My son was flamed for using a priority seat on a bus

[mindgoinground12]

This is more of a rant so i can get it out there, i may be being unreasonable though.
So a bit of background, a lot of the time i post here about my eldest son, who has MH problems along with physical problems, my family suffer from a genetic connective tissue problems, that i didn't know i had until the birth of my 4th child, DS2 and 4 suffer moderately, my eldest (and myself) has it very mildly and is a dancer as well so almost uses it to his advantage! Because i have 5 DS's and a lot of time this year has been taken by my eldest DS being very poorly, i make sure every know and then to spend one to one time with each DS.
So today was the time for DS4 who is 11, i asked him what he wanted to do and he said he wanted to go look at some star wars lego that he wanted to buy with his christmas money and get some ice cream, i also took it as a time to get him some new shoes, some clothes and we had some time playing in the arcade it was such a lovely day and he had such a wonderful time to it was so nice to just talk to him, but he did get tired rather quickly so we called it a day at about 15:30, unlike in the morning when the bus was very quite it was really busy, there was about 2 seats free, one right at the back up the stairs and a priority seat, so like we have done many times before i told him to sit in the priority seat, if the bus is quiter i try and find two other seats for us to sit together near the front but as it was obviously a very busy bus, when we have done this before i/he have been starred at a few tuts but i brush it of dont get in the argument, but today was different, when the bus got moving, a women sitting near us said 'he will have to move soon people may want to sit down' I politely commented that he has a physical disability and needs to sit down, she proceded to argue that he dosen't and looks fine, i commented that not evrey disability is always visable, then another man chimes in with the 'this generation are just lazy' comments between the two that were also said were 'no respect to the older generation and how hurt they could be if they fell on the bus, because my young son refused to stand up' (he could be very hurt falling on a bus) and that i was teaching him to be weak if he can stand he can stand on the bus etc. I think i might just be being extra sensitive because hes my boy, i know i will never see these people, i know whats going on, but it knocks his confidence he was very upset afterwards, about how hes not normal and as a mother it makes me feel like a failure. Something similar happened with DS2 whilst on his own and it knocked his confidence, I of course understand that these two will have just seen my son walk onto the bus and sit down in a priority seat, they don't see some of his joints in supports, they dont see the medication he takes, they don't see that sometimes he does have to use a wheelchair, they dont see how tired he is and that hes in pain, at that point was being hidden by the smile of the lego toy he was grasping in his hands, he recently started secondary school (this september) and a massive thing for him was being diffrent, if i could take his pain away and give it to me i would do it 10 times over.
Sorry that was really long! i might be being unreasonable, over sensitive etc, but i just had to get it down myself.

That’s just awful op. Some people are such arseholes. Hope your son is ok. Threads like this are important as they raise awareness.

I am so sorry for your son and I hope that he is feeling better about what happened now.

As a separate issue, how do we ensure that those with disabilities get priority seats? Clearly the public can not be policing this as you will never know who does and who doesn't need the seat - do we just expect all able bodied people to be honest and kind? It's so frustrating.

mytie

We start with the children, and try to appeal to their good nature.
A campaign saying how it hurts the lives of those with disabilities if they are able and take the seats.
We can't tell who needs them and who doesn't.
Teach kids about hidden disabilities when they are young.

You should have asked her about her medical qualifications . Seriously, what a pair of nobs to question your son's right to sit in a priority seat when there wasn't even other people needing it at the time anyway.

When people do things like this to me, on the rare day I'm well enough to go out without my wheelchair, I take photos and videos of them and plaster them all over social media. Twats.

Op what you describe is discrimination plain and simple. Complain to the bus company. Don’t accept disablism. They need to retrain the drivers to step in and handle these situations. We wouldn’t expect someone to put up with homophobia/racism so why is disablism acceptable?

thank you again for all you kind words, the badge is a good idea, although not in London, we up t'uh north and i dont know if he would wear it with his i dont want to be seen as diffrent thing, but i think it would be a better solution to confutation.
I tried my best not to make to much of a scene fo DS's sake but i wanted to scream at them!

@mindgoinground12 I'm so sorry you had to experience this. Some people are so ignorant. Every disability is certainly not visible. Something that annoys me is going through airports. I ask for special assistance for my
Kids. They sometimes get through faster, sometimes not. My mum on the other hand uses a wheelchair to get through airports as she has difficulty walking longer distances due to knee pain. Shes gets through faster every time. She's ok in a wheelchair as in no pain thus can wait in a queue. As it's so visible however it's acceptable. My kids, on the other hand, who do need assistance, often have to wait. She thinks this is awful too, but it's the general stereotype that a real disabled person will be presented in a wheelchair. Rant over. I hope you encounter more reasonable sensible people going forward.

If he didn't stand up for someone who needed it more, then perhaps you should have?

In the OP it says she has the same condition so that would not be a good idea, especially as she is the carer for her ds and as she is older injuries would take even longer to heal. Part of the condition is that it takes a long time for injuries to heal. Dd still having physio for injury in September and now new injury on other side.

I know these things can't always be planned but if going by bus I try to make sure that we finish shopping at the far end of town so go to bus stop A rather than B or C, this means that the bus is emptier. I ask the driver not to move until we are seated and go towards the back of the bus. No one really cares too much who is sitting at the back of the bus. You can get stickman cards which might help - they explain the condition. Having said that some people just won't be told and hold on to their prejudice even in the face of the evidence.

mindgoinground12

OMG EDS, you son needs the priority seat all the time. I have to confess I didn't know anything about it until I taught a girl with it. She dislocated three joints in the first lesson I taught.

People can be dicks. I was diagnosed with arthritis at 26, people don't see the pain or the splints.

There seems to be a group of people of a certain age who think you have to be elderly or in a wheel chair to have any type of disability.

I have found, "you can have my seat if you'll take my disability' can work quite well.

I did work for someone who was being challenged about his use of a bb space, he took his leg off and threw it at them.

DH was challenged when still on crutches for a broken hip, I was challenged when heavily pregnant (“it’s not an illness”), and DFIL got into a disability top trumps with some woman who thought DFIL should give his seat up so her husband could sit next to her (“he’s nearly sixty!” “Well I’m 72” “he has high blood pressure!” “I’ve had two heart attacks and a pacemaker!” “Well you look healthy!” “So does he!”)

So I’d ignore them. Your son could have no arms or legs and somebody would think that wasn’t enough to warrant a priority seat.

Unfortunately some people are just ridiculously ignorant. And Not meaning to make such a generalised statement but I find often the older generation are the worst for it. I'm 8 months pregnant, have spd, and have cardiac problems which effect my mobility even when not pregnant! I've had many older people tutting when I sit in a priority seat, both since being very obviously pregnant and before with the conditions I have. I did have one lady in particular who was ranting at me as to how those spots were for disabilities etc and I pointed out that not all are visible, and maybe she should not assume because I look 'young and healthy' that I am. She caught me on a bad day and she actually started screaming at me saying how rude I was! It took me a lot of strength to hold it together but I simply said maybe you are the one who needs to assess your attitudes to people as there are some people who could be really struggling and would be terribly effected by her ignorance! She got off at the next stop thankfully, not before moaning to the bus driver!

Unfortunately some people will never understand, and all you can do is support your son in the way you have and bring him up to be less ignorant than those around him! Sorry that you and him have gone through this though! Sometimes it's just the last thing you need!

I have an invisible disability I also have an issue with my spine that is managed quite well. However there have been a few times in my life when I have had to use a walking stick. Many people were extra nice to me on those occasions. My back issues are basically mechanical the unseen disability could kill me off.

I’m really sorry this happened to you and your DS, you sound like a lovely decent person. I must admit I would have ended up arguing but I can see why you wouldn’t want to in front of your DS.

Sympathy from another EDS zebra, OP. Your poor son shouldn't have to put up with that sort of grief but sadly there are some ignorant people in the world who wear their ignorance like a badge of honour. That's a worse disability than any physical or mental condition so I try to feel pity for them. As it happens I don't like using the priority seats as I feel less secure in them (our buses' priority seats don't have a handrail in front to grab when being flung round roundabouts etc) but on bad days when it's sit down or fall down and that's all that's available, I'll sit there and woe betide anyone who tries to tell me I shouldn't.

sashh I like your boss's style!

Hang on, the son on the bus I also a dancer? I'm not being funny but if he's a dancer then why does he need a priority seat? I have EDS and whilst I understand how bad it can be, I don't see why he needed a priority seat if he's capable of being a dancer??

You don't need to care what people you don't know think of you.

Sit down, headphones in, ignore stupid and uneducated comments.

I've noticed a lot of accessible toilets now have signs up saying not all disabilities are visible - maybe public transport should do the same.

I have EDS and whilst I understand how bad it can be, I don't see why he needed a priority seat if he's capable of being a dancer

I don't know anything about EDS - in fact I'd never heard of it until I watched one of Gareth Malone's choir programmes and Hannah French, a musicologist who helped with the programme, has EDS which made me look it up. Presumably however there are degrees of severity?

@Mummylife2018 I read the OP's post as her DS1 being the dancer, and DS4 i.e. his younger brother having the encounter on the bus.

@TitOfTheIceberg I wasn't sure if I read it right!

Either way, I suggest getting a disabled bus pass? They have your photo on and are free. Nobody can dispute a Disabled Bus Pass

I'm so angry on your behalf. People can be real assholes. How about getting your lovely DS one of those badges that say "please offer me a seat"? Or would he hate that?

I don't know if EDS would qualify you for a bus pass. DD was told she was not eligible for a blue badge because she was not disabled enough. Constant pain, daily dislocation and a frequent flyer in A&E are not enough apparently.

I have the TfL "offer me a seat badge". They also come with a wallet card in case the badge is too much. I'm 28 and have it because I have hyper mobile joints and damage from resultant injuries. I fall a lot and sometimes I need to sit. The badge is great, it stops the judgement although I think some people think I'm pregnant!

They're free from the TfL website and I think you can order them from anywhere in the uk? Im in Surrey and I've worn mine outside SE England on visits by rail/bus and although it's not "official" I've never had any problems.

Sorry, I've just rtft and seen that's been suggested!

In my council area you have to go through Social Services to be assessed for a bus pass, unless you have one of a small handful of specific disabilities (of which EDS isn't one). I wouldn't be classed as disabled enough because I can function moderately well in most areas of life with the appropriate aids and adjustments; unfortunately/ironically bus travel is one of the most tiring and painful activities I have to navigate and sometimes it can be the thing that tips an okay day into being a crap day.