To think I’ll be happier accepting my DH’s less positive qualities rather than fighting them?

[Fireplant2019]

Together for 9 years, married for 5.

DH can often be kind, funny, thoughtful and considerate to the small number of people he is very close to but this does not extend to wider acquaintances. This presents itself in extremes of behaviour. For example if I’m ill but experience a craving for a particular type of food all I need do is mention it and he will immediately jump in the car and drive 30 minutes to get it for me even if it’s the middle of the night and bucketing with rain. I participate in regular running events and he shuttles me around to and from various starting lines across the country several times a month, often in the early hours of the morning without a single word of complaint and has generously financially supported me for two years whilst I took time off to complete a qualification (one which I wanted to do but which was not at all necessary for furthering my career.) Conversely his empathy has a short reach outside of his immediate family and he will often make extremely nasty comments about other peoples’ lives or life choices in a very flippant way and this tends to upset me, as I feel he can be mean spirited. I have tried pulling him up on this, talking to him, trying to explain why it’s important to be more open minded but he refuses to take it on board (or perhaps simply cannot change this part of his personality, it is so deeply entrenched).

The other big issue is his contribution to the housework. His mum and step-dad sent him abroad to boarding school from a young age where all cooking and cleaning was done for him and at uni his accommodation was serviced, so he never learned these life skills. Nine years later and my constant encouragement and attempts to involve him around the house have seen little improvement. I can’t remember when he last cooked dinner for me. It causes endless arguments between us and the more I read on MN about how this is apparently enough for most women to LTB or how most women “wouldn’t put up” with it the more incensed and angry I become that he is perfectly happy to reap the benefits of living in a clean and tidy house and eat the meals I cook but refuses to use his initiative to take on any of the burden. I end up having to nag and nag to get him to do anything (which I hate). All I want is for him to pick up after himself and use his initiative to put on a load of washing or run the hoover and mop round when it needs doing, hardly onerous stuff.

I find myself feeling more and more dissatisfied about our home life because of this and at the moment we aren’t getting on very well at all. I feel like I’m getting really hung up what I perceive to be his inadequacies and I’m overlooking the good qualities about him that I fell in love with.

As a fiercely independent woman and a feminist I feel like these problems should be a real sticking point for us. I feel as though I shouldn’t be willing to settle for being left to do the wife-work and that he should either shape up or ship out. However the side of me that still really, truly loves her husband recognises that these issues aside he is a wonderful partner, kind, loyal, supportive both financially and emotionally and loving (to me, even if not to strangers!) and I’m so very sick and tired of arguing. I just want to enjoy my marriage again and stop bickering over the housework. Would it be so unreasonable of me to just accept that my DH is not the domestic God I wish he was and to accept that I will need to take ownership of that? To accept that yes he can lack empathy for strangers and nothing I say is going to change how he thinks, I can’t control his personality?

Is it unrealistic of me to think that as much as we would all like a perfect DH sometimes we have to accept we don’t have “perfect” and make do with “good” and that life might actually be a little easier and more straightforward for doing so?

You have described my partner to a tee - he’s incredibly loving, generous, protective, kind to me and my dd, would do anything for us and he and I are well matched intellectually and in terms of humour and values. However he’s a bit of a dick to everyone else. Not nasty but just quite oblivious and rude and not particularly bothered. He also does zero housework (only child with mum who did it all, not boarding school like yours) and I have had the exact same dilemma! I have after a LOT of consideration, because it really is unfair, decided to accept it as I feel his qualities outweigh how annoying this is. I’ll be interested to see what other replies you get!

Do you both work FT?

Firstly, I'd hire a cleaner. That doesn't need to be the hill your marriage dies in if you can afford one.

I definitely agree that none of us should be expecting any of the people in our life to be perfect. Humans aren't perfect.

However, wanting your partner to make even the slightest contribution to running the home rather than leaving every last bit of it to you isn't expecting perfection. It's expecting respect and basic decency.

Likewise with lack of empathy.

So, do you think if you told yourself to accept being treated as his housekeeper you could live with it?

Have you considered other options in between ?

If you both work FT, it absolutely would be a deal-breaker for me.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who was willing to leave all the crap stuff to me to do so that he had more leisure time. It doesn't say much about how he sees you - as a facilitator for his own ends.

Do you want to have kids? Are you willing to sacrifice your career in favour of his? Because there's a high likelihood that all the childcare will be left to you too.

What's his reasoning, btw? Is he willing to admit he thinks you should do all the housework because you're the woman?

Cleaner not really an option. We don't have a huge amount of disposable cash.

At the end of the day the cleaning is a matter of principle rather than the act itself. I know that I can do a better job of the clean than his half-hearted efforts and I can do it much more quickly, so it's less of a chore. It's more that I always imagined I would have an equal partner who would take on some responsibility around the home and not leave me to deal with everything.

Pointingss yes that sounds familiar. DH can also be a bit of a dick Sometimes he'll say something thoughtless in public and I cringe at how it must sound to people who don't know him.

True that it is pointless trying to change him.

Can you live with him as he is or will you resent him?

Plenty of women on MN would be all LTB about having to drive their partner around to their hobby all the time so you could argue that you and he have made a deal that you each take on a particulae burden.

I think resentment comes from feeling that things are unfair and under-appreciated (on both sides). So if you both feel appreciated and fairly treated on balance then maybe it is OK.

I know that I can do a better job of the clean than his half-hearted efforts and I can do it much more quickly, so it's less of a chore.

So it's not that he won't do it, but that he won't do it the way you want him to?

Just leave him to get on with it. You may have to lower your standards, as long as it gets done tolerably. If it takes twice as long because he's faffing about, that's up to him.

LannieDuck no we are childless by choice.

There is no reason as such, and if you asked him he would deny leaving it all to me. He is capable of agreeing to do things and after much, much nagging will carry out one small task at a time but he can be lazy and simply doesn't understand that a clean and tidy house requires maintenance and effort to stay that way. It's a constant battle to get him to do anything and it's not because he thinks I'm a woman and it's my job, he's just a lazy bugger.

My husband is completely committed to me and the children - would do anything for us.

He will not however do anything around the house including cooking, cleaning or laundry. He does plenty of other stuff such as work ft all the DIY and decorating, bins, recycling etc. He has what he calls blue jobs and pink jobs!

He also has no interest in anyone outside of his immediate family - tends to poke fun at people, is sarcastic and flippant.

After being together for over 25 years I accept he is who he is - inflexible but has all the important things in a relationship like loyalty, respect, consideration, reliability, sense of humour etc. He is my rock and my best friend.

I wouldn't waste anymore time worrying about essentially the less important stuff.

What about a Rota for household tasks?

He is capable of agreeing to do things and after much, much nagging will carry out one small task at a time but he can be lazy

My partner was like this. I tried everything. Asking him, making bloody charts and rotas to hang on the fridge, allocating a few tasks that he would do regularly without me ever having to ask. None of it worked until, on the way to my parents', when I'd done absolutely everything that had to be done before leaving the house while he played video games, I utterly let rip. I pointed out that before we'd moved in together he had promised he would clean and tidy (thankfully I'd had the foresight to extract that promise), and told him how utterly resentful it was making me that he had promised to accept responsibility for certain rooms and that he had now broken those promises and never bothered to clean or tidy, leaving me to become the annoying nag. He actually cried, had a think, and since then he's done his share... I'm not sure it would work for every man but framing it as a breaking of promises and a display of his complete lack of consideration for me affected him much more deeply than it being a simple cleanliness issue -because he could quite happily live in a bombsite.

It's a basic lack of respect for you to refuse to be an equal partner. I'd suggest that you buy a second washing basket for his clothes and only wash and iron your own. Likewise buy a big plastic box for his stuff left lying around the house and shove it in the box and out of sight. Limit what you do for him and when/if he complains then say you are fed up of being treated as a skivvy so if he wants things to change he has to step up and become an equal partner. At least if he is washing, folding and ironing all his own clothes from now and has to start looking after his stuff otherwise it goes in the box it will lighten your load considerably.

I think if it’s bothering you then you can’t help how you feel. I do think if you don’t have children and are both working full time that housework should be split equally and I would feel very resentful in your situation.

Work out what matters to him, and work with it.
So he'll need clothes, that will matter to him- when it does, show him how then let him do the laundry.
He'll need to eat, that will matter- cook every other day. When he says he's hungry, ask him what he's making.

Mine doesn't care about clean bathrooms, so I do them or they wouldn't get done. He does care about vacuuming, so I don't do it at all.

There are no rules set in stone that say you have to split household tidying. If you are better at it and essentially care much more about it then you could choose to do it rather than constantly battle him about it.

But nobody here can tell you whether you will be able to do that happily.

I think it would be worth considering how he would live day to day if you weren't there. Would he live in a slum or would he find he did notice what needed to be done.

I do think with tidyness etc that sometimes one partner (not always the woman) is actually demanding too much ..becuase the messier partner would actually get it done in their own way...it would be slower and not as well done but stuff would eventually get washed etc.

So try to stand back and see if he does get his own crap cleaned up in a reasonable way without you nagging. As someone said it is fair for you to meet him half way perhpas if it's about slightly lowering your standards.

Personally I think never cooking is the worst sin..it's just so incredibly selfish. But I'm not sure how you got to be in a place where he never cooks you must be allowing that to happen.

Don't get angry about it with him, or make it feel like 'tit for tat'. Just say casually, 'it's your turn'.

My dh is like this, the cleaner was cheaper than a divorce. After many years practice i have got to the point of clearly articulating my rage and frustration of being left a messy kitchen to prepare food in, having no room on the sofa for a person due to various cast off clothes and having to explain what the loo brush is for.

He has many fantastic qualities, including being great on the household admin, technology bits (internet, mobiles, printers etc) and the washing up - he does that, and I do the bits I like, mainly cooking, gardening and clothes washing.

Its taken many years to get to this point, but the cleaner was a game changer - best £60 per month ever spent.

You can certainly accept that your partner is a ride person who's rather see you tired and frustrated than bother to do his fair share in maintaining your life together. Is that what you envisaged for your life?

Sorry that should say rude person

Most of us manage to learn to pick up after ourselves and not to act like a dick to strangers.

Men who act like dicks, cant be bothered to be polite, and expect their partners to act like their maids aren't much of a catch no matter how nice they act in private.

userschmoozer an important clarification is that picking up after Dh has never been my job, its that picking up stuff is waaayy down on his priority list compared to mine.

I also recognise I have enormously annoying qualities too, im the "faffer" who finds the 10 minute job before we HAVE to leave, i routinely treat time as an elastic entity, i also lose my keys/mobile/purse around the house with monotonous regularity (have also added glasses to this list more recently).

The reason i do the cooking is that I'm a spoony fucker who could never leave a pot unstirred or poked in the kitchen.

There are many, many things which I simply cant be arsed with which dh does with ease and apparent enjoyment - christmas present shopping and decorating for example.

Ask him if he will please do half of the chores to make it fair. Say you are sick of doing it all. Hopefully he will say yes of course! And then you can write a list of everything that needs to be done weekly and you can divvy it up.

We did that as soon as we move in together and it worked a treat.

We never sorted out who manages the bills, holidays, travel planning, mortgage etc so I take on all of that ‘life admin’ which I got really annoyed about recently - so we divvied that up as well.

I find that once everyone knows what they are responsible for it works much better.

For example we used to share the bin emptying but it always ended up being me that noticed it was full before him etc. So I said please can you manage emptying the bin from now on and I will clean it and he said yes.

It’s much easier to have a task each than to just share it all, as I always find it’s the woman who notices it needs doing before the man.