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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Contacting XH’s new girlfriend

38 replies

McCready · 31/12/2018 06:25

I have a very difficult relationship with my XH. He is in a new relationship which is a good thing as I hope it will make him less aggressive towards me. He is planning a holiday to the Caribbean with his new GF and is taking our 12 year old twins. I have asked if I could meet her - over coffee or similar - before the holiday, but he refuses (he finds it difficult to be civil face to face). Should anything happen to XH while abroad, new GF would be the adult responsible for my children, a long way from home. I want to put a face to her name so that she can reach out if she needs to but also to reassure myself on some level. Is it a good idea to contact her independently to set up a meeting?

OP posts:

Amanduh · 31/12/2018 06:28

No.

moanymoaner · 31/12/2018 06:29

No but if I was you the kids wouldn't be going with an adult I did not first know and meet . If only to have an idea of the person they are going with . It's a long way and if you're their primary carer and their mother you have a right to meet her at least .

blackcat86 · 31/12/2018 06:32

No. I can absolutely see your point and I would ask your exh to make sure that you're contact info is available to her in an emergency. However at 12, your DCs could equally contact you should anything happen to exh. Ideally he would want to be civil and you would have met his new gf but it isn't something you can force. Contacting her without his knowledge is a really bad idea which is likely to ignite any ill feeling that he has for you or anything he may have said to gf.

I would take a different approach of ensuring that your twins have essential contact info to hand, know where the nearest consulate is etc.

Squirrelslostnut · 31/12/2018 06:36

I can understand why you'd like to, but unfortunately you need to accept his refusal. If he went on holiday with them alone then if anything happened to him they'd also be in a strangers hands.

You need to trust his judgement as a loving parent that he is exposing them only to positive people for them.

The lack of control is hard to accept as a parent but when you split up you lost a say in some of your XH's decisions.

adaline · 31/12/2018 06:41

if you're their primary carer and their mother you have a right to meet her at least

No she doesn't.

moanymoaner · 31/12/2018 06:44

@adaline yes she does. If she cares for those children the majority of the time she has a duty to ensure any new person in their lives is nice to them moreso because they will be away for two weeks with her and quite far away!! . Why wouldn't ex h let her do this, she mentions abusive ? I wouldn't be consenting to my child going away for two weeks so far with anyone I didn't at least know to say hello to.

FortunesFave · 31/12/2018 06:45

Tell him they can't go then.

End of. I would. I would not allow this sort of fuckery.

araiwa · 31/12/2018 06:50

Massive overreach

llangennith · 31/12/2018 06:51

I'd want to meet her too, or at least talk to her over the phone. I'm surprised you're letting him take your DC on holiday abroad when you don't know the other adult who'll be there.

Wallywobbles · 31/12/2018 06:52

Unfortunately much as you might want to meet her and much as it really is a totally reasonable thing to want, he is the parent in charge on this occasion. You absolutely cannot stop them going, no one will ever forgive you. They're 12 not 2. Make sure they know how to contact you with the right country code etc. Finding out where they're going would be good but also not really your business I'm afraid.

RedHelenB · 31/12/2018 06:54

It's not up to you! He is their parent and you have joined right to meet her. Luckily 2 12 year olds are going so you can be contacted in an emegency. But that won't be necessary and I'm sure they'll have a great time so don't worry.

adaline · 31/12/2018 06:56

She still doesn't have a right to meet his new girlfriend @moanymoaner

She can ask, ex can say no. If she doesn't trust him or want him to take them, she can veto it, but she can't demand she meets his girlfriend!

AlaskanOilBaron · 31/12/2018 06:59

Personally, I think it's great idea and what a pity that your ex won't allow it. But it's his call.

Nanna50 · 31/12/2018 07:01

Do you have to give written permission for your children to travel? If you really want to meet her first you could withhold permission. Not advocating it, just giving an option.

However as a pp said he could be taking them alone and you don't really have the right to meet her. You will need to make sure that your twins have all of the contacts and means of getting in touch with home should they need to.

And I would be wanting to make sure they had decent holiday insurance too.

Nicknacky · 31/12/2018 07:05

Don’t blackmail him by refusing to give permission. That’s daft advice.

littleleeleanne · 31/12/2018 07:11

They can't have been together very long if you haven't met her yet? You know when the kids are being dropped off/picked up etc? Good luck would I be letting my kids go all that way with someone I hadn't met!!

Original poster

McCready · 31/12/2018 07:16

Thanks all, the overwhelming consensus is no, which I suspected it might be. XH does have to provide all travel details beforehand and if I arm boys with info I am sure they will be ok. It’s a long way which makes me nervous, but deep breath. It’s a shame XH can’t be reasonable. Ultimately I wish he’d move on as it would make co-parenting easier.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 31/12/2018 07:19

If they went on holiday with just your ex and something happened to him - they’d be alone.
As he’s traveling with a companion there’d at least be someone with them to care for them and get them home etc

Original poster

McCready · 31/12/2018 07:19

Ps XH and GF have been together some time and boys regularly stay at her house. They spent Christmas together, so it’s obviously serious, hence my wanting to get to know this person who is spending increasing amounts of time with my children.

OP posts:

heidiwine · 31/12/2018 07:20

People who say don’t let them go seem to be forgetting that children don’t ‘belong’ to one parent. They are not possessions. Both parents have responsibilities towards the children. In this case it is the fathers responsibility to keep the children safe and well cared for while they are away. Sadly when parents separate they have to accept that there will be times in their children’s lives when they cannot be around. In this case, the children are going away to the Caribbean for two weeks. What an amazing experience for them. I very much doubt that their dad would be doing this if he didn’t already have a good contact schedule established.
My advice OP is to make sure your children know how to contact you if they need to and try however hard it is not to imagine the worst (eg something happening to their dad).

heidiwine · 31/12/2018 07:26

From bitter experience you will not get to know her better until your relationship with your ex improves.
Sadly this doesn’t look like it will be the case but if I were in your shoes I would be doing absolutely everything I could to engage with him in a positive and adult way (not saying you don’t).
Relationships are temporary. Parents are permanent and parents that can’t be civil to each other are the last thing children need.

Original poster

McCready · 31/12/2018 07:26

Thanks Heidiwine.

OP posts:

ChristmasFlary · 31/12/2018 07:26

I was in a similar situation, except mine was the OW. I also asked to meet her as l didn't want our first meeting to be us meeting unexpectedly in a shop etc.

XH also said no as he felt it was too soon even though he introduced OW to the boys 4 wks after he left

I did message her directly though. Just to say hi and to thank her for the care she gives to the boys when they are with them.

Notacluethisxmas · 31/12/2018 07:37

People keep giving such poor advice here lately. And it's advice that's not helping the op.

The op has no right to meet her ex's partner.
If OP stops the holiday, you can bet he will do the same if she ever wants to take then away.

That said, op I know how you feel. But no you shouldn't contact her directly. If he was taking them away without her and something happened to him, they would be alone being cared for by people you don't know.

I do get you wanting to meet her. But I think you need to accept that's not going to happen.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 31/12/2018 07:41

No, it is not a good idea at all. I can manage to be civil in unlikely situations, I was in good term’s with exp’s ex wife and I’m still friends with my exh’s girlfriend. But they introduced us, we were nice to each other and I had no hesitation to help them out with the kids if thry needed it.

Exp2’s exwife demanded to meet me as she wanted to be reassured I was safe around her kids. I told ExP to tell her where to go, and refused to meet her for 5 years as I thought she was a controlling bitch (incidentally she was)

Sorry OP, but you need to respect the fact that IF she has not done anything that put your children st risk, you need to trust your exh’s judgement in choosing her.

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