Are these red flags?

[trudeie]

Have 1 DC with DP. Unmarried. He's got jealousy issues, he admits that. It gets a bit draining though. A few incidents keep coming back to me and I feel like I wanted other opinions to see if they're worse than I make out.

1. A couple of months ago we were on a busy main road walking with DC in his pushchair. He was slipping down and needed propped up so without thinking, I bent down and lifted him up. DP made a tutting noise and when I was like 'what? I was just propping him up' said 'sure you were'. He was annoyed because in his words a few hours later, he thought I was making an excuse to bend down on a busy road because I wanted people looking at me?

1. Very occasionally he's got in a crap mood when we are out in public because I've been looking one way and he's thought I've been staring at other males. Sometimes I find myself recently been conscious of where I'm looking out in public incase he gets the wrong idea.

1. He will get in a bit of a huff if I wear a baggy top that you can see down if I lean over (in Summer) or if I don't wear a bra or wear a very thin one when going on a trip out (to the shop etc).

1. He says he'd leave me if I wore anything revealing on a night out (which I don't as I'm quite insecure with my body). When I point out that girls are able to wear stuff on a night out however revealing to feel happy about themselves, he insists that girls only wear anything like that to get people looking at them and for male attention really.

I stick up for myself if he ever makes a comment and he does apologise but it doesn't seem to change his mindset. He makes comments about how women were classier in the 20's, 30's etc and how this generation is gross compared to then and stuff. He's 22.

I just want to point out, because I don’t want you to feel like you have to give him more chances if you already feel worried about his behaviour, that anyone can SAY on here they are a counsellor. Some people don’t or can’t change.

This always gets worse. My ex used to be like this. I've now been in a refuge for the last month because it got worse and worse until he tried to strangle me!!

They are massive red flags 🚩 and you don't need a relationship like that

It's like water dripping on stone, wearing you down.
Have you ever thought you'd better not wear something /do something because it'll cause a problem with him?
It wouldn't matter if you dressed like a nun and kept your eyes on the ground there will always be something. A friend he doesn't want you to see as they are unsuitable or a bad influence. A work colleague or neighbour you're too friendly with.
It will wear you down and chip away your confidence. And (according to him) it will be your fault for making him act that way.
Run. Fast.

Run run run 🏃‍♀️

Next time he makes one of those comments congratulate him on becoming his father.

Jesus. This is not a nice man. You need to get the fuck away from him.

OP, one of my four abusive relationships was very like you've described. I was expected to dress modestly, not have male friends, not talk to men/gay women/perverts/recreational drug users/ basically anyone from my friend groups. By perverts, he meant my friends who like the fetish scene or who are cross dressers or trans.

Thanks to the shit I had with the long term one before him, I managed to leave Six months into the relationship. It was hard, I truly believe I loved him because I'm so many ways he built me right up. It was all part of the control.

Please start sitting back and thinking about this properly: what would you do if a friend said this to you?

Please start making plans to leave.

He's actually completely paranoid. Does he smoke cannabis? Hope you're planning to leave.

He is very immature and probably needs some counselling to deal with his upbringing. You don't have to put up with that kind of behaviour, take the advice about the freedom program and remember that you are responsible for bringing up a DS and you don't want him to grow up thinking that is how to treat a woman

Our relationship is otherwise good and our family unit is good apart from these misogynistic comments

Stop fooling yourself, your relationship isn't good, it's emotionally abusive and will only get worse.

If you truly understood what sexism and misogyny is then you wouldn't be claiming he's otherwise 'wonderful' and that you have a good relationship.
It's all an illusion.

I know you want to believe it's jealousy because that implies love and that he cares.

It's not, it's control,manipulation and ownership.
His insecurities are his, you can't fix him or them. This is not a Disney movie where you just have to "love him enough" and then there will be a happily ever after.

It will get worse and you do deserve better.

Those are HUGE red flags. Get out before you're even morr involved than you are now.

Absolutely huge red flags. 🚩

I bet there are also loads of smaller red flags fluttering away that you can't see because you haven't opened your eyes properly yet. Perhaps mumsnet can help you see them.

What happens if you disagree with something he wants to do or with what what he thinks? Do you often slightly adjust your behaviour because you know he won't like something.

Apart from being a twat, he is far too young to be a father and it shows. Rational brain capacity in males doesn't mature until about 25.

Blimey, he's something of an anachronism! Definite red flags. SIlly man.

Sounds like it can and will only get worse

You don’t need a child and a man child it’s too hard a work

Red flags. Yes, he sounds so imature... and a control frek

As you have a child, ask him if he's willing to try counselling. If not then there's no hope to save this relationship. He will eventually find someone to accuse you of, no matter what you do or wear or which direction your eyes are pointing. I'm very OP but this is not a healthy dynamic.

Hi OP. When you describe your relationship as good, are these times when you are home together? So when you are isolated from others he is ok? If so, could you see that you may stop going out and may become totally isolated to stop the misogynistic comments?

Where will it end?

Asking if these are red flags is the equivalent of Well Mrs Lincoln besides that how did you enjoy the play?" Your man needs intense psychotherapy and behavior modification but only if HE wants to change and by that time your child will be an adult

I honestly couldn’t be doing with this. Life is too short.

This is horrendous at any age but I dont mind admitting I'm shocked that he's like it at 22. What sort of role model will he be for your son?