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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grief Grabbers-why do they do it?

300 replies

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 31/12/2018 09:40

There was a death in dh family just before Christmas, a much loved uncle passed away suddenly. Funeral was held a couple of days before Christmas.
At the afters of the funeral there was a screenshot of a post by someone who met this uncle maybe twice at the most (she married dh cousin and they moved away didn't keep in touch etc) being shown to family members. It basically said how am I going to get through Christmas knowing Uncle X is not here anymore. RIP I'm heartbroken.

She never even sent a card or came to the funeral. Just a rant.

OP posts:
Dilovescake21 · 01/01/2019 18:02

Thanks for posting this thread. Really glad to see this behaviour has a name as I suspect a few people I know have this irritating condition. I had some sad news the other week and have been a bit too upset about it - overreacting to something which is sad but not life ruining. Reading these threads have made me realise I need to get a grip and see the situation for what it is. Thanks for the reality check!!

Hulloa · 01/01/2019 18:03

I think people do this as a way of deflecting themselves from dealing with real emotions about what's going on in their own lives.

I mean, they've got something big they're carrying around with them. We all have. However dealing with it is difficult. So instead they project - they allow themselves to display the outward signs of someone dealing with a big emotion, without any of the upset of actually doing so. I suspect it's quite cathartic for them.

In that sense, I guess what they're doing, if you want to be charitable, is engaging in a kind of communal grief. As in, they're genuinely grieving something, even though they don't know consciously doing, and after all we all have something to cry about,.

Hulloa · 01/01/2019 18:07

What I mean is, yes, of course they aren't feeling genuine emotion or in your situation with you. But how they're behaving is due to a genuine emotion of sorts, even if they're not accessing it truly. And although it might seem distasteful to piggy back in this way, your grief and their grief is all part of the same thing ie feeling overwhelmed/helpless at human frailty and vulnerability.

JamieOliversChickenNugget · 01/01/2019 18:07

It's a desperate attention seeking act. Someone we know terribly lost their child a couple of years ago.
It was on the quiet, one person knew and had been sworn to secrecy whilst the child was dying, but cryptically managed to let others know who then texted the mum to 'see how she was' to get it first hand.
Then broke the news to school so they could get the attention, and stood crying as it was broken to all the children-the child had literally only just died. Then, put a just giving page on within minutes, alongside planning memorials whilst hysterical.
If it were my child I'd have been fucking fuming at information being shared like that without my permission, but she was just so downtrodden she was glad she didn't have to tell people.
The same people have now forgotten that and are onto the next drama. It's disgusting behaviour.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 01/01/2019 18:09

It’s very very weird behaviour.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 01/01/2019 18:10

.

Slightlyjaded · 01/01/2019 18:12

Complete agree that this is the lowest of the low behaviour. Also agree that the virtue signalling and the 'public outpouring of grief' for Diana really did kick off the competitive grievin.

To the OP who very honestly tried to give some insight into why people might behave like this, I would say - thank you for your honesty - you sound very insightful and reflective and it seems that your interest in death is definitely related to your unresolved grief. HOWEVER almost without exception, the true Grief Wanking Professionals are self-centred, selfish, self-absorbed and drama seeking in all areas of life. Grief, just gives them a perfect platform.

I know two people like this - endlessly marking themselves as 'safe' when they are nowhere near danger and always jumping on everyone else's drama to make it their own. These are also the people who post cryptic messages along the lines of:

"Can't believe that some people can do that after calling themselves my friends. Shocked and gutted at what I've found out today".

Cue forty zillion 'R u ok hun?' 'what happened hun?" type responses, and they never EVER post what happened because it will always be a non-event or even fucking made up.

Attention seeking twats.

When my DMum died last year, a friend she had not really seen for about twenty years was suddently overcome with grief. She turned up uninvited (fine with that bit) at the funeral in full black, with a lace thingy over her face and HOWLED through the service. I am an only child and was trying to hold it together and make sure I didn't cry before I read my Eulogy and she was howling and wailing so much that the vicar had to stop a couple of times. Eventually my fabulous friend, took her by the elbow and guided her out of the church and stayed outside with her until the service was over. The stupid cow was then pissed and flirty at the wake. I still get the rage thinking about her.

Rudgie47 · 01/01/2019 18:13

I'd say initially its attention seeking, but upon reflection grief does affect people in different ways. When I was doing a postgrad someone on the course died in a car accident. It was terrible and when I was informed I burst into tears, not for attention it was the sheer shock!

Greif does funny things to people.Also it makes you reflect upon things which can be difficult as well.

fatoneatthegym · 01/01/2019 18:13

This thread has made me think of the footage from North Korea when Kim Jong Il died. The outpouring of blatantly staged public grief was just ridiculous. I know people had to act that way to avoid getting into trouble, but it's still astounding to see. m.youtube.com/watch?v=JSLnuos5pkw

Oscarsdaddy · 01/01/2019 18:16

Either attention grabber or using the death as an excuse for sympathy

Ignore them, they’ll crawl back under their stone soon enough

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 01/01/2019 18:18

fatone Regarding Kim Jong Il, I wouldn’t say it’s that simple.

Asian grieving culture is very different to British. I have seen people wailing like that at funerals more than once.

Besides which, their leaders are revered. Not by all but by many. People were genuinely upset by his passing. We like to think that NKs are all sitting around cursing their shit luck at being born in the wrong place but that’s not necessarily true.

Most people in the streets there will be high up members of society who were loyal to him. There’s every chance that his death means their fall from grace. Or they’re genuinely upset.

It’s easy to paint NK as odd, weird, fake, bs but all is not as it seems.

walkingtheplank · 01/01/2019 18:19

I have a friend like this. She is overjoyed when she finds out that e.g. the brother in law of a work colleague has an illness and then mentions it on multiple social media.

We have a mutual friend with a terminal illness. She does love to tell us how its affecting her. She's had to take time off work. I sincerely hope that I don't hear of our mutual friend's death via professional mourner's Facebook. I'll be livid. I do expect her to post about how it's affected her every year afterwards on the anniversary and mutual friend's birthday.
I may end up having to say something!

Slightlyjaded · 01/01/2019 18:21

@fatoneatthegym I've never seen that footage before. It's (literally) unbelievable. Couldn't actually spot a real tear in the entire clip.

Ariana30 · 01/01/2019 18:22

My cousin found out that her father had died through Facebook because some dick who has nothing to do with the family and is just a friend of her brothers put it on there before she could be contacted as she lives in a different country to them. To think of how she found it about her df really haunts me, how could ppl attention seeking to that extent be so cruel?!? Ffs, if you're not related don't put it up!!

bringambuy · 01/01/2019 18:28

(NC for this post)

My sister does this, to an embarrassing degree. When my MiL died, she posted enough details about 'an elderly member of my extended family' for a friend to contact me and ask if my MiL had died! She reaped a lot of 'U ok Huns' etc, I suspect this is the reason. Plus she has no concept of treading on anyone's toes. She also posted a eulogy to our cat when he died, before I'd had a chance to tell one of my sons.

Because of this kind of thing, she's usually the last to find out any family news!

MsSquiz · 01/01/2019 18:30

At my DM's funeral (only child, single parent, I was 30, no kids) my DH's sister told me (at the wake) how he'd her husband was finding it as he lost his dad when he was young. This was after she arrived at the crem, and asked DH's brother & SIL why they looked so upset...
And that was after she rocked up to my house uninvited on the day my DM died (about 5 hours after the fact) with funeral director brochures telling me the crem had space for the funeral on certain days... (she is a vicar)

For the record we have never been close and throughout my DM's illness she never once asked how she or I was... it always all for show

Seaweed42 · 01/01/2019 18:31

Some Facebook users love a tragedy. It's such an opportunity for self-promotion and to get yourself likes that not a scrap of it can be wasted. The worse the illness the better. Someone with cancer is a fucking godsend to them. They can get sympathy Likes by the shovelful.
If there's a drama going on anywhere they like to be in the centre of it.
When these people hear of someone being sick the first thing they do is open their phone or laptop to grab it while it's hot.

Studentwife · 01/01/2019 18:32

My DM did this twice last year (2018). On both occasions a ‘dear’ friend had passed and she wrote long arsed speeches on FB. One she hadn’t for 30 years the other was over 40 years. Seriously utter bollocks! 😡

Hulloa · 01/01/2019 18:35

Slightlyjaded I don't think (I hope anyway) that I do the piggyback grief thing myself but I have what I think is a similar tendancy which is that if I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with a situation in my own life I'll go all out to fix things for a friend who comes to me with a problem. It has taken me years to understand what I'm doing especially as from the outside it looks like I'm acting unselfishly because, hey, I'm helping someone. I think it's a similar kind of deflection - it allows me to go through the motions of being busy and useful while avoiding tackling what's really on my mind. It's just my theory, but from the outside this behaviour looks similar.

PepsiLola · 01/01/2019 18:36

This happened when my DM died, she had a "friend" who imo was not her friend. She was a horrible woman who once pulled my DM wig off at a party (she was bald from chemo), and my DM ran out the party in tears.

Anyway this "friend" was told about my DM death and attended the funeral. I wasn't having arguments there so I was polite enough. She added me on fb which shown me all attention seeking crap she had wrote! Then she decided she was doing the race for life in tribute to my DM?! I had to delete her as it was the most piss taking thing ever after the wig incident Angry

JamieOliversChickenNugget · 01/01/2019 18:42

The North Korea grief is different though. It isn't faked, for the most part, although people know that they must show grief or it will be noticed.
People are socialised from birth to believe that the Dear Leaders are Gods. All they know is their leader, they aren't taught critical thinking and their whole education is propaganda. As far as they're concerned their world is ending, the man who literally fought for them and went hungry for them and who was all powerful (part of the propaganda) has gone-it's like a child losing a parent, sadness, fear and being overwhelmed all at once. When performed on a group level that grief is real and very powerful.
I've seen foreign funerals and also people waiting in waiting rooms at hospital with very ill relatives. The overt crying and moaning and chest beating is a social behaviour, and very normal. It also isn't fake.

Banana1979 · 01/01/2019 18:49

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Banana1979 · 01/01/2019 18:50

That meant to say grieve how she likes

BowStreetStunner · 01/01/2019 18:53

Grief Grabbers, good term and imo they do it for attention!

Hazlenutpie · 01/01/2019 18:55

I think we're pretty bad at talking about death and dealing with it, generally. Consequently, many people don't know what to say or how to behave.