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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get a bit tetchy when people ask when we'll try for our 2nd?

55 replies

MaeBug · 01/01/2019 19:14

Our DD is 9 months old and already LOTS of people (friends, relatives, colleagues, the bloody neighbours!!) have taken it upon themselves to enquire when we'll be 'giving DD a little brother or sister'.
It's pissing me off and i feel like telling them bluntly that the contents of my uterus is non of their business, but i just shrug and mumble 'oooo, not sure' 'haha, one day' instead.
We're not even sure if we will have any more biological children, but have discussed the possibility of adopting or fostering in the future.
I don't know if i'm being over sensitive as i miscarried an unplanned 2nd baby 2 months ago, which was sad, but not as heart breaking as it could have been as DD is such a joy bringer and 2nd baby was a complete shock and totally, totally unplanned (I didn't know i was pregnant until i started to miscarry).
Is it U for these people to be asking? Or am i being overly sensitive?

OP posts:
AlwaysInMotion · 02/01/2019 08:43

The very first thing that MIL said to me when seeing me for the first time after the birth of my son was not "Hello" or "Congratulations" or even a "Alright?"

It was "So when are you giving me a granddaughter then?"

She already had two grandsons in addition to my DS. When I found out my second was going to be a girl a very, very, small part of me was pissed off that it meant I was fulfilling her demand.

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/01/2019 08:48

It's rude! I used to get it a lot when DS was younger. The birth had been very traumatic and not without complications and for that reason, I genuinely cannot face another pregnancy/birth.

Eventually, I started answering with 'I'm not able to have any more' which is true - the fact that the reasons are mostly psychological rather than physical doesn't make them any less valid. It stopped people in their tracks and tbh I stopped caring whether they felt awkward/embarrassed - they shouldn't have bloody well asked in the first place!

DS has recently turned 5 and thankfully, for the most part, people have stopped asking.

PinkSquidgyPig · 02/01/2019 10:19

PetraRabbit
I was 43 when I had my (first and only) baby. Unlike you people seemed to think I'd have more. By the time she was a toddler I was being asked if we were going to have baby number two.
For medical and practical reasons that was not going to happen.
Which was my response to most people.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/01/2019 10:23

A good friend of mine suffered truly horrific birth injuries with her DS that have left her doubly incontinent and in a lot of pain. They attempted to repair her injuries surgically but something went wrong during the procedure and actually ended up making it worse. Obviously this is something she doesn't discuss with most people, so very few people know the extent of what she has been through. She gets very upset when people ask her about trying for a second as the truth is that she and her DH have not been able to have sex since her DS was born 4 years ago and she doesn't know if they ever will again.

People really should mind their own business.

PinkSquidgyPig · 02/01/2019 10:24

Maebug: I think it's natural, and often meant in a kind or loving way, for people to ask. But it should be done sensitively,
I notice some people are a little aggressive in their enthusiasm!! That is absolutely not acceptable!
As PPs have said, you don't know what is going on in people's lives ...

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 02/01/2019 10:25

My dh does this all the time to people. I have told him on more those occasion that he shouldn’t because it is a) none of his business and b) he can have no idea of what emotions a question like that could bring up. But he did it again on Saturday

You should show him this thread.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/01/2019 10:28

When questioned when my DD was younger I just always said 'Not a fucking chance - no way am I going through that again. One is plenty for me thanks'
I didn't get asked that much - with all my siblings we all only had one - so there wasn't really an expectation to have more.

SharedLife · 02/01/2019 10:31

Of course it's rude! I'm currently 25 weeks into my 3rd pregnancy (not including multiple chemicals). DS is 11 and we lost our 2nd baby to a ntd. So my answers to that question over the last 11 years could have been, "I have been diagnosed with PCOS so I'm not sure we can have any more and I'm actually heartbroken", "even though I have PCOS we got pregnant but it ended in a chemical pregnancy" x3, "I was pregnant but we had to have a termination as baby had a fatal condition, our chances of this happening again are now higher and I'm trying to balance my extreme longing for another baby with my extreme trauma and fear we will lose them again." All of those responses are so personal and private, if I actually did reply they would probably be offended I'd made them uncomfortable.
We have no idea what other people have been through, its such a probing question. I just take heart that the people asking must not have suffered infertility/loss/birth trauma so are in a privileged little bubble- and I'm genuinely pleased for them if that's the case. A lot of people aren't so lucky.

Kemer2018 · 02/01/2019 10:32

Yanbu. Fil was the worst for this as he'd say "you don't want them to be a lonely only".
He was an only himself.
My only is 12 now and I'm 45 so he's stopped now.

Greyeye · 02/01/2019 10:36

After four miscarriages and lots of medical treatment, my da was a miracle.

A silly woman told me that he would be "bored, selfish and lonely" if I didn't have another child. Worst thing is, she knew about my losses.

I told her that it was unlikely I would have another.

She also said that investing in a "reborn" baby doll might help me "feel better".

All this after she had smugly told me her daughter was expecting her second child.

Very rude and insensitive.

Greyeye · 02/01/2019 10:38

*ds

MrsBlondie · 02/01/2019 10:38

Your child is only 9 months old and people are asking this? Your child is still a baby!

I got sick to death of it. We have a 6.5 year age gap and when I told people I was pregnant noone could believe it was planned!

Supertiredmummy · 02/01/2019 10:40

Ah I get this often , even with people who know how tired I am and everything!
I just laugh at them and say "you're kidding right? " I'm only just feeling remotely normal again so yes, I'm going to rush a big decision like that and deal with morning sickness etc. Again when my baby isn't even 1. And laugh so more

raviolidreaming · 02/01/2019 10:44

I've had people refer to my DS as 'good for a first attempt' Hmm 🙄

Essexgirlupnorth · 02/01/2019 10:49

Luckily no one asked me though my MIL did drop hints about wanting another grandchild and we are the only couple currently in a position to have a child.
Have PCOS to struggled to get pregnant the first time then my mum's cancer came back before my daughter turned two and she died 8 months later. I couldn't get out of bed some days after she died so having another was not on my radar then told me two years to get pregnant once we started trying.
Now 12 weeks with number two and a 5 year age gap which is bugger than we wanted but is what it is.
I just don't ask as have several friends that have struggled with infertility.

TheRhythmlessMan · 02/01/2019 11:01

@altiara excellent suggestions! Grin

@AlwaysInMotion Shock

Laserbird16 · 02/01/2019 11:02

YANBU. It is such an intrusive question. Loads of people ask this as a sort of conversation starter but as PP have said the whole history behind the answer can be way too much to share.

I ask if the person would like another child but only if we're well acquainted and the conversation is heading there. I hope that is less confronting.

I'm pregnant now with number 2 - but I did miscarry between DD1 and this preganancy - so that's a whole new kettle of awkward intrusive questions. When this came up I would try and brush it off with 'it really depends on DD, her future sibling is dependent on how we go with her.'

The shitty thing is when some one won't take the hint that this is not a topic you wish to discuss - my boss was like a dog with a bone. i wish I had the backbone to just give her a stern 'fuck off'!

elfyears · 02/01/2019 11:04

I have 1 year old twin boys.
The constant questioning drives me mad.... when are you having another? What if you had twins again? You're surely going to try for a girl aren't you?

My mum is the worst one for it!! I've started asking her why she doesn't like her grandsons so much that she is after another one so soon.

TheRhythmlessMan · 02/01/2019 11:07

How on earth does one "try for a girl/boy"?????

Confusedbeetle · 02/01/2019 11:14

It isn't meant to be rude, just small talk. It may be thoughtless but is never meant in an unkind way. Please don't respond rudely. just smile and give e gentle shut down. Of course, no one knows what's going on in someone else's life, not just babies but relationships, finances, work stresses. When you feel vulnerable you will take offence.

Snuffalo · 02/01/2019 11:16

“Actually we might just go for a fuck right now, can we use your downstairs loo?”

Botanica · 02/01/2019 11:26

You said it perfectly yourself in your first post.

If you've got the courage I'd reply with just that: " the contents of my uterus is none of your business".

I don't think they'll ask again. Job done.

PinkAvocado · 02/01/2019 11:32

It’s difficult because I just don’t feel like I could be rude back (which annoys me because I should be able to) but also I think people don’t realise he weight of what they’re saying sometimes so need to be told.

When we were asked when we would start trying by a friend, I did ask her how did she know we weren’t and that her question could be upsetting if that was the case.

Someone once told me it’d be cruel to not give my ds a sibling, knowing I’d miscarried his twin.

Botanica · 02/01/2019 11:37

I honestly think most people do not realise how insensitive and tactless they are being. But I also think they need telling straight, rather than skirting round the issue.

I've been through all sorts of heartache ttc#1 including many rounds of ivf, a 12w miscarriage, surgeries etc and now am most likely too old for it to ever happen for me.

If someone says something that upsets me I put them straight now and tell them. It's better for me, and my ongoing relationship with them, that they don't bring it up.
Even if it's as simple as 'I know you probably didn't mean it to be, but that's actually very hurtful to me. I don't want to talk about it again."

CecilyNeville · 02/01/2019 11:43

When I sent out an email to friends announcing DS' birth, one of the replies was, "great news! Are you going to try for another?" I hadn't even had a post-birth sleep!