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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that some people are too blasé about pushing for single motherhood/child planning.

36 replies

strivingtosucceed · 01/01/2019 19:51

I would say this is two topics in one, but they are closely related. My main bugbears:

  1. When someone posts issues about their DP, MNers are quick to say 'leave them' or 'dump them, they don't deserve you' for what I would call minor issues. They then push the single motherhood agenda, not minding whether the mother can realistically support their children and how likely it is that their children's father will pay maintenance. Judging by the threads i've read here, i'd say it's highly unlikely they will get what is 'owed' to them by the father, at least without a decent struggle. That's not even going into how the children's lives will change and all the logistics involved with living in two houses.
  2. People don't plan enough for children and then end up on here crying about how they can't afford to pay rent and bills for their 4+ family. This is obviously compounded by single motherhood if that is the case. A child costs approximately £75k to raise from birth to 18. Why have a child if you don't forsee having £4k per year in disposable income, not including any child benefit you receive. I've also seen posters say 'just have them, you'll find the money somehow' which I find quite irresponsible.

Rant over, i'd just like to know if it is just me that feels this way.

OP posts:
knittedjest · 01/01/2019 21:09

Misery loves company is a very true statement on mn.

Lifeofsmiley · 01/01/2019 21:18

Thanks sarah and never

JustABetterPlayer · 01/01/2019 21:23

Knittedjest how very true Wine

SarahAndQuack · 01/01/2019 21:57

I do support leaving damaging relationships, in my OP I specified minor, resolvable issues.

And who are you to decide what is and isn't resolvable?

My mother stayed with my father and had three children on the grounds that their issues were minor and resolvable. I spent my childhood seeing my parents physically beat each other up and scream and swear at each other. My mum often said she might leave. She never did. To outsiders, their issues seemed minor, too. Meanwhile, I clocked up a disconcerting number of broken bones as their anger was taken out on me and my brothers.

My mother has been the first to tell me that you must stay together with your partner, if you have children. My mother has seen my partner throw me onto the floor. She's seen my partner hit me. She's seen my partner physically wrestle car and house keys away from me, to stop me getting away. She has seen my partner abuse me emotionally.

She is so brainwashed into this idea that you accept 'minor' things, that she believes these are 'minor' issues. And to most people on the outside, both she and I had relationships that have only minor, 'resolvable' issues. All sorts of people are quick to tell me, as they told her, that it is silly to wreck a family for these issues.

I stand by the point that, if someone leaves, it is almost never for minor, resolvable issues. As an outsider, you never know what is going on. A minor issue might be indicative of much, much worse. You cannot judge.

EwItsAHooman · 01/01/2019 22:04

Choose better in the first place.

Yes, let's blame women for the faults of the men who treat them badly or walk out on them.

People change, circumstances change, and how many people end relationships because "he/she isn't the same person I married XX years ago"?

Reflexella · 01/01/2019 22:37

What are your concerns about single parents?

Your post seems very financially driven.

FYI not all single parents are on benefits & on the bread line.

I have a professional career, mortgage & separate business. Am I allowed to be a single mother according to you?

Also those stats that get bandied about it costs 75 - 125k whatever to raise a child are produced by average new cost of whatever.

I’ve managed on hand downs, Jumble Sales, Charity shops, budget recipes etc. My expenses have been/will be nowhere near this.

Abuse is pretty sinister, toxic relationships are lonely and awful to live in. Are you in the ‘relationships are harder, you must try harder to make them work’ camp?

ReaganSomerset · 01/01/2019 22:54

@Lifeofsmiley I am so sorry for your loss. Flowers

PortiaCastis · 01/01/2019 23:05

Oh just stop bloody preaching, lots of us are single Mother's because we were sick of being beaten, my marriage was perfectly happy until the dv started I'm not psychic so yep I married the bastard and ended up with a broken arm then in a refuge
Anyway contraception failures happen !!

Reflexella · 02/01/2019 00:04

Gosh I really hate the smug ‘you should have chosen better’ too.

PortiaCastis · 02/01/2019 09:54

Agree I don't like the should have chosen better line, very easy to say when you don't know what's around the corner isn't it

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/01/2019 10:41

^ true. But it's common on here for someone to post something like "I'm having a really hard time with 3 babies and my useless man child DP, he's been crap since the first one was born [yet I chose to have 2 more knowing this] and I can't take it anymore".

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