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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gone go bed

42 replies

Stepmum3 · 31/12/2018 23:31

My partner has truly peed me off. He has told my daughter no to any appletiser even though I said they were for tonight. So I don’t undermine him I follow what he stated so I get in the ear off my daughter as I had said they were for tonight.

Then my son 11 didn’t take his coat upstairs as asked by my partner so he told him off and my son acted rudely. Very rude. So I backed him up again which caused an argument so I have taken myself to bed because I am just peed off.
My son struggles with self control regard his anger. However, I try to ignore it and engage when he has calmed down as talking makes him worse. My partner just talks at him which then makes every situation more difficult and harder to manage. We are trying counsellor for my son but he is like a firework.

I just wanted to vent as I am so peed off. As I am trying to show a united front but I am not shown the same courtesy when it comes to his children. I have taken myself to bed to calm down as I am livid.

OP posts:
LovingLola · 31/12/2018 23:38

How long have you been living together? Do your children like him?

Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2018 23:39

YANBU.

Flowers

Sounds like counselling with your partner would help.

Is he the father of your kids?

It's always said that you should follow through on punishment but what about rewards and treats? If you promise a sweet, a treat, a drink then say no, what does that teach kids?

Your partner is not being kind to them or you, IMHO.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 31/12/2018 23:40

You sound like your scared of him, to be honest. Does the talk of "undermining" come from him, by any chance?

With the appetisers, you could have just said "actually these are for tonight so everyone can have one of X and one of Y" or whatever.

And why can't your son wear his coat if he really wants to?! It isn't doing anyone any harm.

Where are your children now?

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 31/12/2018 23:41

*you're

Sorry Blush

Original poster
Stepmum3 · 31/12/2018 23:42

They are just mine but we spent years alone prior to him moving in two years ago. So they never saw the reality of their dad. I am just fed up as I get it in the ear all the time but have to show a united front.

They find him moany.

OP posts:
Mummyshark2019 · 31/12/2018 23:44

He sounds like a bully. How long has he been living with you and your kids?

LovingLola · 31/12/2018 23:44

So you and your children are miserable? What’s the point of staying with him?

Original poster
Stepmum3 · 31/12/2018 23:46

My ex partner their father used to claim I undermined him if I stuck up for my eldest child. This was used as a weapon to bash me with.
My current partner and I have totally different approaches whereas I try and listen to them he doesn’t.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 31/12/2018 23:46

He doesn't sound very kind. If he is abusive to you or them then you need a re think. If it is just unpleasant moanyness then maybe counselling?

Do you Appetizers the drink, or snacks? Is this 'to see the new year in'? Why would anyone deny a kid that?

SylvanianFamiliesNurserySet · 31/12/2018 23:47

I don’t understand why no Appletizer on NYE? When, then?

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 31/12/2018 23:51

Oops sorry I misread as appetisers. Food on my mind Blush

You don't have to show a united front. You can stand up for your children and yourself. He doesn't just get to make the rules and then you have to back him up no matter what.

At the very least you need a calm conversation to decide rules and discipline methods together. But first have a real think about whether you really want him in your lives.

abbsisspartacus · 31/12/2018 23:52

Unpopular opinion alert! Your the parent you don't need to co-parent with him he isn't their father!

This is a bugbear between me and my partner he thinks I'm too "soft" on the kids but tries to throw it in my face if he babysits (so i can work) that they are my "responsability " i respond by getting someone else to babysit and buggering off to work anyway and I do step on him (not physically) if he says no and I've said yes ultimately they are my kids my rules

cowfacemonkey · 31/12/2018 23:56

I think there’s a difference between a united front and standing back and letting your children be treated unfairly. You’d said yes to the drink why does he get to say no?

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 31/12/2018 23:58

Have my last LTB if 2018

Nanny0gg · 01/01/2019 00:01

You don't have to have a united front - he has to back you up as you're the parent.

Applepudding2018 · 01/01/2019 00:12

I don't think that you need to present a united front with your partner regards parenting / discipline of your DC as he is not their father.

Think about what feels right and comfortable for you and put your DC first. This may mean that your relationship doesn't survive but you need to prioritise what's best for you and your DC

CJsGoldfish · 01/01/2019 00:15

You said they were for tonight. Your dd heard they were for tonight. Your partner then changed the rules and you backed him instead of your child. Why?
Your 'united front' bullshit is doing nothing but telling YOUR children that you value this person more than them and this WILL cause damage.
Actually, I should say, further damage, because I can't imagine that they are unaffected by your deferring to someone who is NOT their parent no matter what, to keep that 'united front' happening. And to keep this man happy whether it is at their expense or not

zen1 · 01/01/2019 00:16

How come he gets to overrule you re the Appeltiser, even though you’re the parent?

ChrisjenAvasarala · 01/01/2019 00:27

You're the parent. Sorry OP but grow a pair. You made your daughter a promise... then went back on it cos the "big man" comes in and says no? Right...

He's a bully and you're bending over backwards to let him have his way whilst your kids suffer. You promised her something so you give it to her.

Your son has anger issues... do you think your partner is going to improve those or make them worse?

Think about your kids. The guy is a dick.

BrendasUmbrella · 01/01/2019 00:28

Why do you have to show a united front?!

Especially when you know he's wrong...

Put your children first.

Italiangreyhound · 01/01/2019 00:30

abbsisspartacus

"Unpopular opinion alert! Your the parent you don't need to co-parent with him he isn't their father!" Not unpopular at all. I support my dh when he is speaking sense. And vice versa.

If he, or I, get a bit too heavy handed with punishments or cross, the other will remind them, that's OTT.

I think you should trust your gut, OP.

Troels · 01/01/2019 00:30

My first LTB of 2019. He is a bully, your poor kids having to live with this. They are your priority, he's an arse.
He's the one who undermines you, you told him the appletizer was for tonight and he over ruled your opinion.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 01/01/2019 00:30

Sorry but no, you don’t need to present a united front at all costs. Especially when he’s not even their father and has fuck all understanding of their needs and how to engage with them positively.

You are the parent. Your rules, you get the final say, and he follows your lead.

ButteryParsnips · 01/01/2019 00:32

Forget the united front. He's being inconsistent and unkind to your kids. You don't have to back that up.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 01/01/2019 00:35

Poor children.

I don’t think you should be deferring to him at all. Who the fuck does he think he is, the boss of the house?

Think about the life he is making for your children.