Grief Grabbers-why do they do it?

[PerryPerryThePlatypus]

There was a death in dh family just before Christmas, a much loved uncle passed away suddenly. Funeral was held a couple of days before Christmas.
At the afters of the funeral there was a screenshot of a post by someone who met this uncle maybe twice at the most (she married dh cousin and they moved away didn't keep in touch etc) being shown to family members. It basically said how am I going to get through Christmas knowing Uncle X is not here anymore. RIP I'm heartbroken.

She never even sent a card or came to the funeral. Just a rant.

I recently lost two very close relatives within weeks of each other, at first funeral a particular relative was howling loudly and while I felt sad for them it also came across as exhibitionist. Next funeral que exactly same behaviour but on a grander scale including wailing and hugging the coffin. 10 minutes later absolutely fine and chatting as if it was another day as the “audience” had dispersed

I have one of these in my family and to be honest I think it’s a bit of MH issue. She can’t actually handle real life, but she’ll piggyback on to a neighbour’s mum dying of cancer it will remind us all it’s 25 years since so and so died and send lots of messages round asking everyone to pray for or think of so-and-so whom she has a very tenuous link to. She doesn’t mind how cryptic the connection is, she likes to get all macabre and mope around. I half expected her to throw herself on top of the coffin at the last family funeral a la Scarlett when Melly dies (Gone with the Wind) but thankfully she didn’t.

Close friend of mine didn’t get on amazingly well with her mil but relations were amicable for her husband and children’s sake. Close friend lost her father after quite a long illness and was utterly devastated. They had been very close and everyone knew this. When it came to the funeral my friend asked her in-law’s if they could look after her children (6&3) the night before and during the service so she could focus on supporting her mum and brother. In-laws and friends parents had not been close and my friend lived abroad and had returned for the funeral so in-laws often talked of how they wished they could spend more time with the children (who were very comfortable with them despite the distance). Mil stropped and initially said no because she ‘wanted to go to the funeral and pay her respects’. She was eventually persuaded by her son as my friend was falling apart at the thought of having to take them with her in the hearse etc. When she showed up at the wake with the children she had a stroppy face because she felt ‘awkward’. Some people astonish me :/

@nats - it’s just ‘all about them’ isn’t it for some people. A funeral is the last place I’d want small kids.

I hate funerals, loathe them. How anyone can want to go for the drama is beyond me. I always end up with a banging headache. We had to go to a young lad’s funeral last year - shitty day all round - and actually we didn’t even tell anyone really as our connection to him was separate to everyone we knew and it just wasn’t something we wanted to talk about. It was desperately sad but it wasn’t about us!!

My MiL died recently...we got really well and I visited her often....My SiL never helped , used to bully her and was consequently loathed. Guess who got a special mention at the funeral and who was ignored...
Definitely MH issues...now nc😉

Gwenhwfyr.....I meant figuratively speaking (about invites)....of course I realise paper invites aren't sent..I meant that when you are told the date and time, and when you are "expected" to attend, and when you don't and family members call you out on it. Previous posters have posted from both sides, some complaining when Nephews don't turn up, and others complaining when people do turn up when as far as they are aware, they haven seen the deceased for years.

SIL is major grief grabber. When DM died (they never got on and she never saw her in the weeks leading up to her death, despite living close by) had major meltdown - weeping and wailing impressively. Then longstanding friend of all our family died suddenly and shockingly just before Christmas.
Granted she saw this friend regularly (kindhearted friend regularly visited her when many could not cope with her drama queen neurosis) but the hysteria had to be seen to be believed. Friend had v large and close family but their grief was secondary to hers!
There were literally hundreds at the funeral many of whom had known this friend who was a real treasure. But SIL was chief mourner, apparently [hmmm]

My husband passed away unexpectedly this year! We had it also. Facebook dramas from a family member.

I was so upset I tried to close my husband Facebook account and thank goodness I was too upset to. I was shaking like a leaf.

Waking up the day after my husband had passed to tons of messages that I was also getting the notification for was horrendous. I was in bits especially at the family member who started it falseness was all about them.

I rang our eldest and he sorted it. He memorialized my husband page which cleared all the tags and posts of the family member and those who had tagged my husband page. The family member was "happily" attention seeking to all the replies.

The majority of people I had never heard of. They were wailing my husband was such a good friend. I had never heard of them. Only one I vaguely had.

Had family cause major chaos too. Where were any of them with my husband ill health? One of them had never visited us where we lived. The other had only been up once for the wedding in all the 16 years we had been here

Fortunately my eldest stepped in and took over everything including the sh*t from my husband family. Those who caused chaos didn't come up for the service blaming my eldest as he had told them straight there behaviour wasn't acceptable. That they were welcome to come up however if they caused trouble they would be asked to leave. Thet weren't coming up because of what he said. It would be funny if it wasn't so disgusting. Does all the soaps put together proud.

I am still in touch with some of the family. Some of them I never want to see again

Literally a whole side of OH family are like this.

OH was estranged from his dad for maybe 15 years due to the fact his dad was a massive alcoholic, who quite frankly behaved appallingly.

When OH was 25, his dad reached out. He had been made homeless, and been found collapsed on the street. By some miracle, social services were able to get him into sheltered accommodation and he attempted to build bridges, and become sober. Unfortunately after years of alcohol abuse, he relapsed and died around 6 months later. OH wasn’t crying or outwardly sad, but he was a little bit upset. His mums brother (who barely knew his dad)..turned up at the crematorium looking like a fucking criminal line up (his cousin wearing a negligee, and fishnet tights with a fur cape and her awful orange tits pushed under her chin).

They tagged them self in everywhere, pictures of the coffin being carried down, pictures of them looking somber by flowers. Then got absolutely pissed at the wake. Insane.

My fil is like this. He is an utter twat though. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The whole Grief Grabbing subject is totally narcissistic in my opinion. I have a family member who was caught up in the 2004 tsunami and, although inland at the time it occurred, decided to inform UK local press of their near death experience instead of informing the authorities and their parents that they were alive. Subsequently milked it for months. Why on earth would anyone do that?!

tbf some of these are understandable eg the SIL whose mother died. I have an iffy relationship with my mother, but fuck anyone who judges my reaction to her death, no one knows what goes on in other people’s close relationships.

A lot of these are dangerously close to everyone having to keep anstiff upper lip.

I think people do it to add interest to their lives. Many people live very boring, humdrum lives and a bit of "drama" in the form of second-hand grief, or any other emotion or distant event, adds something to their lives - a bit like a TV soap.

Not sure why my message was deleted however who are you to say she is grief grabbing? If you did not live with her or your uncle how can you 100 per cent know what their relationship was like? You are just assuming and its not nice to assume she is grief grabbing and it isn't for you to say how someone else should grieve just because they moved away. They could have been in regular phone contact . My uncles live abroad and i see them once a year and i too would be devastated if they passed away. Your post is judgemental

My FiL has, for many years, attended funerals as his main form of social life.

Anyone he has ever known or been related to, however distantly - if he hears of their funeral, he's off. For the service, the cremation, any meal afterwards...

Very odd.

A fb friend recently attended a funeral that she videoed and then posted on FB - cue masses and masses of how are you huns and sending hugs etc. Totally, totally bizarre.

My mother in law caused all manner of trouble when husband died by her use of Facebook. She blames me for his death and took to Facebook to express herself (he was ill so clearly not my fault).

I am now no contact with her but I check her posts to make sure she’s not posting about me or our children. Her fb page disgusts me loads of memes about grief when she hardly bothered with her son when he was alive. I didn’t see him in the two weeks before his death - her choice it was clear how poorly he was. Oh and don’t get me started on the oh poor me I haven’t seen the grandkids posts- this is the woman who hasn’t even asked after her grandkids. Fb has a lot to answer for!

You aren't the arbiter of others grief.

"some complaining when Nephews don't turn up, and others complaining when people do turn up when as far as they are aware, they haven seen the deceased for years."

I would expect a nephew to attend a funeral, but not necessarily if it's very far away or he can't get time off work if nephew and uncle/aunt weren't close.
I have to say, I think it's quite normal to attend a funeral of someone you haven't seen for years if you're related. It's a well-known saying that some extended families only come together at weddings and funerals.

I have no patience with grief wankers, particularly the ones snivelling away on social media about 'famous' deaths they have no connection with.
Sometimes, though, social media announcements/tributes after a death can be a comfort to the bereaved: when my old mate died in November, his widow actually asked people to spread the word via Facebook as she wasn't in touch with everyone who had known him and does not use Facebook herself.

Banana..not sure why your message was deleted? Perhaps it was because you aggressively swore at the op, using the f word in an attacking manner. Not nice. It wasn't me who reported you, but I did think hour post was rude. Your second posts read a much nicer.

All of these sound very familiar. Two instances ring very true for me.

I worked as a stage manager for over 9 years - theatre is a very close knit community, especially in London where everyone knows everyone and everyone has worked with some-one in this or that theatre.

Anyway. Last month a beloved technician tragically killed himself. Those who knew him shared lovely stories on their facebooks...all in all very positive and it was lovely reading how many lives he genuinely touched. Then dickhead comes long. Dickhead being a girl who worked with him just once for two days....didn't know him...and goes on to write four posts day after day about HOW CAN HE BE TAKEN FROM ME and IM SO SO ANGRY WITH YOU FOR DOING THIS and WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME...along with one token photo taken of them both....about 70% her face pouting and him just about peering over her shoulder, barely in it. I was fuming.

Hilariously she literally had one person comment 'u ok hun?'....so I had to laugh really.

The second is also theatre related...slightly less offensive. An old dear I worked with once who has acted on west end stages for 20+ years...obviously knows every single famous person who dies and has some lovely anecdote about their fabulous time together. Started off so inoffensive (normal west end actors) but when he starts sharing stories of his time sharing stages with with Alan Rickman and Aretha Franklin it does seem to become a bit of a competition

And don't even get me started on people marking themselves as 'safe' on Facebook. Having lived in London for as long as I have I've come to the conclusion that if my family care enough they'll call me first - not check Facebook. My friend genuinely marked herself as safe during the London Bridge attacks....she lives in Essex 🙄

I think this is awful too as is the practice of announcing deaths on facebook. When a close friend died recently, I decided not to tell another family member (who was not so close) as the family member was enjoying a birthday and I decided to leave the announcement until the following day. Then a not so close person announced the death on facebook - hence hurried phone calls all round to inform people so that they did not find out about it by reading a post on facebook - horrible!

Having said that, I once went to a funeral of a lovely ex-in-law, fondly remembered from childhood, but who I had lost touch with and had not seen for nearly 20 years. I mainly went to the funeral to take and support my elderly grandmother. However, unknown to anyone else there, my marriage was about to fail catastrophically. The mood affected me and I spent the entire funeral in floods - I was more upset and inconsolable than close relatives and had to spend a lot of the time in the toilets. It was extremely embarrassing - I felt like a real grief-grabber. So, sometimes there is an explanation!

it’s the same when there is a terror arrack or something g tragic happens
they need to be connected to it somehow ..
“oh manchester is my second home my granny grew up there “”
oh “we lost two people (fill in with disaster ) “
people you’ve never heard of and never will again..