Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Someone I’m friends with posts things about people that are dead

67 replies

LardLizard · 31/12/2018 13:58

For example a mutual friend died just before she was forty

Friend posted on her birthday, raising a glass to x today would have been your 40th etc

And just before Xmas she posted a photo of an elderly person, saying about how she misses him not a relation and how she will be taking him a wreath on Xmas day...
It was the photo that me extra uncomfortable as it was a photo of an elderly man eatting his dinner

And I know we are all Diogenes but it feels a bit intrusive and like not letting the person rest

Would you say anything. Or just ignore

OP posts:

BobLemon · 31/12/2018 14:29

YABU

WinterfellWench · 31/12/2018 14:31

Unless they are posting a pic of the person dead in their coffin, then why does it bother you?

Leave people alone! Just unfollow or unfriend them if they annoy you so much!

winsinbin · 31/12/2018 14:36

I doubt if anyone in the afterlife is concerned about unflattering photos of them on social media.

WinterfellWench · 31/12/2018 14:41

@Bombardier25666

Are you the dead people's police?

Made me laugh more than it should have!!!

I literally cannot see a single thing wrong with wishing someone a happy birthday who would have been 50 today (for example.)

If people did that to a relative of mine, I would be chuffed that they'd remembered them, and took the time to put a positive comment on.

As a pp said, some people need to deactivate their facebook if they get so bothered about stuff.

LostInShoebiz · 31/12/2018 14:50

What does we are all Diogenes mean?

TabbyMumz · 31/12/2018 15:02

I do find it a bit strange when people "talk" to people who have died through facebook, like they treat it as some sort of psychic medium. Would they put an ad in the paper saying the same thing? No, I don't think so. I tend to think it's purely a way of getting attention. As someone else said further up thread, it can also be upsetting for other family members. There is just something about it that doesn't feel right. A relative of mine does it, and I've known the deceased person she posts about endlessley for 20 years and I'm pretty certain she wouldn't want herself all over facebook.

Rachelle3211 · 31/12/2018 15:04

I post on one of my best friends pages every year on his birthday. So does his mom and sister and a couple of other best friends. We also post on fathers day remembering the short time he was a father before passing away unexpectedly. I can't decide if you have way too much time on your hands or simply fear someone posting an unflattering picture of you when you are dead.

Rachelle3211 · 31/12/2018 15:07

@Tabbymumz My friend's mom loves it that we post on his page and about him and remember him. It's been 8 years and it's awesome when people think of him and write messages or share little stories that popped into their about him. I love reading stories about him from people I might never know about.

Rachelle3211 · 31/12/2018 15:08

It's not about the dead person reading it it's about sharing our memories with other people who love and miss them too.

Timeandtideandbutteredeggs · 31/12/2018 15:10

I don't have Facebook so don't understand how it works. If someone dies does their page stay there indefinitely?

MakeItRain · 31/12/2018 15:12

It's never occurred to me that this might be offensive

I have occasionally posted some pictures of my dad or reshared photos/memories. I think it's just wanting to keep his memory alive. I've also posted "raising a glass" messages for him on my page and also for another lovely friend who died on his FB page a couple of times. I always think it's lovely to see other messages from his friends or family too, who still post from time to time.

This is the first time I've ever seen people saying they find this offensive or strange.

daisychain01 · 31/12/2018 15:12

I get you, OP I really do.

It would have been my DBro's birthday today, had he still been with us. I am bloody relieved I gave up Fb years ago (funnily enough, encouraged by DBro because we were both against all that Fb stands for) otherwise I would have had to stomach a load of grief vultures writing attention-seeking posts today about how sorry they are, how much they miss him yada yada - even though a lot of them couldn't have given a toss about him during his life (yes, they are of the "I remember us doing double-maths together").

I recommend anyone who finds Fb frustrating and intrusive to do what I did and deregister. It's given me back years of my life!

RangeRider · 31/12/2018 15:13

If people did that to a relative of mine, I would be chuffed that they'd remembered them, and took the time to put a positive comment on.
This ^^. It can mean a lot if someone takes the time to acknowledge that they still remember your relative - it's the same as saying 'they were great, they meant something, they're worth remembering'

GooseberryJam · 31/12/2018 15:14

it feels a bit intrusive and like not letting the person rest

The person is dead. It makes no difference to them whatsoever. If it comforts someone who is still alive, and doesn't offend anyone very close to them (and you don't sound like you're in this category, in either person's case) then it's fine. Who are you to be the arbiter of what is said about someone you distantly know?

Also, I hope you specifically ask every person in a photo for their permission to share it each and every time you do so via any means. And never ever share any image of any dead person.

TabbyMumz · 31/12/2018 15:14

Rachelle....the relative I know isnt posting on the deceased's page. They have never been on facebook, they are of an older generation and I know for a fact they didn't approve of the sort of stuff that this relative was writing about other deceased people, and now she is writing about them. In your case, the relatives seem to approve, but in the case I'm talking about, I know other family members dislike it and get distressed about it. In the past, people would have perhaps asked family members if they minded, but not any more.

ADastardlyThing · 31/12/2018 15:20

What would you say op?

daisychain01 · 31/12/2018 15:22

Timeandtide social media in general has grown organically and there haven't been any "rules" about what should happen to a deceased person's digital assets, ie social media and digital files that belonged to them during their life.

Increasingly people are making provision in their Will to ensure their online presence is correctly managed, such as ensuring their accounts are closed down and any photos and data files distributed according to their wishes.

Timeandtideandbutteredeggs · 31/12/2018 15:25

Thank you. That's very interesting

NotTerfNorCis · 31/12/2018 15:27

I think it's good to remember people. How quickly do you want to be ignored and forgotten when you die?

Hellokittymania · 31/12/2018 15:27

I attended the residential school and one of our teachers path away in April in a house fire. He was in touch with us until the day he died and a very very encouraging person to all of us. This was a special-needs school and he was one of the only people who believed in a lot of us. So when we accomplish something that he would've liked, we always post about it . Nobody has a problem since we all miss him and we loved him so much. He was an exceptional person, and when exceptional people are gone, it doesn't mean we just have to forget about them.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/12/2018 15:39

When I saw the thread title, I thought you were going to say she was posting nasty things about people who can no longer defend themselves, but if it's just stuff like "We miss you - thinking of you on what would have been your 40th birthday" and a nice photo of them smiling, sitting on a park bench or cuddling on the sofa with their grandkids (as opposed to a coffin-shot or deeply unflattering photo of them hammered at the pub), I really can't see a problem.

I agree with PPs that it would be very off if she was over-egging it, grief-surfing and making things all about her i.e. "You lived 8 doors down from my Nan and said a friendly Hello to me when I bumped into you once. Now I hear that you've died aged 89 and I just really don't know how I can possibly go on living without you, Fred (or was it Ted? I didn't quite manage to catch your name)."

What about when a much-admired celebrity dies? If somebody who never actually knew June Whitfield or Barry Chuckle, but was fond of their TV work, posts a picture of them from Google Images with a "RIP - you truly were ab fab" or "So sad - a very special piece of my childhood has just died" - would that be strange?

The BBC and the other broadcasters and newspapers have been producing all their end-of-the-year tributes to 'Those who left us this year' (which they always do, for some weird, irritating reason, a week or two before the year has actually finished - hence June wasn't included in any of them) - are they being weird too?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/12/2018 15:51

IN the UK, at least, people very, very frequently put tributes in the papers which are written as if speaking to the deceased person. In fact, you could say that "You were the best Gran ever" is making it more about the person being remembered whereas putting "I believe that my Gran was the best ever" sounds like you're making it all about you.

People also routinely leave flowers on loved ones' graves with cards addressed to them directly.

Nobody is under the impression that anybody is attempting some kind of necromancy ritual - it's just a common, accepted figure of speech.

Of course, the dead person has no idea now and it's really for the benefit of the living; but I think that most people, whilst living, would like to think that their family and friends will remember them fondly after they've gone rather than just a cold "Well, that's Auntie Mabel away, then - time to burn all the photos of her and cards she sent us and forget her. Anybody want her old telly?"

TabbyMumz · 31/12/2018 16:19

Webuiltthisbuffet......nobody is saying you shouldnt or cant remember the deceased fondly, there is just something about the way people talk to them through social media that doesnt feel right or decent. It sometimes feels like its a competition as to who is grieving the most, or that their sorrow is worse than anyone elses. Raising a glass to them is one thing, but complete outpouring of grief on line and fb, telling them you can't cope without them is another.

TheOxymoron · 31/12/2018 16:47

I think the opposite. I lost my child and I want to be able to be able to acknowledge him with memories, not forget.
I have very few photos by today’s standards.
If that upsets people then bollocks to them.
Maybe I feel offended (I don’t) by people showing off their kids and milestones that I miss.
A small bit of acknowledgement of his life from others is not much.

If the person’s family felt the posts were hurtful and would rather they didn’t, I’m sure if they contact the person posting, they would have no problem removing it. It may give the family comfort knowing their loved one isn’t forgotten.

You know what they say.... “Until you have walked a mile in another person’s shoes...”

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 31/12/2018 16:49

TabbyMumz - I agree with you, and as I said, making it all about you when the deceased person was just an acquaintance is very off.

But if it's somebody's parent, grandparent, sibling or even just an extremely close friend - people grieve and are affected mentally and emotionally in different ways.

I most certainly wouldn't pour it all out on social media - I wouldn't even mention it at all. I barely use social media at all and I'm a private person who would rather share fond memories with other similarly-affected people rather than broadcast it to everybody I've ever been connected to on FB.

However, I wouldn't presume to tell somebody else with a different coping mechanism that they're grieving 'wrongly' in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.

As PP have said, you can easily leave people to do whatever appears to help them and just block their posts so you don't have to see them yourself (or just scroll on by).

Flip

1 2 3