I can't believe the way DH has just spoken to our DD

[Pinguuu]

Hi

I'm just looking for some advice on how to best approach this as I haven't gone about it the right way so far.

This morning it was DH's turn to get up with DD who is 2 and a half, this was about 8.30. I hear DH shouting at DD because she's trying to pick up the cat again. I leave him to it.

I hear DH come upstairs looking for socks for DD. As he goes downstairs I can hear DD trying to tell DH something. DH starts shouting at DD again because she's opened the back door and let the cat in after him telling her to leave the cat alone. DD does a fake cry for a minute. She quickly gets over it and I hear her trying to talk again. DH roars;
"Sit there eat your fucking food and shut up!"

I can't believe it. So I get up and go downstairs to comfort DD. I go to DH whose in the kitchen and tell him he's out of order. Apparently I have no idea what's gone on or how naughty she's been (it was only half an hour). Jesus. I started shouting back but we both stopped because we realised DD would obviously hear us.

I go back to the lounge to sit with DD and DH is all nice as pie with her now. He's just left to take her to nursery.

How do I approach this when he gets back. I understand that DD can be trying and I've shouted at her too but I've never spoken to her like that and would never be so short so quickly.

Make it into a massive deal and be very clear you never want to hear that again or else it will happen again

My exDH is a shout first ask questions later type. Never gave DC the chance to correct their behaviour, just went straight in with the really quite nasty shouting. I did make a massive deal out of it, especially when certain words were used but all I got was "I'm his father, I'll do what I like". Cue divorce. And DC live with me.

It is not normal to shout at a 2 year old unless they are in danger and you need to immediately distract them with a quick sharp shock (about to run across a road, touch an iron). Stern or slightly raised voice ok, shout because you are frustrated or angry never ok.

I'm sure if you heard back yourself shouting at your 2 year old you'd be pretty shocked too. Don't have a discussion with you dh on the level of acceptable shouting at your 2 year old, ban it completely from both of you.

I think the thing with shouting is it's either the adult losing their temper, or an attempt at scaring the child into compliance. It's just not helpful or necessary - if only because you can always physically pick up and move a toddler if they are where they shouldn't.

Id also wonder whether our dh was appalling towards your dd this morning as a way to punish you for having a lie in.

Your dh. Not our. I assume we each have our own.

A pp talked about him learning to manager his anger. People like this can manage their anger, he probably never tells his work colleagues to sit down, shut up, and get on with their fucking work. In my opinion it's about respect, maturity and self-control.

Yes - we all know it's completely unacceptable behaviour.
However by coming on this forum the OP knows it is and hopefully puts in place that the level of shouting decreases and eliminates altogether.

paddy the op came on to day the language used by her dh was unaccaptable. She said in a follow up post she thinks shouting at the two year old is acceltable.

Yes I agree - and it is our responsibility to give guidance and help where we can.
By coming on a forum OP is asking for help to engage with - she may not like the advice and it maybe close to the mark but always the very first step is to speak honestly of what has happened. And that I applaud.

OP,
Why do you disagree about not shouting at a 2 year old?

He shouldn't be losing his rag and shouting at her, totally inappropriate. A firm no and a consequence (e.g. moving her out of the room) is what should have happened.

It isn't ok to shout at a 2 year old ever. It's abusive. Your poor child.

Why on earth do you think it’s ok to shout at a 2 year old child? That alone is abusive, let alone telling her to shut up or eat her fucking food.

Disgusting, vile behaviour but it’s ok because you’ve had a chat and he’s promised to never do it again. Your poor child.

Part of me hopes your neighbours hear the shouting and swearing at a child who is little more than a baby and do more about it than you have.

I have a three year old, I have never shouted at her or her eight year old brother. Not because I’m a perfect parent, but because I’m an adult with self control.

God your poor baby has both parents shouting at her and one swearing at her too?? You both need to buck up and be better. Disgusting behaviour.

Why do you think it is justifiable to shout at a 2 year old?? 2 year olds don't know how to be naughty, they aren't old enough yet. They are exploring, experimenting, developing their senses. They aren't deliberately trying to annoy you. You are essentially shouting at them for the crime of DEVELOPING INTO AN OLDER HUMAN BEING.

You are probably scaring the poor little thing!!

Just lost his temper briefly under trying circumstances, one of those things

Just lost his temper briefly under trying circumstances, one of those things

Nope, shouting and swearing at a two year old behaving like a two year old is always unacceptable and OP isn't saying its a one off, they are both shouting at a tiny defenceless 2 year old who probably terrified and doesn't understand what on earth they are doing wrong.