Pay difference in relationships

[qas34]

Without going into to much detail - I was wondering what peoples views were on noticeably different levels of pay in a relationship. Along with if your opinion would change based on gender of the difference e.g a woman earning significantly more for the entirety of career length in addition too how this may affect raising children etc.

I don't want to say why I've asked until I have a few responses - thank you.

I feel pressure as the higher earner. I would like to change jobs but it would mean a pay cut (I would still be the higher earner) and I feel that I can’t.

Speaking honestly I don’t think I would choose to start a relationship with someone earning a vastly different salary to me, when DH & I met & married we were earning similar salaries. I did give up working to be a SAHM for several years (by mutual agreement) & then DH became self employed so our family income was vastly reduced but we have always had a joint bank account & all money is shared, finance is the one thing we never argue about! Now DH earns five times my (part time) salary but after 39 years of marriage it just isn’t an issue.

We had kids (two ages 6 and 8) when we were straight out of Uni - so lived a paycheque to paycheque existence especially when DC1 was born - but obviously both of our salaries increased quite quickly so we were living below our means before he went into to be a TA.

We've both said we want one (possible two) more kids but not for 3 or so years - from a mortgage stand point we don't have a desire to move and have a limited amount left on the mortgage which I think we should be able to pay off in the next 7 years.

I took a full year maternity with both DCs and honestly by the end of it I was itching to get back - given when we have DC3 there will be 5 people to support it just isn't viable (in my opinion) for me to stay at home for a year.

We've always paid equally into a joint account that pays for house, kids and family savings and kept 'fun money' back to ourselves. Since DP has started as a TA we've reduced the amount of family savings, mortgage overpayment and have worked it back to an even amount of 'fun money' each - to be honest we've already saved a lot in not having to pay for morning and afternoon childcare along with school holidays.

I think our shared concerned (admittedly from different perspectives) is that this may work really well at the moment but adding in a baby might not - at which point the decision to re qualify etc will of been taken.

Also I wasn't saying wage and housework/childcare were linked more like who takes parental leave.

I earn substantially more than my husband. I didn't when we were younger, but now I do. It makes no difference, we pay a percentage of our salaries into the joint account which leaves us both roughly with the same disposable income. I pay about 70 percent to his 30 and it covers all our joint expenses, it's direct debit so we don't discuss it.

He jokes I should earn more so he can retire and play golf. He earns a good salary, there is no shame there. He is proud of me. My salary is unusual really. It all goes to our secured future. Who earns what is pretty much irrelevant.

Your husband needs to get over himself. Life is long and in a marriage who is the higher earner should be irrelevant.

Sorry I've just seen the bit about maternity leave, I fail to see why either of you need to take a year off, I certainly didn't, I went back after four months, you just need to work it so you have enough of a financial cushion for one of you to take enough leave to be comfortable.

Two reasons for taking a year is the childcare cost, and feel its best for the baby to be 'at home' for the first year - obviously each to there own on this own.

I am in your position - DH retrained as a primary school teacher 10 yrs ago when kids were small. It worked out great in terms of childcare for school holidays. I earn 1/3 more than him (despite the fact he works SO hard - teachers are V unpaid, and should be paid more - esp if they want to encourage male teachers - he is very valued in his school for this reason). We pool our resources - sometimes I do feel the pressure as the higher earner (I am the only one of my friends in this position. On the other hand, most of them have compromised to allow their DH to prosper. I am proud I have a career and they're now worried they've lost their way). I do huff and puff sometimes but overall it's good. You encourage your DH. You earn an excellent salary so it is totally do-able.

What are your maternity pay arrangements? If you get an enhanced package, you could take off that period of time plus some annual leave and then your DH cover the rest of the year. If the timings work, you could either try & do it so you're both off over the summer holidays (and both paid) or you go back at the end of July, he has the summer off (but is paid as usual) and then takes the shared leave for the rest of the year.
I used to earn more than DH. MIL has taken a bit of training (she expected me to write Christmas cards to DH's aunts, godparents & some of her friends and chivy DH to write thank you cards etc) but that was the only negativity. DH now earns more than me but we're in the fortunate position that we could survive on just one salary and both enjoy feeling less pressured at work.

Depends when the baby would be born - as I obviously cannot predict (if only!) I think the plan would be to save to allow for a year and we could survive on my salary - obviously I wouldn't want to go back to work straight away but take some kind of shared leave like 3 months/9 months

Where my DP is a TA at the moment they want him to do his teaching qualification there as they have no other male members of teaching staff - it really is a shame!

I am on a min wage my partner a high earner. I do my job so it fits in with the school. Drop the kids off on the way to work collect on the way back. Fridays off. I enjoy what I do no stress. We have no arguments about earnings. He’s happy I’m working.

I earn almost twice DH's last salary so it was a fairly obvious choice for us that he'd be the primary childcare person and I'd be the full time earner. As DS has SEN this has translated into him being a SAHD which leaves me to do all the earning. As long as DH is supportive and doesn't whinge about the occasional late finish or evening when I'm bringing work home with me, and I don't mind using holiday to do school runs if he's ill or away, or doing my bit around the house when I am at home, it all works well.

Do check carefully what your respective parental leave allowances and payment options are before making any decisions immediately following the birth(s), and make sure your child benefit claim goes in in the name of the lower earner. That way if they have to stop working their state pension contributions will still be covered.

DH earns more than 3 times my salary. He also works 60-80 hrs a week, where as I work 28.

All our money is pooled into one spending account another for bills & we have joint savings.

As he works so much more than I do, I sort out all childcare, paying bills & most of the housework (although we do have a cleaner too).

I think in your position, it makes perfect sense for your husband to take on that role, as the lower earner. He can’t have it all ways & will just need to come to terms with the shift.

Yes think the plan would be for him to be responsible for childcare - I think he's worried about the general perception of others as we've had comments in the past about being a rich couple - and I think its a little bit of a pride thing.

My exP was in the police and earned about £20k less than me. This started to cause quite a bit of resentment - from him to me, I should add. It wasn’t the reason we split, but the undercurrents of resentment didn’t help. He would always make comments on how ‘oh of course my opinions don’t matter, as I’m not the breadwinner ‘, and the like. It was pretty grim.
My current DP is actually a primary teacher, and I still earn about £10k more than him. There’s no issues, as the money is largely shared, asvwr both pay 60% of our salaries into the joint account. However, my commuting costs are higher, and he doesn’t spend as much on haircuts, clothes, etc, so it works out about the same on remaining disposable income.

I think it’s not the salary difference which is the issue, but the attitude towards it.