How to respond to this rudeness?

[TrainsandDiggers]

Long story short - DH has cousins much younger than him (now in their late teens and mid 20s). He’s always bought them birthday, Easter and Christmas gifts since he was 16. We now have joint finances, and IMHO they are insufferably rude. For example:

• Last year we were given back a cheque we had given to the eldest by his father (DHs Uncle) because his cousin hadn’t cashed it and wanted it re-written!
• The year before we received a phone call from MIL saying that her brother (DHs Uncle) had been on the phone to ask her to remind DH that a few years before he had given one of his cousins a significant amount of money for his 18th so not to forget that he needs to do the same for the next one who was turning 18 that year (NB - he obviously kept a list, but we didn’t receive a thank you card!)
• This year we were given back 3 cheques from the uncle from his children (one of which was 2 years old) saying they hadn’t cashed them again and could we re-issue them
• When the eldest turned 22 (and away at uni) we sent a card but no money and received a phone call from MIL saying uncle had been on phone to say his eldest had received a card but no gift, so could we send it on? MIL was embarrassed because of OUR behaviour!!

DH wants to stop buying for them, but feels he can’t as his own siblings still do and accuse him of being unkind and tight when he suggests it. I am continuously biting my tongue. Not that it matters because we wouldn’t expect it, but these adult cousins have never bought anything for us or our children and I don’t see why we have to follow the collective herd anyway - we are our own family. AIBU to think we should just say we’re not doing it anymore, irrespective of what DHs siblings are doing?

I paid my last 3 cheques in via my banking app!

Sorry they’ve been cheeky enough to ask for reissuing when they haven’t had the manners to say thanks, I’d stop gifting too x

They are being rude and you should email them saying you aren’t doing gifts anymore.

That said if you do carry on with gifts, stop doing cheques as they are a total pain. Just do a bank transfer.

The basic rule in our family is that presents are bought for cousins, nieces etc until they are 21. Bigger present for their 18th and 21st, then it's cards only

Same here.

Op they are clearly never happy with or appreciate what gets sent anyway so just stop. They are rude so YANBU

“DH wants to stop buying for them, but feels he can’t as his own siblings still do and accuse him of being unkind and tight when he suggests it.”

But what do his siblings say about them not buying your children any gifts? Are they not similarly unkind and tight?

And what about MIL, who seems to be very involved in the coordination of this rudeness, does she ever mention the lack of gifts for your lot?

I’d just stop it all in its tracks now and leave them to their grumbling. Can’t be any worse than their rudeness when you DO buy stuff.

Don’t announce you are stopping, that’s just an invitation for them to criticise and talk you round.
It’s not as though they reciprocate so need advance warning, just stop giving by stealth.

I agree with PPs - very rude, stop sending the presents and stick to cards. Since this is what they do themselves, there is no reason why they should have an issue with it.

In many families its the custom to stop presents for children (other than your own) when they reach adulthood. If you feel unable to express it differently use that as the reason.

Why on earth isn't your MiL telling her brother to make his own rude demands instead of expecting her to relay them?

Don’t re-write any cheques. If they haven’t been cashed in time it means the recipient isn’t very bothered about the money.

Don’t worry about being perceived as «tight» if you stop sending presents /money to these cousins. They are the ones who are tight as they have never reciprocated.

It’s time DH’s uncle butted out. His children are adults. Rude, ungrateful and entitled ones by the sound of it.

Don’t give any of them headspace anymore. You are also adults and are free to stop indulging these selfish people.

I don’t think asking for cheques to be rewritten is rude.

I think a lot depends on the circumstances and the way in which it's done, although you should still feel suitably embarrassed to have to ask, as it does suggest to the giver that their kind gift was no big deal to you.

Also, it can cause financial difficulties and awkwardness when, having assumed it would already have left their account months ago, they later go on to buy themselves a few treats with what they subsequently assumed were surplus funds, and then have somebody latterly stake a (albeit not technically illegitimate) claim to that already-spent money.

Scenario 1 - Not rude
One single occasion, 7 months after being given the cheque:
"I'm so sorry, but things have been so hectic these last few months - I was sure I'd cashed your very kind gift to me, but I found it at the back of my drawer yesterday."
And then, NOT asking for a re-issue, but waiting for the giver to say "Ah, no problem - I'll write you another one now."

Scenario 2 - Extremely rude.
Every single time, 2 or 3 years after a cheque has been given:
"Oh, your cheque has expired - you'll need to re-issue it and give me another one ASAP."

What everyone else said. No need for announcements. Just STOP. Any calls or complaints about it, say, 'We have decided to end gift giving for over 18s'.

The end.

No re-writing cheques, either, they can be cashed by app now, there's no excuse.

If they are DH’s cousins, he is also their cousin. So why is the present - buying a one-way thing? I really don’t understand MIL’s embarrassment, it’s the uncle who should be embarrassed by his children !

mil,uncle and cousins galore
From us there will be gifts no more
If you want to know the reason so
We’re sick of sending you our hard earned dough
So please don’t get in touch about this
We’re done with you taking the piss.

Merry Christmas

"Your children are rude, entitled grown ups, and you've encouraged this poor behaviour over the years. As grown ups, they haven't once thought of our children at birthdays or Christmas, and we've never received so much as a 'thank you' for anything we've sent. But we have received calls from you demanding we re-send gifts that they lost/forgot about. No more. We will be sending cards only from now on, unless they don't want to receive those. Please let us know if this is the case."

The uncle has some cheek.

1. Stop entirely with the cheques entirely - they have 6 months to cash them for feck’s sake!!! If they can’t be bothered they aren’t that interested in the cash.
2. Tell MIL to stop being the messenger if the uncle has an issue he should call your DH directly... then your DH can ask where all the presents for your kids has gotten to as you haven’t received any of them...?
3. family pressure to keep gifting is very real so if you must I would use this lack of cashing cheques as the explanation for switching to giving physical gifts and would keep these low value eg books only.

Why is the brother still going via MIL? That in inself shows babyish behaviour!!

Tell them to sod off

This is terrible behaviour. I agree it’s time to stop. For the sake of family relations, I would give the present to the just turning 18yo. They cannot be expected to give gifts to your children. Of course a thank you should have been forthcoming. But not everyone has been taught manners. I wasn’t tbh and acquired them in adulthood. Ever since dd was born I have instigated writing thank you cards. And of course I wrote cards for wedding gifts etc.

You don’t want to start a family row but it’s ridiculous to keep sending money to adult relatives. Especially as they never say Thankyou.
I’d just send a card in future, without comment. If greedy uncle asks why I’d say we aren’t giving gifts anymore. End of.

all im thinking is door mat, they do it because they then get what they want

Thank you all for your replies. Glad I’m not alone in the way I’m seeing this - and I LOVE the poem! 😂