Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to respond to this rudeness?

44 replies

TrainsandDiggers · 01/01/2019 16:13

Long story short - DH has cousins much younger than him (now in their late teens and mid 20s). He’s always bought them birthday, Easter and Christmas gifts since he was 16. We now have joint finances, and IMHO they are insufferably rude. For example:

  • Last year we were given back a cheque we had given to the eldest by his father (DHs Uncle) because his cousin hadn’t cashed it and wanted it re-written!
  • The year before we received a phone call from MIL saying that her brother (DHs Uncle) had been on the phone to ask her to remind DH that a few years before he had given one of his cousins a significant amount of money for his 18th so not to forget that he needs to do the same for the next one who was turning 18 that year (NB - he obviously kept a list, but we didn’t receive a thank you card!)
  • This year we were given back 3 cheques from the uncle from his children (one of which was 2 years old) saying they hadn’t cashed them again and could we re-issue them
  • When the eldest turned 22 (and away at uni) we sent a card but no money and received a phone call from MIL saying uncle had been on phone to say his eldest had received a card but no gift, so could we send it on? MIL was embarrassed because of OUR behaviour!!

DH wants to stop buying for them, but feels he can’t as his own siblings still do and accuse him of being unkind and tight when he suggests it. I am continuously biting my tongue. Not that it matters because we wouldn’t expect it, but these adult cousins have never bought anything for us or our children and I don’t see why we have to follow the collective herd anyway - we are our own family. AIBU to think we should just say we’re not doing it anymore, irrespective of what DHs siblings are doing?

OP posts:
Lemoneeza · 01/01/2019 16:17

Yanbu. Just stop. "Did you mean to be so rude" would be appropriate if anyone questions it.

However I would stop issuing cheques as gifts if you do give any cash in future. Ask for bank details and transfer.

WhatsUpHun · 01/01/2019 16:20

For fucks sake, if they don't buy for your dc, you don't buy for theirs, it's not rocket science is it? It's not rude, it's normal

HairyDogsFeet · 01/01/2019 16:22

I don’t think asking for cheques to be rewritten is rude.

We stop at 21 with the large side of the family but seem to carry in with the other -which is fine as they have 2 and we have 2-all students.

OlennasWimple · 01/01/2019 16:22

How old is the youngest one?

The basic rule in our family is that presents are bought for cousins, nieces etc until they are 21. Bigger present for their 18th and 21st, then it's cards only

Could you say that this is what you are going to do now?

I'd also send cash not cheques, or a gift voucher. CBA with re-writing them

Reaa · 01/01/2019 16:24

They are over 18

If they don't send anything to him for his birthday or Christmas, then don't send to them.

And tell uncle that you have had nothing back, not even a thank you and as they manage to not pay in cheques, they clearly don't need the money anymore.

Empty cards only from now on

Reaa · 01/01/2019 16:25

Stick to milestone birthday gifts only if anything at all.

OwlinaTree · 01/01/2019 16:26

I've been subject to similar. I've just stopped buying. No back lash yet!

Celebelly · 01/01/2019 16:27

Cheeky feckers. Buy them all charity gifts, like a goat, print out the vouchers and stick it in their cards.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 01/01/2019 16:29

"No I'm not re-writing the cheque. You should have paid it in earlier. Its a shame you've lost out."

"We've decided to longer give birthday or Christmas presents to other people's children once they have reached (age of your choice). Of course we won't mind at all if you want to do the same with our children."

Pinkyyy · 01/01/2019 16:29

Too old and too rude for gifts now. They don't even say thank you, that would be enough for me to stop buying for any adult

minisoksmakehardwork · 01/01/2019 16:30

Actually I do think asking for cheques to be re-written is rude.

  1. You have to check that actually it hasn't or can't be cashed, and notify the bank that it has been cancelled (which I would advise doing even if over the time limit as some banks do accept them).

And 2. It says they think very little of you if they cannot be bothered to pop to the bank once in 3-6 months. They don't even have to go when the bank is open as you can pay cheques and cash in via the cash machine.

Personally I would decline any request to rewrite a cheque and tell them how hurt your dh is that they couldn't not be bothered to contact him to explain how much of an issue his gift clearly causes them. And that as it is a problem, you have solved it by no longer gifting to them. That you have done it with no expectation of anything in return although a thanks would be nice. but that it is now becoming a burden and gifts should be given freely rather than expected.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 01/01/2019 16:32

Sorry but the bank of op is closed.

cstaff · 01/01/2019 16:32

If they don't cash their own cheques on time then tough. Also if they don't buy for your kids I would call a halt to it pretty rapidly tbh. The rudeness alone would make me stop. Cheeky fuckers.

dontneedthedrama · 01/01/2019 16:34

DH wants to stop buying for them, but feels he can’t as his own siblings still do and accuse him of being unkind and tight when he suggests it.
But they don't buy for you or dc so just stop , why does he care if they think he's tight ? they are unreasonable so they are going to think that anyway.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 01/01/2019 16:44

Suggest mil can pander to his entitledness if she so wishes to.
Sure she can write cheques...

Rudgie47 · 01/01/2019 16:45

I'd just tell them straight, we are doing cards only from now on and that's it. if they send begging messages then just ignore them.

Lifeofsmiley · 01/01/2019 16:46

Just stop buying for them. Don’t make an announcement anyone and when the cf quiery it tell them you aren’t doing it anymore and it’s not up for discussion.
Things like this really piss me off

ToEarlyForDecorations · 01/01/2019 16:55

Do not re-issue the cheques. I don't think it's rude to be asked, however, I do think the way they have gone about it is rude. Personally they have had six months i.e. that gift was six months ago.

I accept there are circumstances when a cheque needs to be re-written but the request seems off hand to me.

Also, it's not really a gift which is gratefully received. You seem to be not much more than a source of funds.

Troels · 01/01/2019 16:57

Rip up the returned checks and ignore them. When they come asking again, say sorry I'm not re issuing anything and no longer doing presents as they are all adults and don't see fit to send thank yous or even a card or gift for our children. Complete cheeky fuckers.

Ethel36 · 01/01/2019 16:59

Just say no more presents, just cards. Your husband has to be brave when he explains this. If they question it..then ask where your childrens presents are?! People cannot have it both ways.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 01/01/2019 17:00

I would send them a Christmas card next year, stating that you will be donating to charity from now on, they can't argue with that !

CluedoAddict · 01/01/2019 17:01

I stop at 18. In your DH's case I would have stopped a he'll of a long time ago. Exceptionally rude.

Thecurtainsofdestiny · 01/01/2019 17:02

I used to buy for much younger cousins and didn't receive any acknowledgement/ thanks. Nor did they reciprocate.

Things have been better since I stopped giving gifts to themSmile

ResistanceIsNecessary · 01/01/2019 17:03

No we won't be reissuing the cheques; they should have paid them in at the time.

We won't be buying presents for them any longer. None of our children ever receive anything so we feel it's appropriate to stop now.

End of discussion.

LovingLola · 01/01/2019 17:04

Stop being a doormat.

Swipe left for the next trending thread