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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would this be disrespectful to DP?

34 replies

bigaba · 01/01/2019 22:31

DP and I are in a little rocky patch at the minute. We usually spend a lot of our time together but I've asked him today to give me some space for the rest of the week so I can think straight about sorting our issues.
I never go for nights out but have arranged with a friend to go out on Saturday. Would it be disrespectful to not tell him? I feel like he's going to be a bit annoyed as I never go out and with the timing he will think I'm just trying to make a point, or trying to escape the relationship or make him paranoid etc.
It feels like I shouldn't have to tell him but feel like he'd be taken aback if he saw it on social media or something.

OP posts:
ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 22:46

Don't put it on social media? And ask friends not to tag you? I don't think it's disrespectful, per se, presumably you don't have to give him a run down of everything you do?

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 22:48

@ReaganSomerset yeah, true. I don't, just very conscious that he'd feel a bit put out and paranoid if he knew I was out for the first time in a blue moon when we are coincidentally having some space. He's got no reason not to trust me but I know he'd be paranoid for some reasonConfused

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Chocolate85 · 01/01/2019 22:49

You’re not obliged to tell him. But if there’s a chance he’ll find out from someone else, either through social media or someone he knows actually seeing you then you might save yourself a lot of hassle by just telling him. Be very matter of fact and don’t get sucked in to arguing. Enjoy your night out.

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 22:51

@Chocolate85 thank you. I definitely can't be bothered with arguing right now. Any time I've mentioned going for a drink previously he's always been straight on defence and usually always replied with, 'well, I'm going to go and have that night out then with __' in a shitty tone. He's a piece of work at the minute but I'm hoping to just enjoy some social, drama free time!

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Crunchymum · 01/01/2019 22:54

He sounds controlling? Yeah I know it's trotted out all the time on here but he does.

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 22:55

@Crunchymum honestly, it only did cross my mind properly when writing this.

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Grilledaubergines · 01/01/2019 23:00

In the interests of honesty, just say to him “I’m out with friends on Saturday. He doesn’t get to decide whether you can or should. It’s your life, and you certainly shouldn’t be seeking permission, ever, to live it. If he’s deterred you from having your own life in the past then I’d seriously be considering whether the break should be a permanent one. He sounds an arse.

Popc0rn · 01/01/2019 23:01

If you live together then I'd say yes you need to tell him that you're going out and gonna be back late etc, because it would be a bit "disrespectful" not to, just because he'll probably wonder/worry where you are. But guessing you don't or have moved out temporarily?

Relationships shouldn't be such hard work that you can't go about your life as usual. Hopefully having some space will help you clear your head. Have a good night!

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 23:02

@Popc0rn yes, he's moved out temporarily. Thank you Smile

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WorraLiberty · 01/01/2019 23:04

Any time I've mentioned going for a drink previously he's always been straight on defence and usually always replied with, 'well, I'm going to go and have that night out then with __' in a shitty tone.

Is it just him who's like that or is that attitude fairly mutual?

I only ask because I've known a few couples like that, who don't like each other going out.

If that's the case then it wouldn't be disrespectful, but would be double standards.

Do you/did you live together?

WorraLiberty · 01/01/2019 23:05

Actually given that he's moved out because you want space, I'd just tell him rather than risk him finding out from someone else.

If he gets arsey then he gets arsey.

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 23:08

@WorraLiberty we did live together but he's temporarily moved out.

For the first half of our relationship it was like that, yes. I wasn't as passive aggressive and more upset if he went out, but we were young and went on to have DS and I assumed we'd both grow up. I never mind if he goes for a drink at all, I thought he'd grow out of having a problem with it too. He says he doesn't mind but his attitude never says so.

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UndeterminedUsername · 01/01/2019 23:14

On the other hand, how likely are you to get drunk and think 'fuck him' and be susceptible to flirting/leaving with another man? That would be his worries and if the shoe was on the other foot and it was him who wanted space I'd be saying if he asks for space 'to think' but goes for a night out then it's not thinking time...

UndeterminedUsername · 01/01/2019 23:15

If you had to leave your home whilst he had thinking time but he went on a night out, everyone would say LTB

SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2019 23:18

Where will DS be on the evening? Are you having him between you or is he with you but you need DP to have him Saturday? Might he refuse if he knew the truth? In which case I might fudge the answer but mention it on the a Sunday if he might otherwise find out

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 23:19

@SleepingStandingUp no he's always with me and going to my DM's on Saturday.

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SleepingStandingUp · 01/01/2019 23:20

Well then there's no need to mention it. If he asks you directly I'd just say you're seeing friends.

brizzledrizzle · 01/01/2019 23:20

I take it this is a male friend? TBH I think he'd be entitled to feel pissed off.

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 23:21

Good to hear others opinions. Such a menial problem but I'm just trying to avoid anymore drama or tension!

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Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 23:21

@brizzledrizzle nope - female friend. Hmm

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MrsTerryPratcett · 01/01/2019 23:25

He's controlling and never looks after his son?

Have fun on Saturday! Do some thinking.

essexmum2019 · 01/01/2019 23:25

Are you thinking straight about the issues or is this a 'gentle' way of breaking up? If it's the latter you should just be honest with him.

Nicelunch25 · 01/01/2019 23:26

This sounds a bit like you moderating your behaviour and worrying about drama and his reaction. I hope you are using the space to have an honest look to make sure he isn't being controlling. No judgement, just I know what it is to know me going on a night out will cause trouble but without anything being said straight to me. If you want to say what led to the break might get some more applicable opinions. Hope you are ok and manage to enjoy your rare evening out. The bins go out more often than I do. Grin

Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 23:28

@MrsTerryPratcett he takes care of his son a lot and is an excellent dad - I'm just not sending him to stay away from the family home while he's temporarily not living here? By always with me I meant always at home, just worded badly.

@essexmum2019 I'm not using it as a gentle way to break up, I'm using it as a way to think straight without our bickering and lack of space for each other.

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Original poster
bigaba · 01/01/2019 23:30

@Nicelunch25 haha, your last comment is definitely how I feel! Grin

The space has been caused by loads of different things I suppose. Just feels like a rough patch with no particular reason. Bit more bickering than usual, bit less communicating, just not bringing out amazing sides of each other or loving each other as much as we should.

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