Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contacting XH’s new girlfriend

38 replies

McCready · 31/12/2018 06:25

I have a very difficult relationship with my XH. He is in a new relationship which is a good thing as I hope it will make him less aggressive towards me. He is planning a holiday to the Caribbean with his new GF and is taking our 12 year old twins. I have asked if I could meet her - over coffee or similar - before the holiday, but he refuses (he finds it difficult to be civil face to face). Should anything happen to XH while abroad, new GF would be the adult responsible for my children, a long way from home. I want to put a face to her name so that she can reach out if she needs to but also to reassure myself on some level. Is it a good idea to contact her independently to set up a meeting?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 31/12/2018 07:48

What do you expect to get from meeting her? Either you want to meet her out of curiosity, which is not a good reason, or for reassurance. How are you going to be reassured? And what if you decide you don't like her? A 10 minutes meeting is not long enough to be a good jusldve of character.

It would be different if your kids had never met her but they do know her well and at 12, would have reported back any incidents.

I think you need to realise that meeting her won't bring anything to you and therefore you need to accept his refusal.

PumpedUpTermite · 31/12/2018 07:56

Being practical here.
You can’t stop them going nor demand to meet his gf (110% get why you’d want to though! And if I was the gf I’d push for it, too to reassure all concerned)
However, you can buy the kids phones with an international SIM card, top it up and make sure they can call you if they need to. Perhaps get them a portable charger, Too.
Also make sure you have a credit card or some savings handy in case there’s an issue.
Call them every day or night, even if only for five minutes to ask about their day.
I’m sure they’ll be fine but Flowers
It’s bloody hard doing the right thing sometimes

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/12/2018 07:59

Agree with black cat

Send them with a full list of insurance , health websites and contact details etc

Try and enjoy some time off to yourself

knittedjest · 31/12/2018 08:01

Do 12 year olds have primary carers? Once they hit secondry school afe pretty sure they become their own primary carers.

Fontofnoknowledge · 31/12/2018 08:09

*Moaneymoaner
*
Yes she does. If she cares for those children the majority of the time she has a duty to ensure any new person in their lives is nice to them moreso because they will be away for two weeks with her and quite far away!! . Why wouldn't ex h let her do this, she mentions abusive ? I wouldn't be consenting to my child going away for two weeks so far with anyone I didn't at least know.

Unfortunately you would not have a leg to stand on in a family court. There is NO obligation for one parent to introduce new partners to ex partners 'so they can fulfil any duty to ensure they are suitable to be around the children.' This 'duty' falls upon the other equal parent (in this case the father) to ensure their friends are suitable.
You could of course refuse to provide a letter giving consent for them to leave the country but your ex may decide that he will take the risk of not getting stopped at passport control or just going to court for a specific steps order. Which he would get very easily (£215 self representing) as the action he wishes to take - taking the children on holiday would definitely be seen as acting in their best interests and that your refusal is simply obstructive. In that you do not trust him to choose his own appropriate friends to be around his own children. It's a hiding to nothing and very childish. Smile, be enthusiastic for your children and accept that he is their parent.

It's interesting to see this dilemma and the responses. How different would it be if he had decided NOT to take them :

'My bastard ex is sauntering off to the Caribbean with his gf and is leaving HIS kids here - they haven't had a holiday for two years as I'm a SM. AIBU to think he should take his kids !

Personally I think he's a bloody star . If I had booked a holiday to the Caribbean with my new partner - the last thing I would want to do is bring to 12 yr old children along !

NameChangeNugget · 31/12/2018 08:27

I think you need to drop this. I think it’s a bad idea & cannot see what good would come of meeting her.

Hissy · 31/12/2018 08:40

The kids are with their father, he’s more than capable of parenting them. It’s just plain nosiness to demand to meet her.

The only thing that’s important is that your dc are happy being with their dad. If that’s the case, leave them to it.

Original poster
McCready · 31/12/2018 11:28

Thanks again everyone - lots of good practical advice here. I have been mulling over this issue for a while. Ultimately, until the situation with XH improves, there’s not much chance of having a civilised coffee and moving forwards in a way that I think would benefit us all, particularly the children. It’s sad, but that’s how it is, and so I just have to make sure boys have as much info as possible. Not allowing them to travel wouldn’t benefit anyone.

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 31/12/2018 11:53

I’m a step mum.

My OH’s EW stopped a agreeded holiday (agreed by her in writing) the day of the holiday. The reason being she said was she wasn’t comfortable with the children going on holiday (they were going to see their grandparents for a week) with a women they ‘barely knew’. I’d known the children over 9 months, been going with their around a year and a half.

My OH took her to court for breaching the contact order.

You can ASK to meet the GF but your OH doesn’t have to oblige. Just like you don’t need to have him approve who you introduced the children up on your time, he doesn’t on his.

As a poster very well said above. Children aren’t possessions owned by one parent.

If you stop the holiday ask yourself - is that in the best interests of the children or is it because of my insecurities?

I this case - the mother was given a stern talking to by the judge (who also threatened a change of residency) and she was made to reimburse my OH for the children’s cost of the holiday.

LakieLady · 31/12/2018 12:03

OP, if you were in a new relationship, and taking the DCs away with your new partner, would you think that your ex had the right to meet your new partner?

I'm not sure I would, and therefore I don't think I could insist on meeting the ex's.

greenlanes · 31/12/2018 12:43

Someone mentioned briefly above about written permission. Have a look at the entry requirements for that country and see if their government provides a recommended format. Some do, some dont.

If you complete the form, then you can add all the emergency contract details you want and give a copy to your children. Make sure their phones can call internationally

Re the G/F - you cant do anything about that so focus on the children instead.

joanmcc · 31/12/2018 12:48

@Notacluethisxmas You're sadly right. The thread a few days ago about a step-mother maintaining contact with the OP's children while dad was away with the RAF was a perfect example. Literally dozens of posters piling on with their opinions, some even lying and presenting them as legal fact, while the comments about the actual legal realities were drowned out.

Dieu · 31/12/2018 14:35

Yabu.
Regardless of what your relationship with him was like, he's their father and you should trust his judgement.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page