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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can't believe the way DH has just spoken to our DD

42 replies

Pinguuu · 31/12/2018 09:47

Hi

I'm just looking for some advice on how to best approach this as I haven't gone about it the right way so far.

This morning it was DH's turn to get up with DD who is 2 and a half, this was about 8.30. I hear DH shouting at DD because she's trying to pick up the cat again. I leave him to it.

I hear DH come upstairs looking for socks for DD. As he goes downstairs I can hear DD trying to tell DH something. DH starts shouting at DD again because she's opened the back door and let the cat in after him telling her to leave the cat alone. DD does a fake cry for a minute. She quickly gets over it and I hear her trying to talk again. DH roars;
"Sit there eat your fucking food and shut up!"

I can't believe it. So I get up and go downstairs to comfort DD. I go to DH whose in the kitchen and tell him he's out of order. Apparently I have no idea what's gone on or how naughty she's been (it was only half an hour). Jesus. I started shouting back but we both stopped because we realised DD would obviously hear us.

I go back to the lounge to sit with DD and DH is all nice as pie with her now. He's just left to take her to nursery.

How do I approach this when he gets back. I understand that DD can be trying and I've shouted at her too but I've never spoken to her like that and would never be so short so quickly.

OP posts:
SqueakyPigs · 31/12/2018 09:50

At 2 and a half she’s barely old enough to be ‘naughty’ yet. How will he cope when she’s genuinely defiant? I think he needs to work on his anger and get some parenting classes

Birdsgottafly · 31/12/2018 09:51

If he's flying into fits of temper we're he can't control himself, you can't leave her with him.

It's verbal abuse, watch out for emotional abuse, as well.

He can't cope with her, so you'll have to.

I'd be telling him that he either gets his head around what normal 'naughtiness' is and it's a natural part of development, or he reconsiders your living arrangements.

Does he speak to other people/you like that or just your toddler?

Orlande · 31/12/2018 09:52

Is the amount of shouting normal (just setting aside the swearing for a minute) - toddlers can be frustrating but sounds like your normal way of interaction with her involves a lot of unnecessary shouting/aggression?

Could this be a good opportunity for you both to do a parenting course together and change your interactions?

SnuggyBuggy · 31/12/2018 09:54

I'm not sure it's a good idea to have a back door that such a small child can open. That said if that's how he typically speaks to her I would be very concerned.

kaytee87 · 31/12/2018 09:55

@Orlande where does the op say that she shouts at the toddler? Confused

Op he needs to learn to control his anger or you can't leave the child with him.

On another note, what nursery is open today!? Shock all the ones I know shut for 2 weeks at Christmas.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 31/12/2018 10:00

Is this a regular occurrence OP?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 31/12/2018 10:01

I love that you were both concerned about arguing in front of her after how she was just spoken to. Hes woken up on the wrong side of bed, however, i wouldnt have anyone swear at my 2.5 year old!

LovingLola · 31/12/2018 10:04

I understand that DD can be trying and I've shouted at her too

@kaytee87 - if you read the OP's post you will see she said the above.

poppoppop100 · 31/12/2018 10:05

@jaytee87
Her last sentence says she herself shouts
At the DD.
You should not have started a fight with him in front of her too
Yabu

C0untDucku1a · 31/12/2018 10:08

You sound stressed to be shouting at your little toddler. What is your partner like towards you normally? What he is like towards his daughter is disgusting. Are you both working today?

Amanduh · 31/12/2018 10:10

Well it sounds like he lost his temper. Most people do now and again. If it’s not a regular occurence, tell him it’s not acceptable, and stop shouting at each other. If it is a regular occurence, and he does it all the time, that’s another matter.

BeanTownNancy · 31/12/2018 10:15

The way I've approached it is just to explain that your toddler has no model for their behaviour except their parents. So if you and her father teach her that the way you express anger is to scream at other people, that's what she will do. If he doesn't want that, he will have to work on a different reaction to stress.

lovely36 · 31/12/2018 10:18

Wow. Absolutely unacceptable. He is her example of what type of treatment she will take and feels she deserved in the future. If she grows up with her father verbally abusing her then that will be all too normal and acceptable. If I were you I would go absolutely mad. I'd tell him you never ever want to hear him speak to her that way and if he ever feels like he doesn't know what to do then come to you to diffuse the situation. For god sake she's 2 and he's a grown as man. He should be a little better at controlling himself. And we get upset when children throw tantrums yet a grown mad just threw one full on. Make it into a massive deal and be very clear you never want to hear that again or else it will happen again.

Quartz2208 · 31/12/2018 10:18

There is too much shouting and not enough understanding of how a 2 year old is

Parenting course all the way for me

Because not matter what had happen and what she had she - she is 2 1/2 his reaction was not on - that is clearly what he (and you if you shout too) need to understand

QueenieIsLost · 31/12/2018 10:22

There is a different between shouting at a toddler out of sheer exasperation (which let’s be honest, we’ve all been doing) and actually telling a 2yo to ‘eat your fucking food and shut up’

The fact he was as nice as pie shows he knows very well he was out of order.

I think before talking to him you need to be very clear in your head WHAT is an issue with you.
Is it the shouting?
Is it the swearing?
Is it that you think he has overreacted/think your dd is naughty for what you wouod see as normal toddler behaviour etc....
Be very clear first of what you want to bring so you can do so calmly and reasonably.
Don’t forget to ask him from his view of what has happened. It might well be that your dd did a lot of things you didn’t hear but was a real nightmare in the am. (Touching things she shouldn’t, fiddling, moving up and down the chair etc...)
And then agree TOGETHER on what are your boundaries as parents (is that being naughty or a two year old?) and what sort of reaction you will have to xx (which I suis t will help you both)

Orlande · 31/12/2018 10:39

Queenie - it really isn't the case that all/most parents shout at toddlers. Yes, the swearing is particularly bad but no one needs to be shouting at a 2 year old (unless it's alerting to danger or something).

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 31/12/2018 10:48

If I heard a parent say that to a child I would assume that parent was Jeremy Kyle fodder, and that poor child was already on a hiding to nothing because of their badly educated, abusive parent, I would massively judge anyone using language like that especially with a child that young. Christ, if he cannot look after his own child for half an hour without erupting like that, he seriously needs to shape up or ship out - I would not want anyone like that near my child.

Waddsup12 · 31/12/2018 10:51

Yeah, will be hearing back off nursery about her swearing at other kids, if that carries on.

Poppylizzyrose · 31/12/2018 10:52

This reminded me of that poem from two year olds perspective. I’ll link and see if it works.

www.madeformums.com/news-and-gossip/toddler-poem-mixed-reactions/43755.html

Might be worth reading to him op, remember they’re little people with feelings and he’s in a position of power, must be really upsetting from dd point
of view. Another good thing to do is get down on the floor at their level, see the world from their point of view. How everything’s so big and new to them.

Hope he calms down and changes his ways

Original poster
Pinguuu · 31/12/2018 11:25

Hi everyone. Thanks for the replies.

When DH got back we had a good chat. He admitted to being completely out of order and grumpy/stressed. We've talked about what we can do to stop the shouting and I genuinely believe he was just stressed. He knows he was out of order. I told him if it ever happens again, he will be leaving.

Whilst I disagree that we should never shout at a 2 yo, we do need to shout less and model better behaviour. Thanks!

OP posts:
recklessruby · 31/12/2018 11:30

Swearing at a 2 year old is absolutely not acceptable. Ok you do get frustrated but it's not on for a grown man to shout and lose it like that. Imagine how scared you would be if people much much bigger than you were shouting and swearing at you
2 year olds are hard work. Dd was a nightmare with her tantrums and I did shout at her sometimes (didn't swear though. She'll maybe repeat it at nursery).
How will he cope when she s a teenager and pushing the boundaries every day?

C0untDucku1a · 31/12/2018 11:31

I disagree that we should never shout at a 2yo

You need to address this. Yes lots of people lose their temper in the heat of the moment and shout. But this sentence from you suggests it is your standard parenting. And that is just not good enough.

Think about what you shout at your child for, and would you shout at anyone else for the same thing? She opened the door. She is two. She should not have been able to open the door. The fault there was with the parents. Think about the other reasons you shout at her. Do they justify it?

You'd both benefit from parenting classes, not because you occasionally lose your temper, but because that sentence tells us you don’t see why it is a problem.

2019already · 31/12/2018 11:33

He’s emotionally abusive OP, I would be incandescent with rage if my DH spoke to our DC that way.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 31/12/2018 11:37

queenie without wanting to come across as thinking I’m perfect, I can honestly say I’ve never shouted at my daughter. It’s not normal behaviour imo.

For one thing, it’s utterly pointless. She won’t understand me better if I yell so why even do it? Not saying I’ve never been frustrated but I have always stepped back rather than yelling.

I had a childhood of being yelled/sniped at so I was determined not to do the same to her.

Val87 · 31/12/2018 11:46

That’s really not acceptable. I don’t think I’d be hanging around in case it happened again.