Are these red flags?

[trudeie]

Have 1 DC with DP. Unmarried. He's got jealousy issues, he admits that. It gets a bit draining though. A few incidents keep coming back to me and I feel like I wanted other opinions to see if they're worse than I make out.

1. A couple of months ago we were on a busy main road walking with DC in his pushchair. He was slipping down and needed propped up so without thinking, I bent down and lifted him up. DP made a tutting noise and when I was like 'what? I was just propping him up' said 'sure you were'. He was annoyed because in his words a few hours later, he thought I was making an excuse to bend down on a busy road because I wanted people looking at me?

1. Very occasionally he's got in a crap mood when we are out in public because I've been looking one way and he's thought I've been staring at other males. Sometimes I find myself recently been conscious of where I'm looking out in public incase he gets the wrong idea.

1. He will get in a bit of a huff if I wear a baggy top that you can see down if I lean over (in Summer) or if I don't wear a bra or wear a very thin one when going on a trip out (to the shop etc).

1. He says he'd leave me if I wore anything revealing on a night out (which I don't as I'm quite insecure with my body). When I point out that girls are able to wear stuff on a night out however revealing to feel happy about themselves, he insists that girls only wear anything like that to get people looking at them and for male attention really.

I stick up for myself if he ever makes a comment and he does apologise but it doesn't seem to change his mindset. He makes comments about how women were classier in the 20's, 30's etc and how this generation is gross compared to then and stuff. He's 22.

@trudeie it’s all not ok is it! I wonder what his childhood was like / his relationship with his mum......

I think you need to make it clear that the way he communicates with you / speaks to you and some of his views are abusive and are ruining your otherwise great relationship. He needs to get help / change if he wants to keep you because you’re too precious for this. It’s not an enjoyable experience, bet you feel on edge sometimes that you’ve done the wrong thing / you’re wearing the wrong thing, it’s no way to live. Good luck with it all x

@TeddybearBaby he interestingly has no contact with his father and sees him as a terrible human/dad - but he grew up seeing his dad get drunk and aggressive with his mum and put her down a lot. He's told me stories of his dad screaming at his mum and calling her a 'whore' and him having to step in. That's one of a handful that I know of.

Ah so men can do no wrong in the relationships and it’s all the women’s fault for flaunting and tempting them?

He needs a severe attitude adjustment

Run, run so fast. I had a bf who was like this. Culminated in him slapping and choking me. Go now and never look back, you'll never regret it.

OP you said I'm quite insecure myself

This is something he WILL exploit.

Work on your self esteem (preferably by leaving him ASAP) and you'll see him for what he really is. A nasty individual.

You're reasoning his behaviour and making excuses for it. It seems like you're looking for us to reassure you it's ok.

It's not ok.

He's making a choice. We are answering your question. These are huge red flags. It will get worse.

His paranoia won't ease, it'll worsen.

I guess it's honest of a man to sometimes say 'you look beautiful and I sometimes worry that other men will chase you', but he can't stop you being beautiful and he can't let that become an obsession with every move you make being 'something'.

You will never be able to go out without his paranoia working overtime. It wouldn't matter what you wear, who you meet, where you're going.

Since I'm a bloke, I'm not going to say 'LTB' just like that. I'd say he needs to get a grip of reality and do it soon. Not just for your sake, but for his - because he will have the same problem with any woman.

At 22, he might be a late starter, but he's a father now, he needs to become a man. I think it's possible he might change, but there's no much time left on the clock.

Get him to fuck op. You deserve better.

OP, the red flags are waving in the breeze and it really worries me that you are only responding to the poster who is making excuses for him.

Tell him to have some therapy. Sounds like he has a lot going on. I never write anyone off, I believe everyone is capable of change if they want to. I absolutely think you and your child need to come first though. It’s not your job to fix him x

His behaviour is controlling- you’re adjusting how you are and act becuase of him. These are huge red flags. He either realises and admits his issues and seeks help to deal with it or you need to think about staying with him. He will get worse. Do you have a charity near you that helps women who are dealing with domestic abuse? They’d be great to talk to, they can advise you, listen to you , give you a sense of perspective. Explain what controlling behaviour is and why it’s so insidious. You have my first ever LTB... my DW would be packing her bloody bags if she tried to tell me what I could and couldn’t wear on a night out.

Fuck yes. Massive, humongous red flags you could see from space. The bending down one is just farcical. Seriously OP he sorts himself out (with some counselling) and both recognises the utter stupidity of his behaviour and changes or you walk before your child pick up his unnaceptable behaviour. You are worth more than this, nobody should ever accept being told that shit.

You obviously know that these are big red flags.

@Athena51 I wouldn't call that a worry - it's just that poster has asked questions/wondered on more info while the others have been statements. I've taken every single one in the same.

It's not about insecurity or jealousy, it's about controlling your behaviour. He wants to feel powerful.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He won't change.

Get the fuck away from this twunt now

Oh, and this kind of behaviour is not present in normal, healthy relationships. Even those where either partner feels jealous from time to time.

It's not jealousy. And it's not love. You don't try to control people you love.

It just gets dressed up as jealousy as a way to normalise it to you. It's not normal or acceptable. It doesn't matter if he's capable of being nice in between.

Tbh some of the things your DP says to you reminds me of late abusive F, who used to say that a woman's adultery was worse than a man's adultery (he could never say why) and was constantly accusing my DM of cheating on him. He used to have a go at DSis and me as little girls if we exposed too much flesh, for example at the swimming pool when I was 6 years old.

My DM just kept on putting up with it, minimising it, the consequence being that she suffered years of EA and DSis and I went through years of childhood SA, and we're still dealing with the damage that caused us 20 years after his death.

I'm obviously not suggesting your DP might be as bad as that. But it's abuse and it can escalate. And a damaged childhood is not an excuse, as there are many of us who were abused as children who don't go on to become abusers as adults.

You need to get yourself and your DS out of there.

It’s the first day of a new year. Nows the time to make changes

Just finished reading "The missing wife" you are in the same boat as the character. Creepy and it will get worse.

I’m a counsellor op that’s why I view things differently. I don’t make assumptions or decide what will or will not happen. We all write our own stories and whilst your bfs behaviour is unacceptable now no one knows what will happen / what he’s thinking / why he acts the way he does etc etc. They can tell you their experiences / what they think but no ones story is ever the same so it wont make any difference.

You need to be safe and that is the number one priority. Someone has suggested that I’m making excuses for your bf, I don’t believe I’ve done that 🤷🏻‍♀️ But just to be clear his behaviour is not ok. Good luck x

Huge giant great big red flags flapping in your face x x x x 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

Really worrying behaviour. I wouldn’t have confidence in his capacity to change.

"Our relationship is otherwise good"

I literally cannot imagine how. Classic.

If you've not got the self-esteem to know you deserve better, put your child first and leave for them.

Ask yourself if you want your DS to grow up with this awful attitude. He's not exactly role model material.