to feel we're in some kind of meltdown after my father-in-law died?

[marvik]

My father in law died in November. He was 97, had moderate to severe dementia and had been living in a care home for the last year.

I'd been very involved with his care although the main responsibility was my husband's. My own father died ten years ago so I had come to think of my father in law as a kind of father to me. He was kind and affectionate towards me.

When he died I was involved in helping to organise the funeral and the 'do' afterwards, as well as trying to support our daughter and my stepchildren for whom it was really their first experience of loss. (When other elderly relatives had died, they'd been so young they had barely taken it in and/or couldn't remember the relatives.)

Although obviously, the major loss is my husband's, I think he found the burden of looking after him very heavy. He'd sometimes get angry about the fact that he had this responsibility because his father - a drinker and smoker - lived such a long time. He was very brisk and matter of fact after his father died. Concerned mostly with the practical arrangements, sorting probate etc. He then fell ill in the period immediately before Xmas - perhaps as a result of the stress. He was a bit difficult to look after at this time, because he hates being ill.

I saw the New Year as a chance to move forward to a happier place. A few weeks ago we had agreed that one thing we would do is plan a holiday together to a place I'd enjoy - with some of the money from my father in law's estate. (My husband knows that I tend to like walking in beautiful landscape and get easily overwhelmed by crowded places and big cities.) This would be a sort of 'thank you' from my husband in acknowledgement of the practical help and emotional support I'd given him over the last couple of months,

So yesterday we went for a walk and I asked him about his hopes for the New Year, and what he might do now that his father's estate was getting sorted out.. He said he was planning to go to Spain for a month on his own to study Spanish and board with a Spanish family to increase his fluency. But that he also wanted us to go to New York.

Sometimes I feel as if we're not really married at all. If that makes sense. Does it?

He is in a mess
Which is shit for you obviously
But is having a post caring and post death meltdown possible ?

My advice ? Do your own shit and focus on you for a while and keep yourself happy whilst he handles the waves xxx

As a really dull aside, don't underestimate how long it may be until you actually have the money anyway. I've lost two grandparents in the last five years (on opposite sides of the family), each of whom left a reasonably sized but fairly straightforward estate (both including property). It was over a year before I received inheritance from the first, and after almost a year, I'm yet to receive from the second, partly because their houses (each had been living at home when they died) had to be sold. So you may have quite a while until decisions can actually be made.

I should perhaps add that my own father was a very damaging character. Although seeing his final illness and witnessing his death did affect me, I didn't grieve for him or mourn in a conventional sense. He had been a violent and angry person. My mother enabled this behaviour. This is perhaps one reason why I do mourn my father-in-law, who - despite having made numerous mistakes as a parent when my husband was young - was a much gentler mellower character by the time I met him. He was kind to me, in a way that neither of my own parents are/were. So while the loss is obviously primarily my husband's, he does not want to feel the loss at present. While I am perhaps more conscious of my own (lesser) sense of bereavement. Mumsnet is a place in which people often find their in-laws very difficult. While caring for my father-in-law/accessing care for him had real challenges and his memory loss meant that our communication became diminished in some ways, he and I had a pretty good relationship.

I think with grief, there’s no right and wrong. You’re having to deal with the grief of losing you’re FIL and it’s bringing back memories of losing your own father (and he doesn’t sound a particular nice person), so all those feelings are surfacing for you.
You’re Dh will be dealing with things in a completely different way and you have to let him process it all, including a huge feeling of what should have been.

I don’t understand who you can’t just ask your H why he’s changed his mind about the walking holiday. Tell him you were looking forward to it. Maybe he doesn’t want to do that just now and you could arrange to do it next year?

I think I'm a bit confused re my husband's mind change LizzieSiddal. It seems that before Xmas he had very briefly mentioned a destination where we might go on an enjoyable holiday in the New Year. But at that point we were quite busy with sorting out Xmas stuff so I said let's talk about it after Xmas. Then just after Xmas I was looking up something on the ipad we both use and there were all these searches to do with residential language courses and hiring flats. So the next day I asked him about New Year plans and that's when he came up with the stuff about wanting to spend a month away studying and to go to New York. He didn't mention the earlier destination. I did talk with him then about the fact I tended to like more relaxing rural holidays - so if he was doing the month away, perhaps a week in the sort of place we both liked would be my preference. But I suppose it felt a bit weird that he didn't ask anything about how I'd feel about him taking a month to go away and do his own thing. Obviously he doesn't need my permission. But it would have been nice if he'd enquired. So I suppose it all felt a bit mixed and jarring somehow.

so his inheritance money is all his ? is there no joint family theme in your marriage? I can see that him spending his inheritance uniquely on himself is "jarring", did you get any inheritance? what did you spend it on ?

Actually, I think now is not the time to read too much into anything. You seem to have had a long and happy marriage. In your circumstances where you have both had years of caring, it takes time to find a new norm and in a sense how to cope with the freedom. I assume dh is retired? If so, up to now, the freedom he was hoping for has eluded him. He has obviously got his own "to do" list. Maybe he didn't consult because it's his own idea and he doesn't want anyone else to comment.
In your shoes, wave him off with a smile. He will come back either full of the joys or at least appreciative of you and his home.
Once he is back, remind him of your choice of holiday and book it.

Although I had a good relationship with my father in law, he was very much a 'blood is thicker than water' type. His will drawn up with the assistance of my husband, while his dementia was starting to increase - but while he still had capacity made the following provisions. The main part of his 'estate' was split euqlly between his two sons. (My brother in law lives abroad and was not involved in his father's care.) There were also three specific equal bequests to my two stepchildren and to my daughter. These are four figure sums - middle of the range.

Because I was involved in clearing up the room in his care home, I adopted his very neglected houseplants. Two of them have died, but of the remaining two, one - a Xmas cactus - is now flowering. I regard this as my own personal bequest/inheritance/whatever - and will repot it in the spring.

Yes, I think the advice about seeing where my husband and I are when we're a bit further down the road is realistic and helpful.

Six months, as suggested above, is nothing. Apparently it takes a couple of years to properly process a major bereavement.