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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gone go bed

42 replies

Stepmum3 · 31/12/2018 23:31

My partner has truly peed me off. He has told my daughter no to any appletiser even though I said they were for tonight. So I don’t undermine him I follow what he stated so I get in the ear off my daughter as I had said they were for tonight.

Then my son 11 didn’t take his coat upstairs as asked by my partner so he told him off and my son acted rudely. Very rude. So I backed him up again which caused an argument so I have taken myself to bed because I am just peed off.
My son struggles with self control regard his anger. However, I try to ignore it and engage when he has calmed down as talking makes him worse. My partner just talks at him which then makes every situation more difficult and harder to manage. We are trying counsellor for my son but he is like a firework.

I just wanted to vent as I am so peed off. As I am trying to show a united front but I am not shown the same courtesy when it comes to his children. I have taken myself to bed to calm down as I am livid.

OP posts:
ssd · 01/01/2019 00:36

sorry I cant find much sympathy for you

stand up for your kids, they come first, not your arsehole of a partner

IncomingCannonFire · 01/01/2019 00:38

Really? He's not the boss.
You need to have a good long sit and think about whether this guy makes your kids and then you Happy. Kids come first until they are adults imo.

ChrisjenAvasarala · 01/01/2019 00:41

In the morning, apologise to your children. Make a promise to do better and then do it.

WontonSoupForTheSoul · 01/01/2019 00:46

Why are you allowing this man to parent your children?

Bringbackthestrioes · 01/01/2019 00:46

Coats upstairs. If you would be happy to talk to your child later then your partner should not be talking AT him and winding him up.

You bought the appeltise for tonight so your daughter should have been able to have it tonight as you had previously told her and he should not have said she couldn’t have it.

They find him moany. because he is. It sounds like he is trying to assert his dominance. They are YOUR children so he should not be undermining YOU!

Protect your children-seriously, today it’s appletise and coats but he has already got you letting HIM dominate YOUR children so who knows where this leads? ..... I do, my mother let someone like him live with us. It didn’t end well for her. All 4 kids moved out as soon as they were able.

MrMakersFartyParty · 01/01/2019 00:47

Why didn't you back your daughter up? I never forgave my mum for shit like this.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/01/2019 00:48

I think you need to understand that 'showing a united front' does NOT mean you caving in to every parenting decision he makes. Doing so only encourages him to 'get there first' so you 'have' to support him. Somehow, I expect that he's the one who has told lectured you that a good parent never 'undermines'. No, good parents discuss things. Good parents aren't afraid to speak to the other parent (quietly and privately) if they disagree, especially when one parent has already given (or withheld) permission.

Listen, he is not their father, stop treating him like he is. That isn't to say that they shouldn't be respectful to him or that he can never tell them what to do, but they are YOUR children and you are the one who should be primarily responsible. If the two of you can't work as a team, learning each other's 'styles' and compromising, then YOU are the boss! And more importantly, you should reconsider the relationship.

My DH and I butted heads over parenting our sons. We ended up getting counseling to reconcile our different philosophies. I think it would be a good idea for you and your DP to consider counseling, too.

genie10 · 01/01/2019 00:51

Sounds as if he's the one who needs to back you up. You promised the kids something and he should not have changed that. You need to speak to him alone and make it clear that you make the rules for your children and he goes along with that. They will remember these things when they are older and need to know you are dependable.

llangennith · 01/01/2019 00:56

New year, new start. Dump the man and reclaim the good life with your kids. You'll all be much happier.

Highginx · 01/01/2019 00:58

Serious question - do you think he likes your children? Do you think they think he likes them?

Apileofballyhoo · 01/01/2019 01:04

He sounds like a complete arsehole. What was his actual reason for not letting DD have the drink? Just out of spite?

The4thSandersonSister · 01/01/2019 06:03

You've gone from one extreme to the other. Your EX used your different opinions on parenting choices as a weapon by saying you were undermining him by not presenting a United Front. You've decided to do the opposite with your DP and seem to be presenting a United Front on parenting issues when really there are shades of grey to be applied.

Merryoldgoat · 01/01/2019 06:15

He’s not their dad and he’s undermining YOU.

I don’t know why you’re letting a man who’s been in their lives 2 years make parenting decisions.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 01/01/2019 06:33

I actually think it was your partner was undermining you, (and throwing his weight around). You bought those drinks for tonight, your daughter isn’t an idiot, yet you treated her quite badly. Why did it have to be an issue?

Loulou0 · 01/01/2019 06:37

As PP said, WHY is this man getting involved in how you raise your kids?

I understand the need for harmony and understanding for everyone in the house but it sounds as though he is ruling the roost there.

I would give your daughter whatever it was she wanted last night as well as a huge apology.

Why are you making your kids tread on eggshells around this bully?

Gina2012 · 01/01/2019 06:37

I always backed my DD - always, every time.

My partner didn't like that.

Oh dear.

Raven88 · 01/01/2019 07:25

I would give them appletiser for breakfast. He ruined New Years because he wants things his way.

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