To think that some people are too blasé about pushing for single motherhood/child planning.

[strivingtosucceed]

I would say this is two topics in one, but they are closely related. My main bugbears:

1. When someone posts issues about their DP, MNers are quick to say 'leave them' or 'dump them, they don't deserve you' for what I would call minor issues. They then push the single motherhood agenda, not minding whether the mother can realistically support their children and how likely it is that their children's father will pay maintenance. Judging by the threads i've read here, i'd say it's highly unlikely they will get what is 'owed' to them by the father, at least without a decent struggle. That's not even going into how the children's lives will change and all the logistics involved with living in two houses.
2. People don't plan enough for children and then end up on here crying about how they can't afford to pay rent and bills for their 4+ family. This is obviously compounded by single motherhood if that is the case. A child costs approximately £75k to raise from birth to 18. Why have a child if you don't forsee having £4k per year in disposable income, not including any child benefit you receive. I've also seen posters say 'just have them, you'll find the money somehow' which I find quite irresponsible.

Rant over, i'd just like to know if it is just me that feels this way.

I don't really understand why you feel like this, no.

I think you are being a little naive if you imagine anyone has ever left their partner, in a secure and basically good relationship, simply because someone on the net posted LTB. I do believe that women in bad and damaging relationships sometimes get up the strength to leave by repeatedly asking others what they think. You only see a snapshot in any post, and even when someone posts for months and years and eventually leaves, what you're getting is a tiny amount of their life. I really doubt anyone is making big life decisions based on one response!

As to the second point - well, what's the actual situation? Sure, some people are annoyingly crap at planning their lives. And I'd be willing to bet that crapness isn't limited to how they think about children. It'll be general. I know lots of people, from all walks of life, who are utterly unable to take responsibility and always imagine they'll be bailed out. It's a shame, but it's not specific to parenting.

Otherwise, what you see a lot is people who have seen a dramatic change of circumstances, and I can't help wondering if you're including them in your post. You see people who had four children while they had a good job, their husband had a good job, and now they're divorced because he ran off/single because he died/a carer because he is very sick, and it doesn't feel anything like as stable. You cannot blame people for that. No one knows how life will turn out.

Yanbu.

1. Single parenthood is not easy, but it is often the far better option. I love my single parent life.

1. It is frankly none of your business how many children someone else has, and how they support said children. Children can be as cheap or as expensive as funds allow. Thankfully our (albeit not great) benefits system is there for those unable to support themselves.

I planned for the perfect future but unfortunately my dh died and it’s left me a single mother. This is definitely not the life I planned for myself or dc

YANBU - while anything can happen in life which means your plans have to change it is amazing how many people just don’t think enough or plan ahead even for their current circumstance. I’m starting to think those that plan the most probably don’t have children.

@lifeofsmiley

Thankfully our (albeit not great) benefits system is there for those unable to support themselves.

100% agree with this.
What are your thoughts on families who continue to have children while unable to support themselves

SarahAndQuack

I'm not saying people are leaving their partner's because of MN, i'm just surprised at how that seems to be the first thing that's suggested in many resolvable cases. I do however support people getting out of abusive relationships or otherwise damaging relationships as soon as possible.

BanginChoons
Ironically, it's because it makes me sad to see how many families with children are homeless, struggling and living in poverty because of non-existent family planning. I donate as much as I can to relevant charities, but I feel all I can do is a drop in the ocean of need.

1. Because the alternative is what exactly? Encourage them to stay in an abusive relationship? What would you do?

1. Life doesn’t always work out. You can plan, have the income, and then find yourself alone.

What we need to do is support each other. Those who are out the other side share our experience in a bid to reassure.

Lol how goady are you

You can’t means test parenthood don’t be ridiculous

And saying that people should stay in abusive or unhappy relationships because of the dc is also ridiculous

Also - what is this ‘single parent agenda’? I haven’t received my copy. I didn’t even know there was a meeting.

1. It does children no benefit at all to grow up in the middle of a shitty relationship where their parents are miserable. My parents had such a relationship and stayed together for the kids, for anyone who thinks that sort of situation doesn't affect the children - it does. Children aren't stupid. Happiest day of my life was when they finally split up because it felt like a weight had been lifted and there was no longer a horrid atmosphere in the house.

1. It's an expensive or as cheap as you make it. £65k includes childcare costs, not everyone has these. Includes classes such as swimming or football, not all children do these. Clothes can be bought second hand or handed down between siblings/cousins/friends or bought cheap enough from places like H&M or in the sales. There's an old saying along the lines of "you cut your cloth to fit". So long as the children are appropriately fed, clothed, and looked after it doesn't matter in the long run whether they're wearing Boden or Primark, eating food from Waitrose or Iceland, or wearing shoes from Clarks or Dietchman.

It really fucks me off that in this day and age single parenting is still looked at like a lower social class. Not bringing your children up around abuse and unhappiness does not equal a life of poverty and loneliness

YANBU. It's a pisstake how many people say LTB on here. Like it's THAT easy to just leave, and be a single mother. And FFS, where are you supposed to go?!

OR do they suggest the OP 'throws her man out?' Coz most men will say 'fuck off it's my house and I'm staying.' And in most cases, they'd be right.

“because it makes me sad to see how many families with children are homeless, struggling and living in poverty because of non-existent family planning.”

People are homeless, struggling and living in poverty largely because of politically motivated austerity, which has widened the gap between rich and poor, and which has been allowed to happen because of attitudes like this demonising poor people as stupid and feckless. So charity really does begin at home: look in the mirror and have a word with yourself

I agree with you OP.

I would love 4 kids but we can only afford 1. Shame others are too selfish

Lifeofsmiley

I think yabu. Like a pp said no one is going to become a single parent because someone on mn told them to ltb. For someone like me who is in an unhappy, but not terrible, relationship it helps to get some different perspectives.

As for not being financially stable enough for children- what does that even mean? We definitely didn’t have 4K spare a year but we are ok? We have a roof over our heads, clothes in the closets and food on the table. Most people (obviously not all) have an innate longing to have a child, are we saying that being able to fulfill that is only for the well off?

Just to clear up some things.

I do support leaving damaging relationships, in my OP I specified minor, resolvable issues.

I have nothing against single mothers, I just think that best case scenario children have both parents if possible. Obviously that's not always the case as lifeofsmiley has kindly shared.

@ MadameButterface
I'm not demonising poor people in the slightest, I specified a lack of family planning that I have seen in these very threads as the main cause of their money issues. I also do not buy that it's austerity that is the cause of the issues facing the groups of people I am talking about. Just so you know, I have been homeless myself at some point, caused by my mother deciding to have yet another child whilst being a single mother, and I was appalled at how the consequences of her actions affected me, so I know what I'm talking about.

With respect op i feel like you might be projecting your own stuff here a bit.

I mean, ok, do threads exist where individuals have rushed into having dc in new/unstable relationships? Yes of course they do. Are some individuals a bit daft? Obviously. Does that make it a general phenomenon? No it doesn’t.

If you see irresponsible advice or behaviour from people, take it up with the individuals concerned; starting a general thread extrapolating about a non existent ‘single parent agenda’ just sounds bonkers, will make people feel got at, and won’t result in anything but a bunfight.

It really fucks me off that in this day and age single parenting is still looked at like a lower social class. Not bringing your children up around abuse and unhappiness does not equal a life of poverty and loneliness

I completely agree. Becoming a single parent 5 years ago was the beginning of a wonderful new life for me and my children. I left with nothing but the clothes we were wearing and their favourite cuddly toys, a week before Christmas. I sat with my very young children, in our cold shared room in refuge, and realised I had everything I could ever need right there with me. It was a beginning not an ending.

There is so much more to life than how much money you have.

To the op

I wonder why people have kids with the men they come on here moaning about, or, go on to have more kids with a lazy arse.

Choose better in the first place.

Pmsl. It really grates when people phrase their goads like this... "Am I the only one who..." before asking something quite common sense.

Yes love. You are the only one who thinks someone would be dim to leave their partner on the say so of a random on the internet.

Yes love. You are the only one who thinks about and plans for whether they can afford their children.

Ummm sometimes men do change when you have kids with them. I was with my dds dad for 5 years before we had (much wanted) dd. He was a loving, supportive boyfriend. We had a great relationship but having dd was like throwing a grenade into our relationship and he really couldn’t cope with the responsibility of it all. I left him when she was 6 months old. I don’t regret that at all- she is now 16. Everyone, everyone was shocked at the way he behaved. No one could have predicted it. Mumsnet seems to think everyone has some kind of crystal ball!

Can’t help but feel this thread is blaming single mums for not staying in relationships, not planning, not choosing better in the first place 🙄

Usual bollocks.