to feel we're in some kind of meltdown after my father-in-law died?

[marvik]

My father in law died in November. He was 97, had moderate to severe dementia and had been living in a care home for the last year.

I'd been very involved with his care although the main responsibility was my husband's. My own father died ten years ago so I had come to think of my father in law as a kind of father to me. He was kind and affectionate towards me.

When he died I was involved in helping to organise the funeral and the 'do' afterwards, as well as trying to support our daughter and my stepchildren for whom it was really their first experience of loss. (When other elderly relatives had died, they'd been so young they had barely taken it in and/or couldn't remember the relatives.)

Although obviously, the major loss is my husband's, I think he found the burden of looking after him very heavy. He'd sometimes get angry about the fact that he had this responsibility because his father - a drinker and smoker - lived such a long time. He was very brisk and matter of fact after his father died. Concerned mostly with the practical arrangements, sorting probate etc. He then fell ill in the period immediately before Xmas - perhaps as a result of the stress. He was a bit difficult to look after at this time, because he hates being ill.

I saw the New Year as a chance to move forward to a happier place. A few weeks ago we had agreed that one thing we would do is plan a holiday together to a place I'd enjoy - with some of the money from my father in law's estate. (My husband knows that I tend to like walking in beautiful landscape and get easily overwhelmed by crowded places and big cities.) This would be a sort of 'thank you' from my husband in acknowledgement of the practical help and emotional support I'd given him over the last couple of months,

So yesterday we went for a walk and I asked him about his hopes for the New Year, and what he might do now that his father's estate was getting sorted out.. He said he was planning to go to Spain for a month on his own to study Spanish and board with a Spanish family to increase his fluency. But that he also wanted us to go to New York.

Sometimes I feel as if we're not really married at all. If that makes sense. Does it?

It sounds as if he uses activities to distract himself from grief and sadness. Sorting out probate, practical things that need doing, buying a coat....

He won't have had time to come to terms with his father's death yet. The new coat was possibly a symbolic gesture that he can start to concentrate more on his own needs now.

Maybe at the moment he just isn't ready to envisage himself going on a quiet rambling style holiday, and is looking at holidays where he will be kept busy and have places to visit. He just isn't necessarily ready to talk yet - you are going to have to let his thoughts on his father come out at the pace that he can manage. Does he feel under pressure to talk before he is ready? Maybe that is why he suggested the Spanish holiday alone.

If he is like this, the best thing to do is help him keep busy, and be patient until he is ready to talk. It may be a long time, but it will happen eventually.

I have lost my own father. I was the only person with him when he died.

My daughter was ten at the time and - while it was an extraordinarily difficult time - I also carried on doing all the things that needed to be done in terms of work, parenting, step-parenting

Yes, I do need to try and reflect on what my husband may be feeling and thinking. Grief is real, even when the person who died was so ill and old that it absolutely was their time.

The only thing I'd say is that it is rather more difficult to make due allowances when the most immediately bereaved person is in what seems like near-total denial that this loss has any impact on them, - other than there has been a lot of practical tasks to carry out.

And yes, you're probably right about my husband wanting to choose busy, distracting places. He's a bit like that anyway - and probably more so in the aftermath of his father's death.

ExFury that was beautifully expressed

I think she has it, op - if I were you, I would keep on being there as you've been doing, and start looking in to the kind of trip you'd enjoy so that if he decides he is going to Spain, you can spend some/all of that time getting your needs met.

@marvik, people are different, and have different ways of processing things.

But yes, it's hard on you when the other person won't accept that he's not OK.

I think what you should do is rather a matter of not doing - just take a step back and give your husband space and time, and deal with your own grief (which is very real too). Be there for him when/if he needs you, but otherwise leave him to himself, as that's the way he seems to be coping with it.

If he comes up with plans that sound selfish, don't take it too personally, but do tell him that you need a holiday too, so plans should be compatible with that.

Best of luck. It's a hard time. And I'm very sorry for your loss

Thank you DistanceCall.

I’m wondering if you are not getting ressentful that his grief and your grief are treated differently.

When your dad died, life carried on. You still did all the things you were supposed to do. There was no ‘going away for a month in your own’. And from what you are saying not a lot of emotional support from your DH. Sadness, grief, anger, all that had to be put aside to out a brave front for your dd, dcs etc...

And now that it’s your DH ‘turn’ to loose his father, he gets to be selfish, to forget that you don’t like busy places, to be frumpy etc... and you should support him and accept because he is grieving.

Everyone's grief is personal to them & often silent.
My dad died, I carried on, dealt with the kids, did the usual things, my H was totally unaware that I had an open hole of grief in my heart that made even breathing hurt. My Mum died, I felt nothing.....
Some people move on, with pragmatism, thankfully oblivious of any pain. Some people get depressed & indeed never recover. Some people want to be left alone with their thoughts, & don't want to flail over their feelings.

You feel he has to share his thoughts. It's not a competition.

He's an arse.

He's selfish. He wants to do the things he felt you caring for his father stopped him doing and bugger everyone else.

It's not grief, it's selfishness.

Exfury . What you say really resonates with me. DH was devastated when his father died. Broke his heart at the funeral yet in reality his father had treated him very badly and their relationship was poor. I’ve always thought he was grieving the father he wanted but never had.

Going off for a month is another issue, as is a holiday in NYC,

Denial is the first stage of grief. This is a very recent bereavement and it sounds as if there are a lot of complicated emotions swirling round. A month alone somewhere completely different will probably help him sort his head out. A holiday you can share together can come later.

By the way, I found losing my second parent harder than the first. The world changed completely.

Looking back to the New Years Eve eleven years ago, we were talking about the things that happened and one of the things my husband said was 'At least nobody died...'

I was startled. In late spring that year my father had died. My husband had driven me up the motorway to the hospice on Sunday and fetched me from there late on Monday after my father's death. I had spent Sunday night sleeping on a fold-down chair by my father's side and was the only person sitting with him when he took his final breath on Monday afternoon. The other members of my family had gone for a rest or to catch trains. It was - to put it mildly - a big experience to witness the ending of life.

It was very peculiar to me that my partner could somehow have deleted this from his mind.

Then on the breakfast of the morning my father in law died, my husband was saying in a frustrated way that he really wanted to get to the gym and he was going to try and go early because my stepchildren were arriving to see their grandfather, and it was impossible to find time to get to the gym. I said to him, couldn't he let things go. This was going to be the last weekend of his father's life, and couldn't he just slow down a bit and allow that to be the most important thing. He'd be free to go to the gym whenever he wanted very soon indeed. In the meantime shouldn't he phone the care home to see how his father was doing - because his children might be very shocked to see how ill their grandfather was

He acknowledged there was something in this and decided to walk to the care home rather than phone. When he got there he found the paramedics with his father, who would have died just a few minutes after and I had been having this conversation.

Sorry to burden you all with this.

I think you need to be honest about what you want /need in the way of a holiday. In terms of how he's grieving, he sounds somewhat like my husband, whose mother died 18 months ago. He was absolutely fine for months. And then he gradually kind of crumpled over the next year (including losing a big patch of hair which has since grown back). I know exactly what you mean about running out of emotional energy to support him but if you feel like that you still need to leave him to his own grief. You can't expect him to be able to support you emotionally now. I found that focusing on my own stuff, and the kids, while not exploding with rage at DH's often weird and selfish behaviour was the best I could do at times. You don't have to like it but you may have to put up with it (or leave - but I wouldn't want to do that).

This is complicated because your husband is not only experiencing the loss of his actual father but also the father he would have liked him to be. That could make him feel confused, bitter, detached, angry or all sorts of emotion.

I think you need to protect your own feelings OP. Be mindful of his grief of course, but be kind to yourself too.

OP, you’ve had some really good advice n here from bestiswest and exfury. But, Christ almighty. This is about the third thread I’ve read recently where recently bereaved men are called bastards, dicks and arses and selfish for letting a bereavement to affect them in any way at all.

It’s just mind boggling that there are such vile, excreble people out there that actually think that’s reasonable or okay.

I’m guessing the death of his dad has encouraged him to re-evaluate his own life, including possibly even your place in it. Rather than focus on what he’s doing, focus on your relationship.

Your husband is clearly still grieving and dealing with the obviously very very difficult relationship he had with his father. He is not you. His reaction isn't the same as yours. His relationship with his father isn't your relationship with your father. His actions before and after his father's death point to a man who is struggling. Cut him some slack. Be kind to one another.

My thoughts entirely, Augusta. There are some nasty pieces of work on MN.

Your DH isn't thinking straight OP.

Probably the worst grief in this complicated, serious bereavement, is DH's grief for the father he never had. Not counting his grief for the imperfect-but-loved father he knew, that man's cruel destruction through dementia, and the demented man he knew in his final years.

Horrible for him. If you're getting into analysing feelings, his are a good place to start.

I've thought about him. I've tried talking to him. It's pretty much like a brick wall. He doesn't wish to discuss the past or - as he put it - 'to psycho-analyse himself.'

But at the moment I don't feel he wants my sympathy or empathy - or really perceives any need for me to express such qualities. He did appreciate my practical help in terms of organising the funeral.

That's about it though. I've suggested he continues to think about his travel plans now that he is free from responsibility for caring for his father and that he keeps me posted about what he wants to do - either in terms of solo trips for language learning, or any possible joint trips - as his ideas start to clarify.

That is really nice of you. It must be incredibly annoying having to live with someone who is closing off, but it seems that's how he's dealing with it (not uncommon and not easy).

And you would be forgiven for thinking that after all the stress of caring for the DF, life would brighten a bit after the funeral. It will brighten, of course it will, but maybe give it a bit more time.

No one knows how grief hits a person, not even DH, you just have to put up with it. Sorry. It's a really hard time for both of you.

If I were you, I would plan a lovely day off all about you. Things will improve later in the year - six months is a good benchmark.

OP you lost your father 10 years ago, your DH lost his days ago, it’s not the same thing at all, you need to step back from the ‘I lost my Dad too’ mantra. you have had 10 years of coping/grieving/healing, give your DH space to do his own grieving, I still think he’ a selfish Dick, but every post you have brought up your own loss, when really it’s not about you right now, it’s about Him.