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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Grief Grabbers-why do they do it?

300 replies

PerryPerryThePlatypus · 31/12/2018 09:40

There was a death in dh family just before Christmas, a much loved uncle passed away suddenly. Funeral was held a couple of days before Christmas.
At the afters of the funeral there was a screenshot of a post by someone who met this uncle maybe twice at the most (she married dh cousin and they moved away didn't keep in touch etc) being shown to family members. It basically said how am I going to get through Christmas knowing Uncle X is not here anymore. RIP I'm heartbroken.

She never even sent a card or came to the funeral. Just a rant.

OP posts:
Thehop · 31/12/2018 10:50

We had a cousin do this at my dads funeral. I haven’t forgiven her. It’s horrible and I’m so sorry xx

iamthere123 · 31/12/2018 10:51

The grandmother being sadder when her grandson is ill sounds awfully familiar. When my little cousin went on his first scout trip no one told g'ma til he was back as and I quote 'I've known too many children die to be happy about them being anywhere but with their parents!' It's all about her! She broke her toe in 1940 something and when I broke mine she told me about how hers has never stopped hurting all these years!

Bungalowbeth · 31/12/2018 10:52

When my dad died, my cousin who hadn’t seen him in at least five years posted something on Facebook for a load of “sorry for your loss hun”.

Craft1905 · 31/12/2018 10:53

Grief thief is the term I use.

News headline: 3 die in M6 horror crash at Carlisle.

Grief thief: (on social media) OMG!! Just heard about M6 crash. I drove on the M6 thru Birmingham with my family only last month. It could have been us. Feeling so blessed.

Errr....no, it couldn't have been you. You were 200 miles away a month earlier, and when it happened in Carlisle, you were sitting on your sofa in Wolverhampton watching Countdown. So just fuck off!

Shockers · 31/12/2018 10:56

@EmeraldShamrock - thank you. He did know she’d died, we’d already let him know. The onus was on him to keep in touch, I think. He certainly wasn’t afraid to make his feelings known the night before- I just don’t think he could really be bothered to make the effort to email or message.

I do think that if you live in the same smallish country, have a car, phone, time off and are completely able bodied, you shouldn’t moan about not getting to attend the funeral of a close relative you haven’t bothered to make contact with in over 15 (more like 20 probably) years.

PumpedUpTermite · 31/12/2018 11:01

My granddad was married twice. Once to a woman when they were early 20’s, they split after a year, no kids, no major hard feelings and he later met and married my nan. He didn’t keep in touch with his first wife at all but found out via the grape vine she’d also remarried and moved on in a similar fashion. They lived about an hour away from each other but their paths never crossed.
He died years later in his 80’s, his first wife was also dead by this point.
The 50y/o step daughter of his (deceased) first wife demanded to come to the funeral, turned up and wailed throughout.
Never saw her again Confused
We were all very confused and quite distressed because a complete stranger who’d never even met him or us just came to his funeral and wailed! She also said some bloody strange things during the whole ordeal and even tried to cry on my poor nanas shoulder about it! Didn’t see her again after that though, thank god

PooleySpooley · 31/12/2018 11:02

To be seen to be grieving. That’s when I noticed a shift in the mourning process. When PD died.

Never seen books of condolence before or flowers being thrown at the coffin of someone you have never met.

Incredible.

beanaseireann · 31/12/2018 11:03

scarbados
Sorry for your loss but I find it extraordinary that your mil had never met your df and didn't even know his name.

speakout · 31/12/2018 11:07

I have a mother like this.

When my husband died ( I was in my 20s) she was stricken with grief.

She always had a bad relationship with him and they rarely spoke, but at the death it was all about her.
She had friends visit, while she sobbed I was the one making ta and biscuits for everyone.
She was the one wailing at the crematorium and hand to be helped by staff into the car.
She was the one afterwards that needed her shopping done ( by me).

A drakma llama.

But so typical of her.

When I had my DD OH and I went to her house to pick up our toddler.
DD was 5 hours old, my mother had been looking after our two year old.
It was a daytime birth, early summer and my mother had been at home with a friend while they waited for news.

We arrived at 5 o clock or so and a short time afterwards OH left to pick up a takeaway meal so we could return home again and eat.

My mother wanted to hold the newborn ( understandable) then said " lets sit in the garden" - it was a warm late afternoon.

As she walked out she said to me " could you stick the kettele on" and while it's boiling bring out the wooden table and chairs from the garden shed so we can all sit outside"

!!

I said " mother I have given birth five hours ago and you are asking me to lift heavy wooden furniture around- I am actually struggling to walk here."

She turned and laughed- "oh yeah, I forgot".

Thanks Mum.

HermioneWeasley · 31/12/2018 11:13

Speak - your mother 😱😱😱😱

KC225 · 31/12/2018 11:14

See Tom Allen's piece on You Tube called competitive mourning.

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 31/12/2018 11:15

It's grief porn: I see it all the time on social media as it's a way for people to get hairpats and sympathy from cheerleaders.

CantWaitToRetire · 31/12/2018 11:16

My dad died last year. He was a member at a bowls club but my mum didn’t let most of them know the details of the funeral because they’re the type of people who will have little to do with you socially but will flock to any Tom, Dick or Harry’s funeral for the free buffet.

BiffChipandNipples · 31/12/2018 11:16

My mil is a death and illness one upper. If someone dies, she will claim to be the last person that spoke to them, or she will have dreamt about them. If someone is ill she has the same symptoms, only worse.
It is really draining to be around, especially as she stares at you waiting for a reaction to her grief. You have to sympathise with her when you know it is all crap. She will carry on until she gets a reaction, and no matter how much you try to steer the conversation back to the deceased, she will bring it back to her. It is really weird like she needs to feel an extra level of pain, and she needs you to acknowledge it.

Littlehotdog · 31/12/2018 11:20

My sil has been dating a guy for about two months, his dad lived in another country so they had never met. Anyway the bfs dad died. Cue SIL in hysterics. She was late for work and when her boss pulled her up on it she cried about the death. Her and mil spent ages slagging off the boss for being awful when sil had just had a loss 🤨🤨🤨 I actively avoided her after my mc as I think I'd have punched her. And I'm not a violent person.

Nettletheelf · 31/12/2018 11:20

I just watched the Tom Allen clip. Hilarious, thanks for linking it.

AnneElliott · 31/12/2018 11:21

My mother is like this. Didn't go and see her brother in law (my uncle) in hospital as she was too upset, but rather oddly wanted to see his body at the funeral home once he died.

Unfortunately for her, my aunt decided not to have him embalmed which meant viewing the body wasn't possible.

I think it's certain personalities that do it (I'm sure my mother is a narcissist) and it's just another way of getting attention for themselves.

scarbados · 31/12/2018 11:24

@beanaseireann

Why? I was in 50s when I met and married her son. DF and MIL were both in their late 70s, one in Birmingham and one in North Yorkshire. Neither was well enough to travel to meet the other and it's not like they were ever going to be grandparents to the same children. She knew my dad's family name but never showed enough interest in him to speak to him on the phone or even ask me anything about him.

I find it strange that you think it's enough of your business to comment on, quite frankly.

Bunnyfuller · 31/12/2018 11:26

Post and ask her for her favourite memories, and what did she think of the funeral.

FB really suits the attention seeker!

Buxtonstill · 31/12/2018 11:28

Princess Diana’s death was when recreational grieving was established as a pastime. Half of it is attention seeking vicariousness, the rest is virtue signalling - oh aren’t I good, I feel sympathy for the family of someone who has died. Facebook is dreadful. People sending virtual ‘thoughts to the celebrities family and friends’ oh do get over yourselves. The people concerned are not going to see your fb page unless it’s public... MN can be just as bad. People rushing to announce the death of a celebrity that the thread title is normally just xxx died, and little or no text, just so they can get in quick enough to ‘break’ the news, and all anyone ever says is xxxRIP.

Yabbers · 31/12/2018 11:31

My MIL wanted to come to my mum’s funeral.

I can’t see how this is a problem, that’s a pretty common thing in families, isn’t it? My grandma wasn’t any kind of drama queen or anything, she came to my Granny’s funeral even though they didn’t meet often.

My mum would have been at my FIL’s funeral if I hadn’t needed her to look after our baby DD. She would have been there to support me. If MIL goes before her, I’d expect mum to come to the funeral.

People with random connections, long time distant family, I can see how them being centre of attention is really off, but we invite that uncle we barely see to the wedding, why is it a different convention for a funeral.

PooleySpooley · 31/12/2018 11:33

Buxtonstill

Yes - and what on earth does RIP really mean?

She was an Angle - now that’s funny Grin

Jsmith99 · 31/12/2018 11:34

I agree completely about Diana.

This virtue signalling, attention seeking nonsense started when millions of idiots who had never met the woman treated her death as a tragedy which affected them personally.

Social media has made vicarious grief infinitely worse by providing these muppets with a platform.

ikltownofboothlehem · 31/12/2018 11:36

I went into work the weekend after my birthday, people were asking if I'd had a nice time etc. When I says I had one colleague ran over screaming 'How can you have had a good time when Amy Winehouse died? How dare you?' She wasn't even a fan.

Everyone was Shock

BrendasUmbrella · 31/12/2018 11:37

I think it's certain personalities that do it (I'm sure my mother is a narcissist) and it's just another way of getting attention for themselves.

Yes. I used to know someone who would go to anyone's funeral, no matter how tenuous the connection. He loved the sympathy he got. He would just randomly say "Yep... (staring into middle distance) got a funeral to go to this weekend... (deep sigh, sad face)" and then mop up the sympathy. But ask how he knew them and sometimes he didn't at all. The more tragic the death the more keen he was to discuss it with anyone in range. It made me feel repulsed.

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