I haven't spoken with my older sister for six months or so.
We didn't have the most fantastic relationship to begin with as over many, many years she has steadily become a very absent person in my life. She lives miles away from where me and my family are based and moved there when I was around 14 or 15, so I don't see her often, but when she does visit, she centres her visits around my mother but does not bother to contact me or my brother to make any plans when she is around. I can only describe her well with what my close friends who understand the situation very accurately refer to her as: the 'golden goose' of our family.
It was always a strained relationship in my eyes, but after her PFB, the distance between us grew considerably. PFB is unruly, spoilt, aggressive and rude, and has always has been. He is 8yo. My anger toward her regarding him and his behaviour is inflamed more so by her lack of authority or any real acknowledgement of his behaviour and the effects that it has on everyone around her. After she had her second born, my niece, things just got worse. She is now 5yo and is a sweet, well behaved child when she is not around PFB, but the two of them together is enough to make you pull out your hair (even for the most seasoned and patient parents). Her son has, in the past, kicked me in the leg as hard as he could and told me to my face that he hated me for something as simple asking him to sit in his chair, and she responded, and still does, by not taking a single punitive measure. One side of our family do not want to be around her or her children when they are visiting as they clearly can't be bothered with it any more.
Going out to a restaurant or other public setting with them is an embarrassment and an even further annoyance to me and my other family members as around other people she is very happy to place everyone else in a babysitter/parental role by proxy, and can often disappear without any notice, leaving you to deal with her kids, without a single thank you or apology. She usually allows them to run riot. I have witnessed the running around to other tables and sitting with other families, getting in the way of waiters, screaming, shouting, throwing nasty insults at people, and watching things loudly on their phones and iPads, all the the annoyance of the entire restaurant. She is never apologetic for any of it, and refuses to acknowledge anything is wrong. Anyone who may approach the subject with her will receive abuse or she will stop speaking to you for months or entirely, because in her eyes, you are wrong. You will always be wrong and how DARE you even say such a thing?! "They are just being children", "I don't want to crush their spirits", etc, etc.
So after me and my DH got engaged, the day came where I finally realised I had a choice to make for our wedding day. It occurred to me what a relationship altering decision this would be for me and my sister. If I invited my sister, would I invite her children? If I did not invite her children, would she even come? Would she even speak to me anymore? If I invited her children, could she, for once, watch over them to ensure they were well behaved and did not spoil our day? Could she do this for me even if she'd never done it for anyone? Could I survive the day with her children in attendance and let everything wash over me, because, after all, family is family?
It was unfair and unreasonable, I felt, to banish friends and family's children from our wedding just because of her children, and many of our lovely guests would have been missing from our wedding due to childcare issues.
My mother made this a more difficult situation, whilst trying to help, by telling my sister that I had set out a 'no children at all' wedding, and that she could not invite her children, despite the fact that I had already verbally invited our close friends and their children previous to invites being sent out. Knowing that my sister could essentially come to our wedding and slowly realise that it was not a 'children free' wedding, I knew she would be hurt and angry on the day and that this was one of the worst things I could do to her and her kids. I did not want to exclude them either, after all, it was not really their fault.
This twisted my arm even further and eventually I sent out an invitation to her, advising her my mother was mistaken and that her children were welcome, and I asked her and my niece to be bridesmaids, all in the best hope that everything would be fine, and that we would all have a lovely day and a new experience to bond over.
The day of the wedding came and as the day progressed, I realised I'd made a grave error in thinking anything would be any different with her and her kids. It started with the meet and greet immediately after the ceremony; whilst me and my DH were supposed to be welcoming and thanking our guests for coming, I ended up with her 5yo daughter clung to my leg, as my sister had already gone missing. This lasted about half an hour. Strike one.
Before dinner, my sister thwarted my table plans by doing nothing as her daughter then had a full blown tantrum in front of everyone because she wanted to sit next to my older niece (my brother's daughter) and my stepdaughter, and so because my sister did not take control of the situation, my maid of honour and DH's best man were forced to move onto another table to allow her daughter to sit there, which lasted all of twenty minutes, before she flitted between that table and my sister's table, leaving me without my MOH or my DH his best man on our top table, and a lot of empty seats on our top table, before dinner even began. Strike two.
During the speeches, her son ran back and forth with her phone in his hand, filming everything and shouting, getting right up close to everyone's faces with the phone whilst they were making their speeches. My sister did nothing to get him back in his chair. By this point, I was finding it difficult to enjoy the speeches or my dinner. Strike three.
During and after dinner, they ran around the restaurant area, going from table to table, or wandering around on their own. Me and my DH had purchased over £100 worth of polaroids for the camera so that everyone could take a photo of themselves with props for our guestbook. Because my sister let her children run around unattended, unbeknown to us, they used most of the film on stupid pointless photos and then broke the camera before many guests could take photos and sign the guest book, until my stepdaughter let me know this is what had happened. Strike four.
At some point in the afternoon, I came back from the toilet to be alerted my DH's best man that he had been looking after my sister's 5yo daughter as he had discovered she had been sat on a stool at the bar for nearly an hour on her own, completely unattended, chatting to the bar staff, my sister no where in sight, to which he was disgusted. Her son was running around like a lunatic. My maid of honour, DH's best man's wife, was equally enraged when she had discovered this as well, and stormed off to locate my sister. Strike five.
After my sister was located, I decided it may be best to have a quick word with her as by this point I wasn't happy at all and both DH's best man and my MOH had got me fired up and I'd just about had enough. I don't even think I was angry or rude at the time, but politely informed her that DH's best man had looked after her daughter for an hour as she was unattended and upset, because my sister could not be located, and that it was not my guest's responsibility to do this. I also informed her of the broken camera and wasted film which was a result of their actions, and asked her if she could please keep a better eye on them. No more serious incidents occurred apart from when I was saying goodbye to them all when they left, and went to give her son a hug, who told me that I was disgusting and smelt awful, as he'd seen me have a cigarette, and that I was going to die. I said nothing.
I texted her days later, and had no response. I tried to ring her one day, no answer. Messaged again over the coming weeks, no answer. Photographs went up online, no comments or likes from my sister. Didn't think anything of it at the time over the years I've heard nothing from her only to suddenly get a message back weeks or months later.
Around the three month mark, I receive a long FB message out of the blue from her to explain that she was hurt and angry about what I'd said to her, that the children did nothing wrong, that they'd come in good faith and she'd decided before the wedding to make more of an effort in our relationship but that the day spoiled everything and she wished she'd never come. Then a lot of fictionalised accusations that I'd told all of my guests before the wedding that she was a bad sister, a bad mother, and that her children were awful, and that everyone was 'laughing behind her back' for the entire day. In addition to this, she accused my DH's best man and my MOH of being shit stirrers and backstabbers who made up a load of lies about her on the day, caused a huge situation regarding her daughter being unattended, and that I needed to reconsider who my real friends were.
According to my mother, my sister later confessed to her a few days after the wedding that she was hurt and angry because I had said this to her, and that she and the children had come in "good faith" to enjoy our day, but that after I had a word with her, that she had wanted to "go home" and "had a miserable day".
I didn't respond to my sisters message and that was nearly three months ago now. She's sent no follow up since either. It felt like the final injustice, the nail in the coffin. I even thought about writing a letter. I've been silent because I can not sum up how I feel and do not know how to fix this, or even if I should or if it can be fixed, because I feel justified in what I said to her that day and feel I do not need to explain myself or apologise. Why should I sit and say nothing whilst you do nothing to rein in your children on our wedding day? or AIBU?