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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I won't get any New Year good wishes or texts. Anyone the same?

73 replies

GonetoseedoverXmas · 31/12/2018 18:46

Me and DP will go for dinner and have a lovely time together, I am lucky. My best mate is great too, we hardly see each other as live faraway but were close in that I could always call her if I needed to, as she could me, and we have a lot of laughs and fun when we catch up.

But the silence over the holidays is deafening in terms of others I thought were friends but really are acquaintances I think. I had one text off my mum on Christmas Day, and she couldn't answer the phone when I called. One friend sent a Xmas gif. I sent a few merry Christmases myself and those friend did reply - but nobody thinks of me first. They're nice people it's just I'm not important to anyone.

I just feel quite low when I think how I'm not important to anyone. I don't know what it is.

Anyone in the same boat?

OP posts:
NigelGresley · 31/12/2018 20:35

I hate all of the “send to all” generic impersonal messages that go around. It’s almost worse than getting nothing.

ashtrayheart · 31/12/2018 20:37

I text no one and answer any directed straight to me and ignore the generic ones. I don’t get many thankfully, I find them irritating tbh!
I don’t think it’s a sign of how popular or not you are, not everyone does this.

Sophiesdog11 · 31/12/2018 20:52

I know how you feel Op, I am mid fifties but realise more each year how most ‘friends’ rely on me to contact them. I have decided that I will wait and see if some will make the first move in 2019!!

I have already had 2 generic messages, more or less the same poem, it took a lot for me to not reply saying how impersonal it was! Like others, I will not reply to generic messages, only personal wishes, and will send some messages out tomorrow to true friends.

Houseonahill · 31/12/2018 20:54

This is me OP I'm only 27 and my mum and dad will wish me happy New year but other than that it's me and a two year old. I'm very grateful for what I do have but at times it suck as well.

To everyone who is feeling a wee but lonely today HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Somewhereovertherainbow13 · 31/12/2018 20:59

Happy new year to you all!

I feel exactly the same though op, I have no real friends I find I never move past the polite conversation stage with people and I don’t know why. My oh has depression and ‘keeping his secret’ pushed my old friendships away.

JudasPrudy · 31/12/2018 20:59

None of my mates do this anymore. Or at least not to me Confused

WWWWicked · 31/12/2018 21:02

DH and I had this exact same conversation earlier tonight.

We have each other and our amazing teenagers, but no real friends to speak of, though we have plenty of acquaintances.

We’ve had a meet up over the Christmas break with one couple but at our instigation and we know for a fact that if we didn’t bother arranging, they definitely wouldn’t.

I just don’t know how you go about making good friends as an adult. It’s put quite a downer on my evening.

Tara336 · 31/12/2018 21:08

Wouldn’t it be lovely if the MN that feel sad and lonely could make friends?

GiBlues · 31/12/2018 21:14

Happy new year OP, and to everyone that, like me have realised in the past week that some of my friends and family are a bit shit really!

I won't get any New Year good wishes or texts. Anyone the same?
Original poster
GonetoseedoverXmas · 31/12/2018 21:30

New Year is a funny old time in a way. I feel a bit stressed that another year has passed and I'm not as far on with career etc as I should be ideally. Actually depressingly far behind.

OP posts:
HowOftenDoYouClean · 31/12/2018 21:38

Me i literally have 0 i didnt get a single merry christmas for like 3-4 days after i sent the text

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 21:40

Not many for me either.

A lot of lonely people tonight, I think.

Original poster
GonetoseedoverXmas · 31/12/2018 21:55

Why is there such a perception of everyone having lots of friends though? When it's clearly not like that for everyone?

It's not that people have perfect lives, I don't mean the Instagram bullshit. But that the 'normal' thing is a cosy circle of friends. I don't know.

OP posts:
Snugglepiggy · 31/12/2018 21:56

I was thinking about this earlier.I am lucky to have my lovely DH and my adult DCs .We're in touch with them every day by phone or whatsapp.In fact I do have a few good friends,but not locally and can go weeks between contact.But I know they would be there for me if needed.But my phone won't be buzzing with messages.
I think a lot of us feel everyone else has many more friends,whereas in reality most of us just have acquaintances .As much my own fault as I'm rather a homebird,and like my dogs and garden over parties and lots of socialising.And a few of my adult friendships have proved to be not as genuine or true as Id have hoped.Happy New Year to you OP and all of you.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 21:56

OP because no one actually says ‘I did nothing and felt lonely’.

They say ‘oh I just chilled’ or ‘I kept it lowkey’. So you don’t actually know what is going on.

That’s my guess anyway.

UniversallyUnchallenged · 31/12/2018 21:59

OP from this house to yours, happy new year and best wishes x

jessstan2 · 31/12/2018 22:03

Aw bless. I'll talk to you on here along with all the others who got here before me.

It's my birthday today! I have a cold but all in all, not too bad.

Flowers WineCake and Bear
xxxxxx

PinkSquidgyPig · 31/12/2018 22:19

Somewhereovertherainbow
I'm so sad you've lost friends like this.
My husband has depression too. It's not overwhelming every part of our lives, but does affect things.
But I've told most friends, I feel this gives me support. Has enabled friends to feel easier to disclose their own struggles with depression and 'normalises' it. Makes it just another part of who he is. I try not to let it change who I am as I don't that would help him/our family.
Maybe you could think about telling friends? It can feel scary, but there's every chance it'll work out well for you (and by extension, him too. 💖).

Newlea · 31/12/2018 22:39

OP, what you are going through is common. The part about your mun is sad and I am not sure if that is something you can work on alongside your career. This should make you feel more positive about things.

I was fairly low some months ago and posted on MN about it. Since then my relationship with DH has grown stronger. I exercise regularly and this has stopped me from feeling low. I also host a lot of parties / playdates at home even if this isn't reciprocated. I don't care about it. I find people don't invite others around much because of the work involved as opposed to not liking them.
So I am happy to do the work of hosting as it means it keeps me happy. I call people often even though they don't call me. But they are happy to talk to me when I call, so that is good enough for me. Small steps.
You need to make it happen. Also earlier i hid the fact that my family isn't close to others. Not sure why, maybe embarrassee. Now I am.open about it. I say my parents and siblings are busy and too preoccupied to spend time with me
I find my friends open up to me more after I have said this.

brusselsproutfan · 31/12/2018 22:47

Me too. I got 1 text on Xmas Day from a friend but she's more of an acquaintance as I can't rely on her for anything although we've been friends for 7 years.
Tomorrow she might send a text and that'll be the only person, no other family or other friends. It's sad and makes me sad I'm not as popular as I feel I should be.

HerRoyalNotness · 31/12/2018 23:03

I get you. I wish you a happy new year filled with better friends.

I went through a hurricane that devastated our city, DH was overseas and I was alone with 2 kids and a 5mth old. Not one person initiated contact with me. I was checking up on everyone I knew. Received nothing in the first instance. I’ve tightened up my friendship group a lot, whittled it down to a very few friends that I will give my time to, incl deleting FB connections with them.

seeingdouble2 · 31/12/2018 23:17

I feel the same Op, I thought it was just me then other mn posters said the same, I thought I was alone in how I felt, feels better knowing I'm not alone in a funny kind of way FlowersCakeWine

WhatOnEarthDoIDoNow · 31/12/2018 23:20

I'm in exactly the same boat OP and it sucks. I'm currently being 'ghosted' by a friend because according to his sister he is confused and conflicted about how he feels towards me. Which I get that sort of thing is confusing and hard especially when he is already having a crappy time at home for Christmas but I also know he has responded to other friends messages so I'm more annoyed because it's just rude. I'm debating on if it's a good idea to message him to wish him a Happy New Year or not especially as I'll be sending his sister a message to wish her a Happy New Year as well. Can't decide if sending it after a lack of response to my prior message will make me look needy and spineless or the bigger person, but then I also run the risk of offending him if his sister mentions it to him.

Jitters22 · 31/12/2018 23:26

I'm completely on my own here, won't get any texts or messages from anyone, and I'm not remotely bothered.

I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago and I'm not sorry about it. If he were around, it would just be to the two of us anyway - last year we went for a meal and then to the pub for a bit - but to be honest I prefer being here by myself.

Both my kids are grown up with steady partners, and although they still live at home they are off out doing their own thing which is fine by me. They will be staying out all night and no doubt I will see them sometime tomorrow, but if I don't - again, it doesn't bother me.

I don't even have a drink .. and will toast the new year in with a cup of tea.

WhatOnEarthDoIDoNow · 01/01/2019 00:30

Happy New Year to you all from your virtual friend, sending virtual hugs and cake and whatever tipple takes your fancy.