Grief Grabbers-why do they do it?

[PerryPerryThePlatypus]

There was a death in dh family just before Christmas, a much loved uncle passed away suddenly. Funeral was held a couple of days before Christmas.
At the afters of the funeral there was a screenshot of a post by someone who met this uncle maybe twice at the most (she married dh cousin and they moved away didn't keep in touch etc) being shown to family members. It basically said how am I going to get through Christmas knowing Uncle X is not here anymore. RIP I'm heartbroken.

She never even sent a card or came to the funeral. Just a rant.

I think sometimes it is guilt, for not keeping in contact, or an unresolved dispute.

I agree with the sentiments of the OP. You can remember someone simply and say you are thinking of their family at this time.

For those asking yes my aunt did give some of her DHs ashes to her DS gf.

It was very odd, she was like chief mourner.

They split up a few months later and I've no idea what happened to them.

A distant friend has spent the last month telling everyone how devastated she is about my DHs recent leukaemia diagnosis - really want to say “FFS it’s not about you - it’s been the worst month of our lives and i really don’t have the head space to console you”.

I would say for most it's attention seeking like people who tag themselves at the doctors or hospital and wait for people to ask if they are ok .
But I have a friend still good friends with I used to work with many years ago before everyone had mobile phones so was long time ago . Anyway her mum rang her at work to tell her uncle had died . My friend broke down hysterically I've honestly never seen anyone so upset in my life I thought it was her dad who died ( she was close to her dad ) but no it was her uncle of course it's sad you would be upset but it was a open plan office of 200+ people and everyone wondered what went on . Anyway manager told her to go home but she refused 1/2 a hour later was fine and when asked about uncle She said hardly ever saw him and he was quite old . She didn't even go to the funeral. people at work commented how odd it was but I think it was a reaction as she is not normally dramatic. Some people are highly emotional.

My close friend’s child died and one of the mums at my school totally hijacked the whole thing. The deceased didn’t go to the same school. She vaguely knows the deceased’s mother, but I know for a fact hasn’t seen them for a couple of years. This mum was in school sobbing to the teachers, sobbing at the school gates, telling everyone about this awful thing that had happened to her, it was unbelievable. Obviously she was just so cut up about the whole thing that she couldn’t make it to the funeral....

There was also a child in my DC’s class who said she knew the deceased as well, to get attention (they were 7!)

My cousin is the sort of person who posts every second of their life on Facebook and Instagram. Grandma was from a country in a different time zone, and her relatives in that country first found out about it after my cousin posted a picture next to her body!

DH's granny passed away in 2016. BIL's fiancée had only met her a handful of times. But she had to take the day off work she was so distressed. We all thought it was a bit . Turns out she was worried that their wedding wouldn't be able to go ahead in a few months - it was due to take place at GPIL's house.

This infuriates me. My aunt passed away and before we could notify all of the family personally, a "friend" of hers announced it on facebook!!! My cousin was even more devastated than she had been already and a few family members found out on social media when they should have been told by us. She just couldn't wait to get some attention at the expense of others. Needless to say she looked sheepish at the funeral.

That's awful when people announce on fb . The next of kin should always give permission before any acknowledgment is posted.

It’s all for attention. My stepdad died suddenly a few years ago and his ex wife turned up at the funeral (details of it were put in the paper). She demanded to be seated at the front and also to get up and speak which was obviously refused so she made a big scene at the wake instead. He detested her, had done for years but she stood sobbing talking about their ‘great times together’. He always told me she was an abusive piece of shit and seeing how she acted at the funeral in front of his bereaved family including my poor Mother, I believed him.

People do many bizarre things that are just impossible to understand.

I’m currently dealing with some of this. My sons Dad died earlier this year.

DS was 7 years old and the day after his mum, Mums partner, Dad, step mum, brother and sil piled over to mine made a big show about being there for DS and him being the most important person in all this. I explained I’d like everyone to be careful about what was said around DS as I needed to figure out how to explain that ex had taken his own life and I didn’t want him hearing anything until he was ready. Everyone agreed.

2 hours after leaving my house up went the post on Facebook tagging Ex and all family members in it starting with “we are saddened to tell you ‘ex’ lost his battle with MH issues and committed suicide on X date”

I was fuming, within minute my phone lit up because we live in a small town, my mum took my phone away in the end because it was relentless.

Ever since not a day goes by without some sort of social media tribute, hugely theatrical “thanks Huns” whilst accepting condolences. Yet have I heard from a single one of them to even ask how DS is since the funeral?! Did he receive birthday cards or Christmas cards from a single one of them?! Nope!

Blows my mind how people can be so blind to the fact that a little boy has lost his Daddy. A Daddy who he spent half his time with. They have no idea what it’s like because much as they like to paint a picture of a shattered family they only saw him a couple of times a year!

Christmas Day Facebook filled up with friends posts of the bloody headstone and how they all missed him so so had walked down. Except I know for a fact the pics weren’t even taken then because the few bits DS had taken up with me on Xmas eve were missing from the photos 🤔

Grief grabbers!

Oh @matilda that is awful. I’m truly sorry for your son.

How dare they!

I'm sorry for your son @Matilda15

Some people really are shameless.

Thank you - I’ve given up trying to understand them!

DS has such a kind soul, he’s decided they don’t bother with him because he reminds them of Daddy too much.

He’s too pure for them.

Matilda I hope your son is doing ok
What a terrible cruel and insensitive thing to do.

I've recently seen this in action. There was a tragedy in my town this year, I knew those involved. The number of people all over local Facebook groups commenting, trying to become part of it etc was really upsetting. Even worse was the speculation about the circumstances, not only on social media but at the school gates etc.

Matilda, I'm so sorry. He's so lucky to have you to protect him, but how furious you must be.

This thread has just reminded me of something

One of my mums friends lost an adult child, and these grief grabber types virtually accosted my Mum in Tesco hoping to bear the bad tidings, DM said they were positively frothing with excitement and that they genuinely said :

"We were just surprised it wasn't x" (sibling with a health issue)

I. MEAN. WHO. SAYS. THAT.

My sister had known the deceased her whole life and was a close friend but was prevented from attending the funeral due to circumstances beyond her control

We took an extra memorial booklet for her and the vampires were heard loudly saying

"THERE AREN'T ENOUGH TO GO ROUND YET SOME PEOPLE HAVE MORE THAN ONE"

Yes, well when you're a family friend of over 20 years standing and not a random community vulture THEN you can comment!

I can remember being utterly furious at the grief tourism after the death of Princess Diana - especially when some of the press weighed in with all the shite about the People needing their Queen to come down to London.

Two boys had lost their mum, and their loving grandmother wanted to keep them out of the public gaze, amongst family in those early days, but ohhhh no - they all had to come down to London and parade in front of the crowds.

I still find it hard to forgive the self-centredness some people displayed.

@matilda I have just lost my dad to suicide and have experienced exactly this, everyone who didn’t know him well or get on with him suddenly are all so heartbroken and can’t cope with the pain of it all.

Everyone took over under the guise of ‘protecting’ me from the organising of his funeral.wake, his belongings and telling people. But really it has left me with no say on anything, and they have even complained about the ‘stress’ of it all!

I have been left with sorting out his bills and bank though.

In amongst it all people seem to have forgotten that he was my father. He didn’t have a significant other, or anything like that. It’s just so infuriating.

Also when I have mentioned I don’t seem to be ‘left’ with anything (he has no money, and no assets whatsoever, but I would have liked a shirt of his and a ring he wore (worthless in £ but rich in sentiment)) but my mother and step sister have decided what I can and can’t have.

As it stands, I have nothing.

Grief grabbers disgust me. Scummy attention seeking fuckery.

@Butchyrestingface @Loughers you'd think so (that it was funny), but actually it was rather horrible seeing her so frequently nastily trade on real peoples grief and suffering for FB likes and "U ok hun?"

I've never regretted blocking the miserable wretch. She's a nasty piece of work.

I detest this kind of attention seeking.

My friend in her late 30s lost her husband early this year to cancer. He was just 50 by a week and everyone was absolutely shell shocked by it. His Aunt lived abroad. She posted a lot of cryptic "hate being so far away" type posts when he was diagnosed. When he was near the end she came back to the UK for TWELVE WEEKS, but "sadly didn't manage to see him" despite only being 2 hours away.

Then when he died it was Easter so the funeral was delayed by almost two full weeks. She thought she wasn't going to make it to the funeral so three days before the funeral, before his wife had really taken it all in, she asked her sister, who had just lost her son, to ask her DIL if she could have some of his ashes to make a memorial garden at her house that he'd never been too, in a country he'd never been too! Then when she did come to the funeral she ignored the decision for people to wear dark/black and wore something that had the widow in tears (think sports related).

At the wake she was overheard loudly complaining that she wasn't sat on the front pew with her sister as the two lead mourners when "non-family" was. The non-family member was his MIL who was a) listerally holding up her daughter and b) very very close to him. She also wanted one of her sons, who hadn't seen their cousin for 15 years, to carry the coffin and suggested that his brother-in-law who he was very close too should 'step aside for family'.

She's currently posting in cryptic tones again as my friend has made a specific plan to plant something in her garden, a tree that meant something to the pair of them, and she was told by a couple of people not to be ridiculous when she announced (on FB of course) that she was going to do the same. This is after she bought the exact same necklace that he had bought his wife, Mum and MIL engraved with a phrase they all used while he was ill.

Reading through all these FB and SM in general seems to make it far worse. I suppose it's a lazy way of being seen to grieve without any of the back breaking work of having cared for someone nearing the end.

I really can't fathom why people do this. A close friend of mine passed away suddenly and tragically a couple of years ago in his late 30's. He only had a small family but was very outgoing so had a good number of genuine friends. After his death, his partner of 10 years + changed his Facebook page to a 'remembering' one and a few people posted tributes. There was one particularly devastated one which I thought was a bit odd as I knew all of his close friends, even just from social media or him chatting about them but I had never heard of this person. As the weeks went past, this person posted increasingly desperate posts (getting lots of attention from his own fb followers), culminating in one stating that although he wasn't in a relationship with my friend, he knew they were soulmates, friend would have realised this if he'd lived longer and they would have been together for ever. Spouted that he could never be with anyone else now his true love was dead. Friend's long time partner, who was already in a terrible state was devastated. Close friends and family had been given a 'save the date' for their wedding only days before my friend died and friend was totally committed to his partner. Turns out that this horrible person had only met friend twice socially and knew nothing at all about him but was getting lots attention for his posts (until that last one when all true friends piled on his post and he had to delete).

My mother in law died suddenly just over 2 weeks ago and the range of grief related behaviour I’ve seen from people is bizarre.

*friends and acquaintances dropping by any time of the day and night asking very detailed questions about what happened, where she was found, when, who said what etc. Staying for hours and constantly reliving their disbelief, shock and horror very verbally to the family. Offer no practical support whatsoever.
*FB wailers, usually the younger generation - adult children’s friends, turning up at the pub, getting pissed and talking about the good old days with little regard for the family. Dhs best mate from childhood was the worst-turned up hammered, hugging everyone, interrupting FIL, I’m much sadder than anyone etc
*the people who don’t give a shit. Don’t call, send a card or come to the funeral and then cheerily ask “how are you? Did you have a nice Christmas?” When we saw them a few days later.
Er no, it was horrible to be honest. Did you hear what happened?
“Oh yes. Sorry I didn’t come to the funeral we were really busy” This was the deceased nephew and wife. Our whole family travelled to another country for his dads funeral a few years ago.....

The whole process has been an eye opener.