for them and just be trying to focus on their dd's birthday.

But (depending on her age) your dn shouldn't have made rude comments about the present you gave her, and your db and SIL should have pulled her up on it.

It was her birthday and they were probably just focusing on that, especially given that birthdays near to Christmas can be a sore point for some.

Christmas is over and some people are just over it, it’s gone. Especially in their minds, it’s their daughters birthday. Also not everyone is scripted, and says everything we ‘should’ say. Sometimes I don’t ask a DN how’s school etc because they are sick of being asked! Sounds like the child you asked was likely sick of being asked too. I know that after a few days at work I am sick to death of being asked how my Christmas was.

You seem upset that you think they all hate you or don’t care about you/ kids, I would say let those worries go and just concentrate on you giving them love, they don’t need anyone to ask them about Santa really.

YABU. When I was a child, I hated people asking me questions about what presents I had got and ‘did Santa come’. I still loathe it now. It’s so focused on stuff, I don’t want to give you a stupid list of material things. Loathe it.

Also I’m with others - you were there for an hour. For your neice’s birthday. Being born so close to Christmas she probably haaaates the fact people conflate her birthday with Christmas. And you what, just kept asking questions until the kids had to answer you? Weird and rude.

YABVU.

I have my birthday in December after Xmas day, I would NEVER ask a child who has a birthday at this time of year about Xmas on their actual birthday. Hard enough for a child at this time of year to have a birthday. I would focus on their actual birthday.
There is obviously a backstory here and I think this has led to you looking for things to be annoyed about.

Your niece was rude about the gift which was uncalled for but it was her birthday so that may be why they only focused on their dd and not your dc.

So I'm rude for chatting to my nieces in a conversational manner and they are not rude for ignoring my children?

it is her birthday for goodness' sake.

You're obviously spoiling for a fight to prove you're in the right, OP. Which is a bit rude.

You've not yet answered about their ages, which you have been asked a few times.
You've said she's into a particular sport and had a big competition recently, so I'm guessing your dd isn't that little?
I presume if they had something they wanted to share with their Aunt / Uncle, then they would have.
It can actually become a bit of a pain when grown up after grown up asks you to list your Christmas presents for them.
I'd have thought, as it was your niece's birthday, it's quite feasible they are trying to make it a completely separate event from Christmas for her, with it being so close.
So, no, I don't think 'not asking about Christmas' is rude in itself.

If they never speak to her / make conversation, then that is a different question although it might depend on her responses previously. We have one dn who hates 'being put on the spot' (as she perceives it), and won't answer you if you ask her a direct question, so we don't therefore tend to ask her, when we might ask other dns questions about what they have been up to. Is there anything like that at play?

My Dcs ages? I must have missed that. DD is 7. DS9.

I think it shows a distinct lack of interest in your dc OP. I am not blessed with any nieces or nephews ( our dc are the only dc on both sides- our combined brothers showing no sign of likelihood of having children of their own) but my db always asks after my dc and is very generous at both Christmas and birthdays. Even coming to school/ choir performances when he isn’t working away (which given he is single and has an active social life he has no need to do).

I do have a brother who is distinctly disinterested in both me and my dc (more because his life is very busy and he is constantly on the go) but I am sure he would take the time to ask my dc if they had a nice Christmas- if he happened to be in their company.

Do you think that perhaps your visit was on a bad day? As others have said, your nieces reluctance to discuss Christmas accompanied with her parents lack of interest, may be due to problems behind the scenes- be they maritalor otherwise. Were they ever interested in you and your dc? Or could they be having a rough time atm/ recently and be hiding it badly.

Is there any history of conflict between you/ your dh and your sibling and partner? Apologies if I have missed an answer to this whilst writing this post.

I don't think it's at all rude? I haven't been going round asking everyone's kids how their Christmases were and haven't had an abundance of people asking my kids either? Maybe I'm rude/we're all rude. Sea an odd thing to get worked up about.

Did you also ask whether your niece had had a nice birthday? And generally make a fuss of the birthday girl before asking her sister/s about Christmas. I’m just wondering if it is a trying to make nieces birthday special and not mention Christmas thing, rather than disinterest/ rudeness.

How old is the birthday niece?

It was the birthday girls sister who didn't answer straight away. I gave lots of attention to the birthday girl.
I'm not spoiling for a fight at all, happy to accept I'm unreasonable but I draw the line and being called rude when I constantly make an effort to show I care about my family.
There hasn't even been a big falling out or any particular issues I'm aware off. But now I'm wondering do they maybe talking about me in a negative way in front of the DC who have picked up on it and now just can't be bothered with me. The children are all good friends as they spend a lot of time at my parents who mind them all.

Birthday girl was 5.

What did the 5 year old say about the present?

How are your DB and SIL with you hippo?

You could ask your parents if there is anything that they have heard from your DB or SIL? Or ask your DB if everything is ok.

Are you financially a lot better off? Could jealousy be the issue? Or do your DP support you more than your DB and SIL and they are upset for that reason?

I think you need to chill out. It must be exhausting to go through life overanalysing everything so much.

I'm not spoiling for a fight at all, happy to accept I'm unreasonable but I draw the line and being called rude when I constantly make an effort to show I care about my family.
That's not the issue though, is it? You think they are rude for not doing something which you do. They may thing you are rude for something else. Just because you make the effort to specifically ask a few q of your nieces (which they didn't seem particularly interested in, tbh) doesn't mean you are not rude in a different way. (Not that I'm saying you are, I'm just pointing out that what some ppl class as rude isn't deemed the same by many others, a lot of whom have already told you that here.) I certainly didn't say you were rude for making the effort at conversation, neither did anyone else. Hth.

Don't see that's rude not to ask.

Asking someone over and over until they have to answer is rude though. They may have a perfectly good reason why they don't want to answer.