Secret £16k debt?

[Whoishe]

Posting here for traffic and I’ve nc’d as dh knows I use this site.

Basically, I have recently discovered a secret debt of my dh’s which amounts to around £16k. He says that he just went out for a lot of meals/drinks/had takeaways over the course of a year. He literally has nothing to show for his debts.
Are there any legitimate reasons for this kind of debt? My head is screaming gambling/drugs!

Yes I think your reaction depends on his paper trail.

That's a lot in a year. - has he paid for holidays ?

Yes, get the statements so you can find out where the money has gone. Otherwise he might still be spending at the same rate.

I suspect there might have been a big one-off payment there somewhere, God knows for what. Maybe he was even defrauded?

Sorry but racking up £16K on bits and bobs and meals and clothes is not just spending a bit outside your means; that's ridiculous.

It's either a gambling problem, or he has another family somewhere who he he spending it on!

I know a couple this happened to - he racked up £9K in a year with gambling. They worked on it and he got help, but they still own £7K of the money.

This is why - IMO - married couples should have joint accounts and joint finances. Both of you have full access to everything, and neither one can withdraw anything, or take a loan or credit card out without the other knowing about it/having to agree to it.

I know some will disagree. But this is the kind of thing that happens when you and your husband have completely different finances. If you're a married couple, it weird to have separate finances IMO.

That was meant to say 'neither of you can withdraw anything more than £100 without the other's say so...'

My mom accumulated that kind of secret debt over the course of many years. She was using cards to buy us kids basic clothing and food because our father was financially abusive and didn’t think we needed those things.

You need to see statements, as PP say.

We had something similar with a family member and it was stupid stuff like visiting Pret for breakfast and lunch, plus coffees (almost £20 per weekday). Sneaking £20 pizzas every week when he was supposed to be playing football etc. Overpaying for a phone data plan (the overpay was £30 per month).

Lots of thoughtless, stupid items with nothing at all to show.

But - there was also a lot of financial deception and lying.

You won't know until you see statements. This family member was claiming to visit Pret once or twice a week while several transactions a day were showing up on the statements literally as his DW was looking at them.

He needs to be perfectly.honest and open about this. If he's shifty or 'lost' receipts etc you have a problem. Could there be an OW?

£16k spent in one year with nothing to show at the end of it? My mind automatically went to gambling, drugs and prostitutes. Sorry .

Dear @Whoishe
You are not alone.
Pop across to the Money boards and join in the big debt threads.
We have a couple of other posters who are still reeling from finding out that their DH had huge debts / their DH finding out about their huge debts.

There may well be a massive problem.
There may also be an entirely innocent explanation
but AIBU is not the place to run through it.

Choose a fresh name and come pull up a chair in the debt management corner
and we'll get you through this

Is he a gambler?

Have you posted about this before?

If not there is anothe poster who was in the same position and iirc the explanation was the same, that the debt had come from eating out etc, I don't think I read whether she found out the truth but I'd be sceptical too of such a high amount in a shortish time.

I'd bet there is something else going on

My DH did this to the tune of 40k about 10k is overspending on the same kind of things your DH is saying the rest is him being a bloody idiot and running up interest and fees as he was trying to hide it he wouldn't set up direct debits and kept missing paymants. I've seen all his credit card statements now except one that they didn't send the first year so I'm waiting for that one. It was a hell of a shock for me and I understand where you are coming from I was convinced he had been gambling or having an affair but no he's just an idiot with money and I was bloody stupid and nieve and believed everything he told me about our finances!

It's definitely possible. Don't assume the worst. It's very easy for a small debt to spiral. Just because he's hidden it from you doesn't necessarily mean he's racked up the debt for illicit purposes; he could well be embarrassed, ashamed and trying to find a way out of it without bringing you and your DC into it.

Ask to see his bank statements, ask him outright what it is, but go into it with an open mind - remember, he might be struggling mentally and need some professional help. Debt is terrible for causing mental health issues so try to be supportive, but firm - he needs to know you're there for him and can help him through it, but that whatever he's doing has to stop.

Patti
Your question has been answered in the post below yours !
The OP is probably fresh to this nightmare
and she is definitely not alone

If he's out drinking one night a week that could easily come in around £100 plus

Very easy if you add holidays into the mix.

If he refuses to show statements I would suspect gambling, drugs, prostitutes.

If he does show statements look for patterns in cash withdrawals.

If he works shifts and is never home, I would guess prostitutes. Check of lots of the transactions are cash withdrawals, because if so, that's what it will be.

And this is why I hate money threads on AIBU
FFS
He could be buying basic stuff for his kids and earning less than the OP thinks
but no
the AIBU gang have to scare her with drugs and prostitutes

Does it matter that much where the debt came from? It's still a substantial hidden debt, whether from coke or curry. He's still proven himself untrustworthy and dishonest.

It’s very easy for this kind of debt be run up with nothing to show for it and in very little time. I spent the better part of a decade working with the over-indebted and this story was oh so common. I’d have 21 year olds with tens of thousands of pounds of debt and nothing to show for it. Analysis of their statements would show £100 here and £50 there on exactly what your DH says.

I know the amount seems like a lot but it isn’t the end of the world. Lots of places will help you to set up payment schemes if you can’t afford to pay it off as it falls due, and there are also the more formal insolvency procedures if you need them.

I think the bigger problem, as many PP say, is the keeping it a secret. I can’t fathom why or how he has done that. Secretive spending tends, ime, to be on the bigger ticket items or on problems like gambling/affairs. You won’t know until you see the statements and even then the trust you have is damaged, though not insurmountably so.

If you never see him and he's spending money like that, he's not only probably up to all sorts but he's spectacularly selfish, too. I'm sure you could have done with some help (eg cleaning/babysitting) but he's spent that money on himself instead of thinking about what's best for his family.

faintlyridiculous
I know the amount seems like a lot but it isn’t the end of the world. Lots of places will help you to set up payment schemes if you can’t afford to pay it off as it falls due, and there are also the more formal insolvency procedures if you need them.
The Standing Order trick is faster and simpler

On the debt threads we now have folks who started it a couple of years back and have cleared tens of thousands of debt with no pain.