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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not accept promotion because hours don’t work for me?

53 replies

Skinnyjeansandaloosetop · 30/12/2018 20:29

This work dilemma is driving me nuts! I have been offered a promotion, great I thought. However I would have to change my working pattern if I accept. I currently work 4 days, have Fridays off, and finish at 2pm 2 days and 5pm 2 days. So currently I can pick DC’s (4 and 7) up from school 3 times a week. The other 2 days they go to after school club. It also means I can go to my DS’s reading thing on Friday mornings (my day off), take DD to her dancing class on weds and brownies on mon. If I take the promotion they will be at after school club 4 days a week. DD will
have to give up her dancing that she loves, no more friends round for tea before brownies, no more reading on Friday mornings (if have to work Fridays). This working pattern has only been going since sept. Before that DS was at nursery and I did different hours which were
hectic. I have loved being able to pick the kids up from school and have more time generally this last term. If I take this promotion all this goes. However, promotions come up rarely. I would like to progress. Extra money isn’t that significant but always welcome. I feel it’s
expected that I should move on. I just don’t know what to do! No friends that are in a position to help with pick up. DD hates ASC, my
Mum was diagnosed with a shit cancer last year. Don’t know if that’s significant but just adding all the info !

OP posts:

curlykaren · 30/12/2018 20:32

Don't take it. Your family life is too important to you at the moment, you'll never regret spending time with your kids and your Mum. X

Podemos · 30/12/2018 20:34

If it were me, I wouldn't take it. But it's so personal to you, your goals, your short and long term situation.
Your choices are 1)take the promotion and maybe resent it each time you miss out on something (which sounds like daily). But enjoy the long term reward of better pay/ position. 2) don't take it and enjoy the time with your children, but resent/ regret it a few years down the line when you think about the position you could have been in at work.

GemmeFatale · 30/12/2018 20:37

Could you have a different flexi pattern in the new role? Or job share? Or is it being offered as full time 9-5 or nothing?

Starface · 30/12/2018 20:38

Actually I agree, don't do it. You can get a promotion in a few years. How long a working life do you have left? Will you be able to do everything you want in the remainder of your career even if you miss this particular promotion? If yes, don't even consider it. Career is long, childhood is short. You are keeping your oar in and have a sweet deal, that is good enough. However, if they want you and have brought this to you, then explain your reasons. They may be flexible if they want you enough.

JennyHolzersGhost · 30/12/2018 20:39

Where is the kids’ father in all this ? Is it perhaps time he made some career compromises to facilitate his family ?

Purpleartichoke · 30/12/2018 20:40

I chose the professional mommy track and I don’t regret it. I make a really good salary working part-time, more than many people make working full-time. I’m also working enough to keep up my professional contacts and skills. In exchange for my reduced hours, we get a much more manageable family life. DD gets more free time. If money were tight, I would work more, but it just isn’t necessary. It helps that I have several coworkers, both male and female, who have made the same choice so there isn’t much stigma attached.

TokyoSushi · 30/12/2018 20:41

Don't take it. Yes promotions are rare but another will come up, look after your DC and DM for now, you won't regret it.

scunner · 30/12/2018 20:41

Don’t take it. You are likely to regret it after a few weeks. It’s lovely to be able to spend time with your children and get them to after school activities without complications. I think you really know the answer and feel the need for approval not to take a promotion. You also need the time to be there for your mum.

AnnieOH1 · 30/12/2018 20:41

How much extra money will it bring both now and longer term? Could you do this role for a couple years and then move upwards for same money and less hours?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/12/2018 20:44

Can't their dad collect them from school?

How much money are we talking?

EmUntitled · 30/12/2018 20:44

I wouldn't do it, its mot fair on you or your kids to miss out on all that family time.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 30/12/2018 20:45

What do you actually want to do? Will you love and welcome new duties, opportunities and position at work which will come with promotion? I don't mean the money bit or the sensible thinking for the future. The actual job. You haven't mentioned if you love it or is it just a means to an end.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/12/2018 20:45

I wouldn't immediately turn it down. All your reasons are to do with the children's activities. What about you - would you like the new role? It would depend how often this kind of opportunity came up. It sounds like you're working about 60% at the moment, would it increase to 100%? That would be a big leap and probably too much.

Possibly dd could do dance another day? Our local one has a lot of Saturday slots.

Alb1 · 30/12/2018 20:46

I wouldnt take it, it's not the best option for your family right now. And if the money isn't significant it's probably unlikely to make any difference after paying extra after school club.

I also wouldn't judge you for taking it though if it's what you wanted, there's nothing wrong with doing things for yourself if it's what you want.

SnuggyBuggy · 30/12/2018 20:50

It sounds like the time isn't right

Marshmallow91 · 30/12/2018 20:53

I'd politely turn it down, explaining briefly why you are turning it down. You may find they are willing to accommodate. If not, then your not losing anything

shitholiday2018 · 30/12/2018 20:53

I think you know the Answer but I don’t blame you for wanting approval. Women these days are told we can have it all but we really can’t. Either you work full time and family life takes a hit or you work part time and career takes a hit. There is rarely a perfect balance.

I’ve done both. I spent several years so stressed that I didn’t enjoy my kids’ early years much, and missed loads. I gave up my career completely when my youngest (then 2) cried and ran to her nanny for comfort when I was also in the room. That was a massive wake up call for me. When distressed, my child chose someone else, because kids bond most with the people who they see most and who provide for their basic needs. That wasn’t me.

Now it is. I spent a couple of years off work and felt frustrated too, though accept I was very lucky that my partner earns enough to facilitate this choice. I then went self employed when both kids I’m school and work part time. Career wise it is a huge compromise. But family wise, I get to pick up and drop off my kids most of the time, take them to activities, share their happy and sad stories in real time. Most of all, I am their go to person when they scrape a knee or have a fall out with a friend, and for me that is worth the tens of thousands in salary I gave up to facilitate that role.

It’s not for everyone. I get a pang when a mate gets a promotion or has a full on work social life. But I get so much more from my family, and them from me. And that is priceless.

Go with your gut.

Miljah · 30/12/2018 20:55

Another 'don't take it'.

How much cash is involved?

IME, certainly in my job, the 'landscape' has changed so utterly in 2 years, let alone the 14 I've been there, you might find that when you're 'ready', socially, for the promotion, either the chance of promotion is nil ( but then in this new professional landscape where you just don't want it, far too much shite!); or every sentient being in the company has been upgraded. In which case you'll get a promotion/pay rise along with the rest of them.

Your hours 'working for you' is so important, many would (metaphorically) kill for them. Do explain why you've decided not to go for it; it might not cut any ice, but down the track, in (we can only hope) 'softer' times; you have a clear cut reason for refusal back then: your ability to prioritise what's important in your life at that time.

LaurieMarlow · 30/12/2018 20:56

It sounds like you don't want to take it. So don't.

No one should feel pressure to climb the career ladder if it doesn't suit them.

However, on a separate note, I do wonder where your DP is terms of childcare responsibilities. Has he no input at all in pickups?

UrsulaPandress · 30/12/2018 20:57

You can’t get back time with your children.

shitholiday2018 · 30/12/2018 20:59

And I don’t know if it’s relevant but I firmly believe in one partner in a relationship getting the chance to make a decent go of a career. In ours that was my partner, with my absolute blessing. I actively wanted to look after my kids myself whereas he didn’t. I don’t want to work 70 hours a week and not see my kids til the weekend - he can do that because I’m there to pick up the slack. Sometimes, both parents compromising is achievable, but in big careers, it rarely is. Personally, I’m so glad that one of us has progressed Normally career wise while our kids are getting full time care from another parent.

pfwow · 30/12/2018 21:02

Family first for me, every time. But it's such a personal thing.

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 30/12/2018 21:03

I wouldn't take it. There isn't any real reason to. You're happy with your current role, the money isn't much better and you would actually be no better off, possibly worse due to more need for childcare. The only reason to take it is because its expected. That's no reason at all. Promotions do and will come up again, probably when the kids are a bit older and these issues won't exist.

Original poster

Skinnyjeansandaloosetop · 30/12/2018 21:04

Thank you everyone for your replies. I feel you have just affirmed my feelings which, I felt, might sound daft if I said them out loud. ‘I can’t take this job because i want to be able take my daughter to her dance class’ ?! DC’s dad is present but works FT and in a less position to have flexible hours. He does what he can but his commute is longer than mine. I will say I am still willing to take job, on same hours and see how that goes down (lead balloon springs to mind). I do love my job now v much, senior job less so I suspect, but I feel I need to ‘move on’? Maybe I need to get over that. Thanks again for everyone taking the time to reply

OP posts:

DropZoneOne · 30/12/2018 21:06

It sounds like you're currently working 24 hours and they want you to increase to 30, so 4 full days instead of your 2 shorter days?

Could you compromise and do 30 hours over 5 days? So 2 full and 3 shorter days. You'd give up your day off, but would still manage all the after school stuff.

Explain you'd love the opportunity of the promotion and are keen to progress, but your children are young and you value the time you have with them. Worth a go?

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