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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Someone I’m friends with posts things about people that are dead

67 replies

LardLizard · 31/12/2018 13:58

For example a mutual friend died just before she was forty

Friend posted on her birthday, raising a glass to x today would have been your 40th etc

And just before Xmas she posted a photo of an elderly person, saying about how she misses him not a relation and how she will be taking him a wreath on Xmas day...
It was the photo that me extra uncomfortable as it was a photo of an elderly man eatting his dinner

And I know we are all Diogenes but it feels a bit intrusive and like not letting the person rest

Would you say anything. Or just ignore

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 31/12/2018 17:03

I don't mind posting on a deceased person's birthday (unless they're a grief vampire posting about someonecthey hardly know which is attention seeking). Posting photos of people who have died might be upsetting to their family, especially if they're not nice ones.

Lifecanbeabeach2 · 31/12/2018 17:29

There is nothing wrong or embarrassing about having a feeding tube btw. I would never be able to take a photo of my daughter otherwise. Not everyone is ashamed of them. Her photos are still nice

TabbyMumz · 31/12/2018 18:11

I'm sure I read a Mumsnet post last year where the family of the deceased were trying to get a facebook account of a deceased relative closed down as it was distressing, but fb wouldn't close it as the individual hadn't requested it before death. I do understand that some families find it comforting that friends remember their loved one, but I think we should also be mindful that other families ont like it on fb, and just want to move on.

silvercuckoo · 31/12/2018 20:58

I (and my friend group) have a friend who died very suddenly aged 19 from aortic rupture. A brilliant mind paired with a very unusual soul, I am sure he would be a world changer, for good or for bad (and not in a soapy teenage movie way) by now had he lived.

We are all approaching the second half of our thirties now, but we are always "inviting" him to all events on social media and keeping his wall tidy. In a certain way, we are still grieving. Maybe it does look weird to the outside world.

littlemeitslyn · 01/01/2019 00:00

Happy new year from the cats & I x

BanginChoons · 01/01/2019 00:19

I post about my daughter who has been gone 10 years this year. She is part of me, I think about her, she is on my mind. Her photo goes up once a year, on baby loss rememberance day in November. We celebrate her birthday, buy her a tree at xmas. Remembering her isn't stopping her from resting, it's reminding the world she existed. It's hard, when the rest of the world moves on and leaves your loved one behind.
Have you ever lost anyone you loved, OP? People grieve differently from one another, and thats ok.

TabbyMumz · 01/01/2019 10:53

Do you talk to her "through" facebook, Bangin?, so as everyone can see? I'm thinking your case is different to the one op talks about. Nobody can dictate to you how you grieve for your own child.

The lady I know, posts literally every two days to her deceased relative. This morning she has posted again, telling them how she will keep her promise to them of looking after their other relative and what a good Christmas they had etc even though they are still heartbroken. I know we can just scroll on and ignore it, but it's on the internet for everyone to see for evermore, like a permanent record. And its like they are trying to show they are the most upset out of the whole family, which of course isn't true. People do grieve in different ways, but I feel this is competitive showing off grieving.

Rachelle3211 · 01/01/2019 14:18

But you are the one making it a competition. Who cares that she posts every two days? Does this somehow impact your own grieving?

ChloeCrawfor · 01/01/2019 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TabbyMumz · 01/01/2019 14:44

Rachelle....Yes it does impact on our grieving because of what she posts.....things the deceased is supposed to have said to her whilst dying etc....making out she had the closest relationship with the deceased above everyone else's. She has even said the deceased said to her she loved her from the minute she met her 9 years ago....when she's only known her 6 years. She doesn't seem to take on board that in that period of time, the deceased loved many people, including blood relatives which are undoubtedly closer to her than this lady. We aren't making it a competition because we haven't posted a single thing about thus lady on fb. We don't think it is our place to do so. The deceased wasn't even on fb. Just because we don't post on there about grieving, doesn't mean we don't grieve. Also, because this lady has a huge following on fb, most of the sympathy messages have gone to her and not to closer family members. We have had one sympathy card.

smurfy2015 · 01/01/2019 15:29

I hate all this. A old school friend of mine does this each year at the date of another friends anniversary. He tags 4 friends in his post (I am one) and how much he misses John. Again someone who sat beside him in maths class. He isn't such a prick the rest of the time just in relation to this so that's why i haven't unfriended

John died when we we're all 20/21 sadly by his own hand. 22 years ago. Me and 3 friends were going home from a night out and decided to go the long way round. This took us past Johns house sadly moments afterwards and hearing a car along the quiet road his distraught mother flagged us down to help, she hadn't seen him at that point but knew it was bad. We all used our 1st aid training from school to try keep him breathing and stem the flow of blood, we passed a look between ourselves that said we can't save him but we need to keep trying for the family sake who were standing in shock. The paramedics called it within 5 mins of their arrival.

It's become a running joke now with fb post from this other friend who tags us 4 as if he was there about how life has changed without John and how he should have been a better friend thru school,

The 4 of us meet up on the anniversary each year even if somebody has to skype / FaceTime in with his family and his brother (and now his family) as all our lives changed that night and share a drink to John in his absence.

We don't post about it but we do have a bit of a laugh at this other person.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 02/01/2019 07:00

Thats slightly different smurfy it sounds like the person your talkimg about is a grief vulture.

Original poster

LardLizard · 02/01/2019 08:46

Thought about all you’ve said and I’ll just decided to scroll on by
I’m not going to delete her as she is nice in rl

OP posts:

WellThisIsShit · 02/01/2019 13:01

Oh.

I hope people don’t think I’m pathetic or ignorant or whatever belittling adjective fits, when I post on my sisters death day and her birthday in a few days.

That just adds to the pain.

I’m sorry if I’m irritating people. I guess it shouldn’t be shown anywhere that my heart will be breaking as it does every year?

Why is my sister so worthless that she’s not even allowed to be mentioned now? Or I’d it me that is worthless and my inconvenient grief?

It seems so cruel that the world goes on already without her, but to silence even a mention of her or what happened to her?

It hurts that people would want to erase her, and by extension the love I have for her and the grief I have because of that love.

But maybe you’re not allowed to grieve for more than a year, and I’m embarrassing and pissing people off by my inconvenient messiness of raw feeling. My Facebook posts don’t go on about it. But they mark the days. They mention it and they cry out for her passing.

Or should I stfu and post about kittens or something instead? And make everyone else more comfortable?

TheNewYear · 02/01/2019 13:15

YABU. It’s just how some people grieve.

it feels a bit intrusive and like not letting the person rest for some people keeping the dead person’s memory alive is very important. My baby daughter died and whilst I don’t tend to post about my family in any capacity on Facebook, I have many friends I have met through various support groups like SANDS and it is how some people cope. I do have lots of reminders about her and her short life in my house and as a family we often talk about her and light a candle in church for her at Christmas time. It’s just what makes getting through the days easier for us. It’s really not kind to judge those who are dealing with their grief the best way they can to get through the days.

TheNewYear · 02/01/2019 13:16

@WellThisIsShit

LeeBird · 02/01/2019 13:21

I actually did it at Christmas. Not sure what came over me, but I wrote on still-active FB profile of my close friend, who took own life on Boxing day last year. I still do not have a heart to block her FB, and sometimes go on her page to see her pictures. So on Boxing day I just wrote on her wall how much I miss her and hope she is in peace. Deleted that post yesterday, as felt a bit strange.
Friend is buried 2000 kilometres away, so can not go and visit easily, and FB post felt somehow...right on the anniversary of the passing.
I just hope I did not offend any of the relatives :(

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