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AIBU?

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Original poster

Secret £16k debt?

78 replies

Whoishe · 31/12/2018 14:14

Posting here for traffic and I’ve nc’d as dh knows I use this site.

Basically, I have recently discovered a secret debt of my dh’s which amounts to around £16k. He says that he just went out for a lot of meals/drinks/had takeaways over the course of a year. He literally has nothing to show for his debts.
Are there any legitimate reasons for this kind of debt? My head is screaming gambling/drugs!

OP posts:
NikiFree · 31/12/2018 15:37

OW?

tryingtomoveon10 · 31/12/2018 15:38

It's sad to see how many people are saying with such confidence that it must be drugs and prostitutes. Unless and until OP has evidence for that, stop being so dismissive. I'd say give OP's DH a break too, unless and until it's shown he's done something illicit, but I fear I'd get a backlash...

Yes, keeping it secret was wrong, but have some compassion and empathy. He might need help, not judgement and scorn.

faintlyridiculous · 31/12/2018 15:41

Ta1kin I'm sure there are lots of quicker and easier ways to repay, my point was that whilst it sounds a lot it’s not something unmanageable - and if it is unmanageable there are still ways to deal with the issue. Many people get massively stuck on how much money is owed and I wanted to say there are always ways and means of coping.

Whois sounds like the debt thread are somewhere to go and find out what he can do and find some support. Best of luck.

Ta1kinPeace · 31/12/2018 15:42

Yes, keeping it secret was wrong, but have some compassion and empathy. He might need help, not judgement and scorn.
THIS
Hidden debt becomes a source of shame
so the secrecy feeds on itself
and often the relief of exposure
heals the finances and the relationship
(not always, but often)

LunaTheCat · 31/12/2018 15:43

OP what an awful situation. I would be very very angry. I would ask to see statements.
I am also angry also called financial institutions who allow this sort debt in people who will obviously struggle to pay off
It sounds like there are some wonderful people here who have dealt with this issue either for themselves or their partners. 💐 to them.

Ta1kinPeace · 31/12/2018 15:45

faintly
Very true
and support rather than shaming and rubber necking is what the OP needs now
as does her DH

FWIW I have a former tax client who ran up £25,000 on a credit card
in one night
in a casino
while drunk
he went bankrupt Hmm and his wife threw him out Grin
I still talk to both of them Smile

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 15:47

I'd want to see statements. I'm amazed how common this is from what people are saying. Have never had credit card debt and worked/work really hard with my teens on money skills.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/12/2018 15:47

I think I could probably run up that much with little to show for it over the course of a year. Especially if I was prone to 'treating' my friends at meals or buying rounds which could really add up!

He may very well have also used this card to fuel up his car or buy transit tickets, brought home takeaways or other things that you might have assumed were bought with family money.

I agree with seeing the statements.

KanielOutis · 31/12/2018 15:48

I'm one of those who racked up ££££ in debt. It's easy to do, and so hard to pay off. The best thing I did was go on a CAP money management course. Go right back to basics and learn how to budget and spend from scratch.

Gth1234 · 31/12/2018 15:49

gambling, or an affair, I would think.
Maybe none of these. maybe just struggling so much with managing household expenditure that a lot has gone on a secret card.

IBelieveHerWhyDontYou · 31/12/2018 15:52

Not necessarily gambling.
An ex-colleague would live beyond her means by overspending each month, buying food in Ocado/Waitrose, new BMW or Audi every 2/3 years and buying anything from her house in John Lewis. She giggled when she told me she had £20k debt on 3 credit cards. Easily done if you bury your head in the sand.

Speak to DH, you need to resolve this sooner rather than later.

LuckyLou7 · 31/12/2018 15:53

It's a big debt, certainly, but as long as you are both working, it can be paid off relatively quickly. I wouldn't assume a gambling or drug problem - it's easy to rack up debt simply by being too extravagant. When I was younger, I used to use my credit card as if it wasn't real money and treated myself and the DC to stuff I couldn't really afford, meals out, weekends away and so on. It took me 2 years to get debt free. Now my credit card is for emergencies only.

BrokenWing · 31/12/2018 15:53

£300 on average consistently over a year is something significant. Don't let him fob you off with poor explanations.

DSIL did this to DBIL, £30k with no real explanation. Their marriage limped on for a couple of painful years after it but couldn't recover and they eventually separated. He thinks she was subsidising her mum/sister staying in their family home but she wouldn't admit to it.

He's been caught, time to come 100% clean, not feed you stories until he finds one you'll accept. If he doesn't fess up now you just cant trust him again.

thebaronetofcockburn · 31/12/2018 15:54

Kaniel, my eldest took that course with her fiance. They didn't have any debts but it's really put them on the right track and now DD2 is going to do it, too.

NameChanger22 · 31/12/2018 15:58

I know of people who can spend £300 on one night out.

PedunculatedPolp · 31/12/2018 16:05

Have a look on money saving expert website. This will give you lots of tips and tricks. Go through the statements with a fine tooth comb. You need access to everything.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 31/12/2018 16:05

I certainly haven’t noticed anything and haven’t been treated to any meals etc. We have a toddler and I work from home. He works shifts and is rarely here. I’ll be asking to see statements in the next couple of days.

So best case scenario he has fucked off out doing practically none of the parenting / housework leaving it all to you whilst he spends £300 a week having lovely meals out and drinks. And now you as a family are going to have to go without to pay for all these meals and drinks that he never invited you to and left you to do all the work whilst he enjoyed them.

That’s a pretty shitty “best case” to be blunt.

SillySallySingsSongs · 31/12/2018 16:16

Have never had credit card debt and worked/work really hard with my teens on money skills.

Sorry but it is really naive to think it won't happen to them because of this.

WidoWanky · 31/12/2018 16:28

A massive chunk of that will be interest. Especially if he is only making the minimum repayments. My ex did this, a couple of times. It isnt drugs, gambling, prostitutes...its an initial 100 quid that escalates quicker than you think.

My ex frittered money - city priced pub lunches, no #3 meal deal for him and he wouldnt be seen dead taking lunch from home. An expensive aftershave, new phone or gadget. It is a very selfish way to be and very hard to live with.

Get this moved to zero interest cards asap. Have a very strong talk with him. Its easy to fall back into the habit and you have to decide whether you can live with this again and again.

Do not have joint accounts with this man. If you decide to go it alone you need to be able to leave him AND his debts behind.

Curious2468 · 31/12/2018 16:55

I would assume gambling too. I know someone who has burnt through over 150k doing this 😬

Aridane · 31/12/2018 17:17

Ta1kinPeace speaks sense!

OohBabyBabeh · 31/12/2018 17:17

Gambling. My oh had around 7k from his gambling problem.

Ta1kinPeace · 31/12/2018 17:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BishBoshBashBop · 31/12/2018 17:31

either way this thread needs to be off AIBU before the fizzy corks start popping

Not your decision to make. Hmm

amusedbush · 31/12/2018 17:39

Have never had credit card debt and worked/work really hard with my teens on money skills.

My parents have never had any ‘frivolous’ debt (nothing outside of mortgage, loan for a new roof, etc. They didn’t even get a brand new car until they were both in their 50s) and are obsessive savers. My mum really laid into me about money management as a teen... see my above post about how that turned out. There’s no guarantee of your teens not doing what I did.