Pay difference in relationships

[qas34]

Without going into to much detail - I was wondering what peoples views were on noticeably different levels of pay in a relationship. Along with if your opinion would change based on gender of the difference e.g a woman earning significantly more for the entirety of career length in addition too how this may affect raising children etc.

I don't want to say why I've asked until I have a few responses - thank you.

Not sure what kind of opinions you want. The amount someone earns shouldn't matter, male or female, as long as both pull their weight in all aspects.

It shouldn’t matter. I find on here, however, that what’s his is hers and what’s hers remains hers. A stay at home mum is viewed as contributing. A stay at home dad is viewed with scepticism at best and as a cock lodger at worst.

Higher earning women who’s partner’s stay at home or go part time to take into account childcare needs need to be aware that should the relationship breakdown, the courts favour a status quo situation.

If it's an enduring relationship and you live together etc (and especially if there are kids), personally for me I'd expect all money to be pooled.

I say that having generally been the one who earned significantly less, although for a time I earned more as OH started a business after redundancy.

I just don't understand why, if you earned more, you'd want to hold onto it and see the person you love less comfortable / with less disposable income etc? What are you going to do? Go out for dinner / for holidays etc alone because your OH can't afford it? Or if your intention is to shout things like dinner / holidays, I'd query why you're so keen to maintain that dynamic of you holding the purse strings.

I wouldn't be comfortable with it any other way, but I know other people differ. I've friends who I hear reminding their OH that they're owed a fiver and I'm just silently like WTF?!

It shouldn't matter. If it matters, I might say there was a problem in the relationship. In a long-term relationship/marriage I'd say finances should be pooled, so everything comes out of the joint pool.

I earn double the salary of my DH. We've worked out a fair system in sharing expenses based on that. He had a lot of savings when we met so has more equity in our house than me.

Only times I find it challenging are feeling the pressure of being the main earner. If I changed or lost my job we'd have to make significant changes fairly quickly.

On a gender specific note, my MIL struggles to grasp a man not being the main provider for the family. She makes the odd comment but we just largely give her a vague smile and move the conversation on.

Not enough details to form an opinion. For me it matters if both partners pull their weight and contribute.

In the forty+ years DH and i’ve been together, there have been times when he was the highest earner and times when I have been. In all that time whatever money we’ve had has been ‘ours’.

Neither of us are high earners but I earn 'average' salary whereas dh is a low earner .

This IME has caused us issues especially as I don't feel that he pulls his weight in other respects either .

As a woman who earns more than my dh it's bred contempt for him as I also feel he doesn't want to do anything to improve himself either .

We pay half approximately of household bills etc but have separate accounts.

For me it would be more about down time being similar. Other than that it's family money?

The reason I didn't originally include all the detail is because I was curious of the general view of other people without the context/story behind me asking.

Basically I'm an accountant and earn £70k base a year, and also get paid bonuses and overtime. My partner was an engineer and on a comparable salary but has grown to hate it - he wants to re-qualify as a primary teacher and has been working as a teaching assistant since September to see if he likes it etc.

His big worry is finance differences and the change in the joint income - I don't mind about it however have said in the long term it would probably be best if he was more responsible for childcare when we have our next child due to the effect on respective salaries of taking a year off.

I think he feels slightly emasculated by the concept and is concerned by the general view of others in terms of 'pulling his weight' in providing for the family.

Hope this is clear.

several ex boyfriends have had had major issue with my (higher) earnings despite protestations to the contrary and I don’t think this is unusual unfortunately...

I earn double what my DP does, but he still earns very well and We both live below our means, so we split stuff roughly in half (eg take turns) and it works fine for us.

I think the fact he is in a diff industry and his earning potential is yet to be realised (I am potentially topping out at mid-30s) perhaps makes it easier for him to “accept” / not care.

But it’s important to both of us to “pay our way” so there is a fair amount of parity and we both “treat” each other, some of mine are a bit fancier but I try to keep it in check.

OP, that just seems like common sense to me. Unless you desperately want to take a lot of leave from work to lead on childcare, financially what you're suggesting is logical.

It's great that you're willing to support your OH in pursuing this career despite the financial implications. He needs to get over any preconceived ideas about being emasculated by earning less - either that, or just not do it. He can't have his cake and eat it.

Qas34 he sounds really lovely, wanting to be a primary teacher, working as a ta at the moment. He would probably also be awesome as a sahd. Tell him it's super what he wants to do and that more dads do it than he may realise. My eldests dad was a sahd for a few years. And as for pooling finances or not, I want to work but am disabled, so in the mean time my partner earns well and we haven't long moved in permanently with each other but we haven't decided if we will open a joint account of not. If I need cash, he can transfer me some. He's the absolute opposite of my previous abusive exes and doesn't keep money from me. But I'm desperate to work and am hoping to at least create an account for all outgoings, which we can both pay into. But everyone is different and I think you just work out what works for your own unit.

Just saw the update...

I think as long as your budget is less than the new combined salary you should crack on...Once you are at the point of having kids the money is joint anyway and you sound really supportive of his plans which is great.

Loads of people have family money or passive income streams etc. so you can never tell what people’s situation is. He can’t have it all ways, if he wants to retrain then that comes with the associated pay and short term requirements for flex to facilitate the primary earner (you)

If he hates his job than the sacrifice is surely worth the drop in pay. In teaching he could potentiality rise through the ranks and be earning over 40 grand within 10 years. Or he could remain a classroom teacher and earn anywhere from low twenties up to high 30s.

He would definitely be able to provide childcare during the school holidays which saves you a ton in childcare anyway.
However, be aware of the immense workload term time, particularly in the early years. He will clock up nearly as many hours out of the classroom as he does in it due to the intense planning, marking and interventions.

I earn approx £60k more than DH, who is also looking for a career change, which I'm 100% supportive of. However our children are both now at uni, so no child care to do now.

It shouldn’t matter. I find on here, however, that what’s his is hers and what’s hers remains hers. A stay at home mum is viewed as contributing. A stay at home dad is viewed with scepticism at best and as a cock lodger at worst.

I don't that's only the case on here.

SAHDs are statistically more likely to be divorced and any dating website will demonstrate that there are plenty of young women who list their occupation as 'admin/secretarial' but insist on a man who is 'financially settled' or career driven.

To be honest, it adds a layer of complexity to a relationship.

If there is a vast gap you either have one person living a different lifestyle to the other or you pool resources and the higher earner can easily become resentful if the lower earner does not contribute more in differs ways. I am not saying that this should happen but it is human nature.

Also, if you end up marrying and divorcing, the higher earner subsidies the lower earner for life.

I don’t think the sexes matter in this day and age.

It is not an insurmountable obstacle but it is not nothing, either.

Earning more money does not equal working harder.

OP, Itbinl you need to be honest with yourself - if he is going to be the SAHP, would you resent that time he has with the DC? Of would you be relieved you weren’t having to use a third party for child care?

I think if you’re comfortable with the set-up, he will be too.

It is deeply ingrained in men to be the “main provider” though. Just watch for signs of depression maybe?

DH was a SAHD, I've always earned more. Was not an issue. If he expected me to be the main earner but still make all the sacrifices in my career to accommodate childcare needs, that would have been an issue.

We were in similar situation (less wages though). Dh became sahd with first child. As long as your both open and have an equal say on money it's no too bad. We had a joint bill account and a joint food/petrol account that I paid most money into from my wages and we each had a spending account that had same standing order going into each month. Plus savings in both our names with equal amounts.

Surely makes sense for dh to share your maternity with second child especially with school holidays

But I'd also say that just because someone is in a lower paid job the childcare responsibilities shouldn't just fall to them. They should be split equally

My DH earns 3.5x what I do. All bills, savings, holidays are paid and we each have equal personal spending money. For us it doesn't matter who earns what as we are equals and both pull our weight with the children and housework

DH earned significantly more than me. Think 10 times and some. DH also is a workaholic and was driven and very ambitious. Like you have suggested I always did more on the homefront. We were a team and our input to our team/family unit was equal and therefore fair. My efforts at home supported DH to work as he did and I was happy to.

Past tense because we are late 50s and DH now has a job as demanding but more prestigious and so only earns twice what I earn although my earnings have doubled in last yr or so.