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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu and Pfb about social media?

34 replies

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 21:58

Hi all!!

Quick background! Have never had a great relationship with the ILS and have been told on here (nc!) to reduce contact many times. We now see them sporadically around once every 4-5 months when we go to visit. They have visited us maybe once a year for the last 10 years and it's always at our instigation. Anyway, I am now due to have our first baby (a few mcs, so very anxious but excited) and they are very keen. They have been saying all the things they will do with baby etc and have started contacting my dh regularly asking for updates. They now text me maybe once a week. They have also made a big fuss about telling all their friends and telling dh who he must tell. I am trying to remain polite and am aware they are just very excited. I know our relationship with them is going to change but I would like to take it as baby steps as MIL has said some pretty awful things about me in the past.

Anyway! SIL has text tonight asking if she can put our scan photo online (I think on instagram/fb). This is the third time she has asked and we have said we are not keen on this. Here is where I think I am possibly being a bit pfb! Dh and I have decided we do not want any pics of baby put on fb or any announcements. This isn't because it's a big secret and we are happy for ILS etc to tell their friends in person etc but just because we are aware how much of people's lives are now online and would like to limit this for our child. I would like them to decide what part of themselves is online and also not have a load of strangers who we don't know seeing all their pictures. Dh and I are not on SM and don't really get why it is such a big thing (I suppose because we aren't involved in it).

Another reason is I know how painful it was when we were having problems to see yet another pregnancy announcement.

We have discussed it all and decided that's what we would like. Sorry if I'm not explaining our reasoning very well!

I think I am probably already over protective of baby as it has been a struggle to get to this point. And to some extent I am feeling smothered by ILs and their sudden involvement in our lives. However I have told my own sister not to put things on SM too so I'm not saying it to spite SIL. I think ILs will see this as me being awkward with them but it is truly a joint decision.

SIL just keeps saying 'okay I will wait' and when dh says we don't ever want pics on she says things like 'it's fine I'll wait till you change your mind' ?? This makes me think maybe I'm being precious and other people think it too!

Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:

NeedAdvice12345 · 30/12/2018 22:01

Tbh the social media pictures wouldn’t bother me. Once your baby is at parties and school chances are there picture will be put on social media. But the asking you three times is disrespectful and I would be bringing that up with your sil.

Bambamber · 30/12/2018 22:01

I honestly think the odd photo now and again isn't going to do any harm. But posting someone else's scan photo is just weird. Scans seem so intimate, I don't see the need to share that with the world. But everyone will have different opinions

SPR1107 · 30/12/2018 22:03

I put pictures etc on social media, but also completely understand and respect those who don't.

I'm on pregnancy number 2, haven't experienced what you have, yet always been mindful of what others may be going through.

I have announced my pregnancy on SM, but never have I put my scan picture up and I've always waited until 20+ weeks.

Entirely up to you of course but would you be okay with her writing something but not sharing photos? You could say, we don't ever want photos up, but if you would like to say you're becoming an aunt then feel free.

Or if not, just outright say, we're private people and we like that we can share our most private news with those most important to us...or something similar.

Congratulations by the way!

CoughLaughFart · 30/12/2018 22:03

You’ve said no. That’s the end of it.

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:05

Yes it is mainly the scan photo sharing that makes me a bit 😳😳 atm! We have given them one of the photos and ILS keep asking us to send them the others.

If in the future dc is in a photo and it gets put on fb I won't be kicking up a fuss lol I just don't want direct photos put on :-) so if we had a family photo I wouldn't be saying blur him out ha I'd just ask that if they take photos of just him they respect our wishes not to share over SM.

OP posts:

pantyclaws · 30/12/2018 22:05

God she's got a brass neck!

Why does she even want to post someone else's scan photo anyway? Weird.

Just say "sorry the answer's still no, and we'd prefer it if you didn't ask again". You don't need to explain or justify your decision at all.

Suggest you practice your assertiveness before baby arrives. Sounds like you'll need it

European12345 · 30/12/2018 22:06

Hi
Ynbu at all. Your baby your rules. Why does sil need to announce YOUR news ?? Does she want to be the centre of attention ??

My dh and I have got sm however no fb announcement was done about pregnancy nor giving birth nor any pics are posted (----apart from when dh got drunk and mistakenly posted one )
J

Anyway it’s your baby (congrats btw) so they need to respect whichever decisions you take.

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:08

@SPR1107 I think that's part of the issue. Dh and I are very private people and I don't understand this need for sharing everything online (that's fine if people want to but we don't). ILs are very different to us. We have asked that they don't put stuff on SM about baby, so no announcements. I am not bothered in the slightest if they tell people in person. I'm aware I'm being a little precious I'm just very anxious atm and very much want to stay in our little cocoon! 🙈

Sil is also one of these people who often posts statuses for likes and for attention on Sm. I don't want my baby to be involved in that 😂 I'm not on SM anymore so I don't have to see it all 😂

OP posts:

Weenurse · 30/12/2018 22:08

Congratulations, and I agree no photos. My DC are 21 and 22 and I very rarely post photos of them, maybe once every 2-3 years. I always ask permission.

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:09

I am slightly concerned as neither of us have SM she may just go ahead and post but I guess I'd have to just suck that up 🙄 however my younger sister has her on most things and I'm sure would be ringing me ASAP to find out why SIL can post and she can't 😂

OP posts:

smokealarm · 30/12/2018 22:12

We don't put any photos of DD online. If she's in a big group and an anonymous face then fine, otherwise no.

I've told my mum and my family to respect my wishes and if they post any photos I'll stop sending them updates/pictures of DD.

Your child, your rules!! Hi

Just like people probably won't understand why I'm being so strict with SM, I don't understand why they're so blasé about it!

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:14

@smokealarm yep I agree! People seem to think it's the norm! Mil has already said we need to remember it's our baby but their gc and they just want to share the joy? That's fine but why online?!

OP posts:

Lolly34h · 30/12/2018 22:29

I don't put pics of my youngest baby on social media at all. And when we are family parties or anything like that I state very loudly and clearly that my dd is not allowed to be posted on there. It's actually one thing my family and friends respect.
The problem u will have is whether or not it will be respected enough by your ils or own family

smokealarm · 30/12/2018 22:29

@newyearnotsonewme yup, they can absolutely share their joy... by showing their friends pictures of your baby in person! No need to put it online for the whole world to see... and before anyone comments "oh my Facebook is private though" HAHA ok, because Facebook completely respect your privacy and can't access your photos?! Maybe I'm cynical because I've worked for tech companies in the past and know how much information we can get from FB and other SM profiles very easily regardless of levels of "privacy settings". Plus, as soon as a photo is posted, it stays on a server forever, even if deleted from SM.
I don't want photos of my young DD resurfacing in 10/20/30 years time thank you!

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:36

@Lolly34h I am 100% confident my family (although they may not always agree) will respect our wishes as parents. Tbh it's only my sister who really uses SM and we are close enough to say whatever to each other :-) ILs on the other hand have a track record for ignoring what we want in favour of their own wishes. Not to drip feed but we had huge issues with them at our wedding and that is why we are very LC now.

@smokealarm yep! That's one of my points, and I'd be mortified if all those embarrassing photos my dad took of me as a child resurfaced online 😂 its bad enough they exist in real life 😂 I just want our personal life to be semi private and not broadcast to hundreds of randomers!

OP posts:

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/12/2018 22:38

Minus the fact that it’s your baby and your rules. Your scan photo will have your full name, date of birth, NHS number and the hospital! No way would I want all of that personal information on any form of social media.

Your baby. Your rules.

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:45

@OurChristmasMiracle ooo never even thought about that 🤦🏻‍♀️ Wish I'd cropped those bits off now 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

Rooberoobe · 30/12/2018 22:46

OP I don’t post pictures of either of my children on any social media bar the very rare back of head photos. Mainly because I think it’s only fair they get to decide which part of their life is online.
One way I combatted it with family was to use an app called life cake. It’s photo sharing but only those who you invite to see it and saves them by date so a bit easier than sending pictures via WhatsApp or message.

SaucyJack · 30/12/2018 22:51

I’m not usually particularly fussed about people putting up pictures of grandkids/nephews/nieces online- but the scan thing is a bit weird.

Has it occurred to her that that’s actually quite an intimate medical photo of the inside of your reproductive organs? It’s totally utterly 100% up to you whether you want it broadcast online.

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:52

Thanks @rooberoobe I'll have a look :-) I think it's going to be very odd once dc arrives because i have such little relationship with ILs atm and clearly they have different expectations to us! I have told dh we need to sit down and have a chat at some point as I don't think it's fair to allow them to think somethings are going to happen that we don't. For example MIL has mentioned taking baby away etc and while this might happen years down the line it won't be happening for a very very long time!

OP posts:

Original poster

newyearnotsonewme · 30/12/2018 22:53

@SaucyJack I said this to a friend and he thought I was being daft 😂 I have pointed out when else is it normal to have a scan of your uterus and bladder stuck up for all to see 😂😂😂😂 especially as my bladder looks bloody huge on the scan 🙈

OP posts:

European12345 · 30/12/2018 22:54

You might need to remind them that it’s your baby your joy your rules. If they don’t follow them they might not get more pics of baby shared

Guineapiglet345 · 30/12/2018 22:56

I post pictures of my kids on social media BUT I have my settings so that only actual real life people I know can see them and only fully clothed and looking happy, no embarrassing pictures.

I would never post pictures of other people’s kids without their express permission and I totally understand why you might not want your child’s picture on social media.

I think it’s best to nip it in the bud with your in laws now or they will keep pushing and pushing.

BendingSpoons · 30/12/2018 22:56

It's not weird to say no social media photos. DD is nearly 3 and there is only 1 photo of her online. DH is more fussed than me and I like nosing at other people's photos, but it is rude that SiL keeps asking. Plus scan photos are not interesting unless it is your own!

cariadlet · 30/12/2018 23:19

Your baby, your rules and your SIL should respect your choices. I'm also a private person and never post photos of myself or my family online. Once my daughter reached her midteens she began to post the usual daft pictures that teenagers like to post of themselves and their friends but by then she was old enough to make that decision for herself. I'd have felt uncomfortable making the decision for her when she was younger.

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