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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect people to send a thank you message for gifts?

46 replies

mazv1953 · 31/12/2018 20:38

I was brought up to send a thank you message when I got a present from someone - assuming I was not able to say it directly at the time. But my DILs never respond when I post them presents for their birthdays or Christmas. Part of the issue is that I then have no way of knowing if they have been delivered but tbh most of the issue is that I think it rude. My DDs will send an email or text - just with "Thanks" and that is fine. I don't expect flowing pages of gratitude! Maybe times have moved on and my ideas of what constitutes good manners is now rather out of date?

OP posts:
Wagonwheelsandjammydodgers · 31/12/2018 20:39

Always always send thank you letters here, and after we've been to stay at someone's house. Bringing my children up to do the same as I think it is appreciated.

Blueblueyellow · 31/12/2018 20:42

I've never heard of this Blush and none of my friends or anyone I know my age does it-early 30s.

Stickerrocks · 31/12/2018 20:45

We insist on saying thank you, but it may take DD a few weeks of nagging first. I used to loath writing thank you letters on Boxing Day which my DB would get away with just signing.

cstaff · 31/12/2018 20:50

Just a short text would suffice in our family but it would be frowned upon if it wasn't sent. It is just good manners.

tessiegirl · 31/12/2018 20:53

I was brought up to always write thank you notes to those I hadn't seen who sent me a birthday or Christmas gift. I still do it now. Mid 30's.
I will also ensure dd does the same

Bringbackthestrioes · 31/12/2018 20:53

I always sent thank you letters as a child and so I always get DC to send them now or DC will phone up to say thanks to people. I am infuriated that we have one young person we send to and we don’t have a clue if their gifts ever arrive or not unless we’ve sent through amazon or paid extra for recorded delivery.

Clevs · 31/12/2018 20:56

I always wrote thank you letters as a child. These days it's a text or e-mail. My son has just had his first Christmas and it's something I'm going to start doing with him as the older generation particularly like receiving them I think. It will also teach him about gratitude, manners etc.

Original poster
mazv1953 · 31/12/2018 20:56

That explains it Blueblueyellow! Thanks (no irony intended!)

OP posts:
bakingdemon · 31/12/2018 20:58

Sending thank you notes is polite and the right thing to do (I am mid 30s and was brought up to do this and will bring up my own children to do the same). It is a bit soon to have had a thank you from this Christmas barely a week later though.

I would stop sending presents to people who did not send a thank you. And if they noticed and asked if I had sent something, I would say "as I never got any acknowledgement or thanks, I thought my gifts weren't arriving".

jessstan2 · 31/12/2018 20:58

Oh yes, you should get a thank you but usually people get down to writing them after new year.

TheRealShatParp · 31/12/2018 20:59

A thank you text or email should be sent at the very least.

Nonibaloni · 31/12/2018 21:00

We spent a lot of today writing thank you notes agonisingly slowing. Will probably be another week before they make it to a pillar box. Ds is 8
I’m earlier 30’s and have always done it.

subspace · 31/12/2018 21:05

Yes of course it's reasonable to thank people for presents. I hated being made to write thank you letters as a child but I'm grateful I am in the habit of it now.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 31/12/2018 21:07

I think its an older generation thing.

DuggeesWooOOooggle · 31/12/2018 21:13

I usually text or send a FB message to say thanks for gifts for myself. DS' birthday is end of November so we combine thank you cards with Christmas cards and make them. I still need to do some thank you cards for his Christmas presents but will definitely do so by the end of the week. In the past I have also sent messages with pictures of him playing with whatever it was/wearing it. People like to know their gift has been appreciated.

My niece never says thank you for her presents but then neither does my brother, despite being brought up to do so alongside me. I find it incredibly rude and have often considered stopping buying gifts for them but it feels wrong for my niece as it's how she's been raised so not really her fault. Hopefully when she's a bit older she will realise that saying thank you is just basic courtesy.

WhatOnEarthDoIDoNow · 31/12/2018 21:16

Not U at all, especially if the gifts have been posted or sent. You've gone to the effort to send them and it takes less than a minute to send a text of some kind saying thanks for ....

Blueblueyellow · 31/12/2018 21:18

I meant to say if course I would send a text! But only if I hadn't seen the person to receive the present. I wouldn't txt, say my brother,who I had seen over the Christmas, to say thank you for the gifts.Writing thank you cards is a lovely idea though.

riddles26 · 31/12/2018 21:18

Doesn't have to be a letter but its rude not to acknowledge that you have safely received the gift and thank the sender. Im 30 and my circle tend to do it by text or phone call (which is always longer than one word!), would never say nothing.

lucky88 · 31/12/2018 21:20

I did when I was a child. Thank you card or phone call.
But I don't really think people do this anymore. I'll send an email or text if it's a really nice or thoughtful pressie. But honestly it's not something I always do and I don't think I have ever received more than a short text of thanks for anything I've ever bought anyone. And I wouldn't expect it either. It's not done like it used to be.. don't take it personally.

mummyhaschangedhername · 31/12/2018 21:22

Ummm my question is why is it your daughter in laws responsibility to say thanks and not your sons?

I always used to. I always call everyone and say thanks but I just don't have time for notes and letters these days. Personally I would rather someone not bother than do it for special thanks. I always do so thank you, but honestly if they is a chance I'll be bitched about if I don't do it immediately then I would rather people not bother. It's not nice or kind, I don't give to receive.

But why your daughter in laws, why not your sons? I tend to let my husband mostly deal with his side of the family, although I always remind him.

ManicUnicorn · 31/12/2018 21:24

It's not an older generation thing, its just basic good manners. Growing up I was made to phone everyone who'd bought be me a gift on Christmas mkrnjng to say thank you. A bit extreme maybe, but I always thank people now. Whether it be by text or FB, and so do most people I know in fairness.

People saying they've not heard of doing so sound quite socially inept at best, at worst bloody rude and ignorant.

Meatbadger · 31/12/2018 21:24

So weird that some people think that saying thank you is an ‘older generation’ thing

What??!

rededucator · 31/12/2018 21:24

I was brought up the same and still send thank you cards (33yo). But you say your DIL doesn't send a thank you but your DD does. Why doesn't your son? Surely if that's the child you raised with your standards and expectations them it's him you should be expecting the thank you from? Hmm

dotdashdot · 31/12/2018 21:32

I'm early 30's and wasn't bought up sending thank you cards. My husband was and he insists on sending them to everyone. I think if I see or am in contact with the person by phone/text then I just say thank you that way and don't see the point in sending a card to say the same thing again. I can see why it's polite to send a card to someone you wouldn't normally be in touch with. I only give gifts to people I'm actually in touch with though and would never expect (or want) a thank you card. I wouldn't be sending a message to PIL though, I'd expect my DH to do that for us. They probably also blame me for the lack of thank you card.

amusedbush · 31/12/2018 21:34

I’m 28, I’ve never received a thank you note and I don’t think I’ve sent one since the mid to late 90s. I will always text someone to thank them though.