Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Taking cheating husband back?

35 replies

Bettsy123 · 31/12/2018 20:29

Hi all,
I have previously posted about how my husband has been working away in another country. He had been away for a matter of weeks when he had cheated on me (at the time i was 7months pregnant at home) he had 2 one night stands and slept with another woman on more than one occasion). When i found out (the woman messaged me) he denied everything and continued to lie. I now know everything and he has come clean. On finding out i was sure that the marriage was over. I told my family and friends what he had done. Now i have had our daughter (1 week old) and i saw him after her birth for a few days so he could meet her and spend time with her before he had to go back abroad.
I expected to hate him, or to feel nothing. But i still love him and want to be with him. Saying goodbye to him this time was harder then when he first went and before he cheated. I know that my hormones will be everywhere with just having had the baby but I really want to give it another go.
I want him here all the time, but now my family and friends know and it will be so difficult. And what if the reality of it is terrible?

I am not afriad to be a single mum or to be on my own. I know i will be okay. I am going to take my time and see how i feel over the next few weeks and see what effort he puts in. Its hard because now he is abroad again for a few months.

Has anybody had any experience with this and how a relationship can even work after infidelity?

OP posts:
FrenchSchnoodle · 31/12/2018 20:33

Congrats on the birth of your baby but no, I wouldn't ever take him back. He cheated and lied and you'll never really trust him again in the same way as you did before.

I can imagine that hormones, new baby, wanting to be a family etc is all having a huge affect on how you're feeling and so I wouldn't make any decisions now.

Wolfiefan · 31/12/2018 20:38

He cheated and lied. Why would this possibly work? And he’s gone away for another few months? Lots more time to cheat. And even if he didn’t? How could you believe him when he said he had been faithful?

riotlady · 31/12/2018 20:39

I’m so sorry but I don’t see anyway that it’s going to work. He didn’t make a one time mistake, he repeatedly cheated on you with multiple women! How would you ever trust him again?

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 31/12/2018 20:42

Would you feel the same if he gave you an sti or got another woman pregnant? Give him another chance and you invite either of the above to your door.

Boxingmama · 31/12/2018 20:43

He looked at you & told you he loved you then he chose someone else, a one night stand, a two night stand ... whatever!! He did it, you were pregnant too!
He doesn’t love you, he is selfish.
Why would you want to be with someone that treats you like that, with such disregard & disrespect.
You deserve better than him, your daughter deserves a better male influence in her life than him.

Do you want her to think that’s how she should be treated?

You’ve just had a baby, emotions are high & hormones are crazy.
Enjoy being single for a while (love yourself again), enjoy your daughter, forget about him ... he is not worth your tears.
A better man will come your way & you will find true happiness.

KC225 · 31/12/2018 21:40

Spend all your love on your new daughter. Dont waste time and emotions worrying about what he is getting up to and miss those precious weeks and months with a tiny baby. You will never trust him, you will always be wondering.

If he wants you back and if he wants to be a devoted Father why is leaving again for months?

Tjzmummabear · 31/12/2018 21:42

Please don't. Once a cheater always a cheater. Also if he's sleeping around he could have stis

ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2018 22:39

Well if you always dreamed of having a proven cheat and liar as a life partner, knock your socks off. Hope you want better for your daughter though.

Oh, but then you'd have to model that. So on second thoughts, hope you don't want better for your daughter, otherwise you really have a moral dilemma

Motoko · 31/12/2018 22:39

It would have been bad enough if it had been with one woman, but 3? Are you a glutton for punishment?

Don't take him back, you can't trust him. It's just your hormones making you feel this way.

Bobbybear10 · 31/12/2018 22:51

He didn’t just cheat once, he didn’t make a mistake and feel remorse.

He lied repeatedly and shagged at least three other women on multiple occasions.
What about the times he didn’t get caught and shagged other women you don’t know about?

He took the piss out of you repeatedly and probably got kicks out of thinking you were stupid enough to swallow his act, because honestly he thinks you are stupid.

I imagine he thinks you’re even more stupid now you are planning on taking him back.

I think you desperately need to work on your self esteem.
You do not deserve to be treated the way he treated you.
He wouldn’t have treated you the way he did if he loved you.
You deserve to be with someone that loves and respects you.

taya1234 · 01/01/2019 07:46

Hi Sorry this has happened to you. Of course you still love him, it doesn't go away that easily even if he has really hurt you but you need to make a decision and realise the very possible outcome if you take him back. If he has cheated more than once, it is very likely he is going to do it again. Especially given you have just had a baby so all your attention is going to be on your baby (and rightly so) and all of the romance is going to go out the window, you are going to be so tired, stressed, lack of sexual desire and chances are if he looked elsewhere before, he has even more reason to do it again now. You won't be able to trust him again and every time he goes out, you are going to be wondering what he is doing. If you break up with him it is going to be hard but at least it will give you the chance find someone a hell of a lot nicer, more decent and honest. Your husband cheated on you while you were pregnant - having his baby. Can't get much lower than that. That is pretty unforgivable for both you and your baby. If you stay with him, it probably isn't going to end well, he will cheat on you again and again and may even fall in love with one of the women he cheats on you with and leave you (and becomes her problem) and you will just wasted your time and emotions on him when you could have found a decent honest man who deserves you. Make the hard choice and get rid of him. Think of it this way - those women you found out about are the ones you know about, how many more of them are there that you don't know about. The other thing you need to think about if you keep him is the impact it will have on your child when they are older if you discover him cheating again in a few years and you kick him out of the house. It will become another reason to stay with him as not to upset them.

Squatternutbosh123 · 01/01/2019 08:32

I wouldn't, it wasn't just a one-off and these are only the ones you know about...there's probably more. You deserve better and so does the baby

altiara · 01/01/2019 08:45

Does he still want to be with you? You don’t mention that or if he’s tried to say he’s cutting down on working abroad, why he wasn’t upset after just one one night stand, What he’s promised to do now etc.

AnoukSpirit · 01/01/2019 08:52

You say you love him, but don't you want to be with someone who also loves you?

Because his actions are not those of somebody who loves you. Not even close.

Don't you value yourself more than that?

whatamidoingwithmylife · 01/01/2019 09:03

In my experience they never tell you the full story, they still hold things back which then come out along the way and make it harder to get through.

Sounds like an awful situation for you, OP. I hope you can get through this well.
I don't think I could take him back in that situation as I know the doubts would make their way in every time he did something. I've previously ended up checking my exes's phones and always found more incriminating evidence on there while they're 'being honest'.

Bambamber · 01/01/2019 09:05

Do You trust him? You can't have a healthy relationship with no trust. Every time he goes abroad are you going to be left how many women he is shagging this time. You are worth more than that

TooSassy · 01/01/2019 09:21

My exH cheated (I found out) and that’s why he is an ex. Few things about my situation.

  1. the cheating went much deeper than what I initially found out.
  2. I knew in my heart I would never forgive him. So I refused to put him and me through a farce of a marriage whilst I subconsciously attacked him in revenge for what he had done. I also refused to raise our children in such a hostile and unhealthy dynamic (which is where I know I would have ended up). We are years on now. Friends, amicable and our DC are doing fine. It’s hard but I know I did the right thing.

On the flip side, a good friend of mine has stayed with her husband despite his repeated infidelities. For a few reasons.
She’s not prepared to see her DC less (which is a brutal consequence of divorce).
He is extremely wealthy and she has a high quality of life. Has never worked (despite being incredibly intelligent). Her life from that perspective is amazing and in her mind it provides her ‘enough’ to stay put. He also claims to love her and showers her with affection when he’s around.

Is she happy? She says so and she certainly seems it. But whether she will look back in 10 years and be proud of ‘sticking with it’ or regret frittering away years of her life with a man who cannot stay faithful...who knows?

You have options OP.

TooSassy · 01/01/2019 09:22

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/up-next?language=en

Watch that, it’s very interesting Op and talks about people who have stayed and made it work.

TeddybearBaby · 01/01/2019 09:37

Congratulations on your baby girl ☺️. I actually think that it is possible to move forward after infidelity. Takes a lot of work from both sides to restablish trust. Marriage counselling can help. Good luck with everything x

Angrybird345 · 01/01/2019 09:46

Once.... maybe but three times, no way would I have him back. Your hormones are off the wall and you don’t need to make any decisions yet. Focus on you and your baby.

makingmammaries · 01/01/2019 09:47

As I get older I increasingly think that monogamy is little more than a social construct. OP, you need to figure out how much it matters to you, and why, since it’s almost certain that he’ll do the same again.

wavesmax · 01/01/2019 09:51

My DH cheated on me 19 years ago. I still can't forgive or forget. I still raise it during the very heated arguments and it's in my mind often when times between us are hard. The trust and respect went all those years ago. I feel now we should of gone our separate ways, but I was very young and to me I'd invested so much of myself into our relationship I didn't want to waste the time (2 years) we had spent together. Looking back now I've wasted the last 19 years with someone I constantly don't trust and he treats me disrespectfully every day. He may not cheat now but I know he doesn't care about me. I should of walked away.

Starlight456 · 01/01/2019 10:01

Op when my Ds was born I put up with so much from my abusive ex. I was so desperate to be the family I dreamed of. I do think hormones played apart.

I think you would torture yourself with him abroad so. I way of even knowing.

Also seems very co incidental first one night stand traces you to another country?

Congratulations on your dd. She will be the greatest thing to come out of your relationship

Henrysmycat · 01/01/2019 10:08

Don’t be afraid to be a single parent. First, you don’t know, you might meet a decent human that treats you and your child with the respect you deserve. Nothing is set in stone and you can be alone if you fancy. Secondly, I’d rather give my daughter the example of a strong mother that respects herself than a doormat that her father gave her a disease before running off with his pregnant girlfriend.
Which one do you think is better?

LiftedHigh · 01/01/2019 12:41

I always said, if I was cheated on that would be the end. Yet when it happened, I took him back.
Huge mistake.
I put it behind me but never really regained that trust fully.

I think I didn't want to let go of having a second child, once we'd agreed we'd like another.
Didn't want his mistake, to rob me of my plan.
I found out because I went to have my contraceptive implant removed. Offered std test, as standard. It came back positive. I'd met my husband at 18, he was my only boyfriend. Tests for both if us fine wjen having first child. Yet he tried to blame me! Tried to deny it. He was so convincing, I got retested, still positive std result. He thrn said he'd stayed with a friend who had bed bugs...maybe that's how he'd caught it...wtaf! I'm a scientist ffs. He just wouldn't give in and admit it. After a while he did.

Should never have taken him back.
I'd told virtually no one.
So i do get how everyone knowing makes it harder. Cos telling no one made it easier to put to one side.

Now we've seperated, years later due to many many issues, 'emotional affairs' on his side, DV etc etc.
And everyone knows we've seperated but not why.
I still have doubts if I'm doing the correct thing.
I'm not scared of being a single mum to 3 kids and one is disabled.
I'm actually sad he's missing out on them, theyre so funny and brilliant. I'd never want a relationship with him again, if it couldnt work before, why now? When everything is do much worse amd damaged. But I just dont want him to miss out.

If I were you OP, I'd not take him back.
I wish I could talk to my younger self and say the same thing.
Maybe I am actually talking to myself now.

Good luck @OP