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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not accept promotion because hours don’t work for me?

53 replies

Skinnyjeansandaloosetop · 30/12/2018 20:29

This work dilemma is driving me nuts! I have been offered a promotion, great I thought. However I would have to change my working pattern if I accept. I currently work 4 days, have Fridays off, and finish at 2pm 2 days and 5pm 2 days. So currently I can pick DC’s (4 and 7) up from school 3 times a week. The other 2 days they go to after school club. It also means I can go to my DS’s reading thing on Friday mornings (my day off), take DD to her dancing class on weds and brownies on mon. If I take the promotion they will be at after school club 4 days a week. DD will
have to give up her dancing that she loves, no more friends round for tea before brownies, no more reading on Friday mornings (if have to work Fridays). This working pattern has only been going since sept. Before that DS was at nursery and I did different hours which were
hectic. I have loved being able to pick the kids up from school and have more time generally this last term. If I take this promotion all this goes. However, promotions come up rarely. I would like to progress. Extra money isn’t that significant but always welcome. I feel it’s
expected that I should move on. I just don’t know what to do! No friends that are in a position to help with pick up. DD hates ASC, my
Mum was diagnosed with a shit cancer last year. Don’t know if that’s significant but just adding all the info !

OP posts:
shitholiday2018 · 30/12/2018 21:07

Never be ashamed to say you turned down the job because you wanted to spend time with your kids - that’s what being dance class chauffeur is. Agree you don’t say that in your application though, you can big up how keen you are in your application, sell how you can fulfill the role in your current work pattern. You have nothing to lose. Do as a bloke would do and SELL yourself - don’t explain your reasoning for the hours, just say how you can do the job with bells on within them.

JohnCRaven · 30/12/2018 21:09

You have a very similar working pattern/work-life balance to me and my feeling when I read this was nope I wouldn't do it. You can do it when the kids are older. All of those things you mention are important to me and I earn enough that more money/responsibility doesn't appeal more than the work-life balance I'm lucky enough to have.

Incidentally I've been offered more hours recently due to taking on a new project and I declined.

LaurieMarlow · 30/12/2018 21:11

i will say I am still willing to take job, on same hours and see how that goes down

This is a good idea. You might be pleasantly surprised by their reaction. And if not, at least you were clear about being keen on the job on your own terms.

InAPreviousLife · 30/12/2018 21:13

I've purposefully stepped away from several promotions because I'm not willing to compromise the time I have with my children.

When my youngest is in secondary school my perspective might change but right now keeping the fine balancing act between earning enough to keep us and still spending time with my family is more important.

You're not turning down the job for your daughter's dance class. Your turning down a job because the hours won't currently work for your family. That's not to say they won't ever work for your family but in the here and now you have a choice and you're choosing your children.

WisdomOfCrowds · 30/12/2018 21:13

Do as a bloke would do and SELL yourself

Blokes in this situation would expect the other parent to make sacrifices to facilitate their promotion. I knew as soon as I read this that the dh was going to have a Very Important Job that couldn't possibly accommodate flexible working.

Having said that, I'd turn it down as well OP. Spend the time with your mum while you can Flowers

Nogoodusername · 30/12/2018 21:18

The EXACT same thing has just happened to me. Our DC are similar ages too - mine are 4 and 8. I currently work 3 days over 4 - so two full days (10-6, home about 7.30) and two half days, which means I do 3 pick ups and also my eldest can do much loved extracurricular activities. New job would be 4 full office days, so only one pick up and after school.
I’ve decided not to go for it. I feel like I look really crap and unambiguous, but it’s just not the right time for me. Maybe in a year or so it would be possible, but not this year. That’s what i’m planning on telling work - would love the job but this year is not the right year for me to be changing my working pattern
(DH is very highly paid so the money would be small and make no difference really)

Nogoodusername · 30/12/2018 21:21

A follow up - my DH was doing one day from home and an early finish for the past 7 years but just started a new job a month ago and needs to establish himself in the post for a while before going back to a day where he would be in charge of a pick up and extra

strangerthongs · 30/12/2018 21:22

can't you get a childminder?

JennyHolzersGhost · 30/12/2018 21:25

So you have compromised your career a bunch and now you’re going to compromise it some more while he doesn’t compromise at all. That’s fine if that’s your joint decision but it does make me sad that women are left to make these compromises alone most of the time.

RussellSprout · 30/12/2018 21:27

I recently took a new more senior role on worse hours and am regretting it. I thought I wanted progression above all else, now I realise the work life balance is more important. I wish I could turn the clock back. Don't be me!!

cucumbergin · 30/12/2018 21:35

Definitely worth asking what scope there is for promotion on the same or similar hours - you don't have to go into details to justify it to anyone. But it's also worth your partner investigating options too - he may find that there is a bit more scope than when he asked previously.

Whatever you choose, try to keep future options open as much as possible. I work part-time and have been promoted twice - I could go up to full-time, but I like the balance and my current seniority gives me a lot of flexibility (e.g. I don't have to ask about popping into school for an hour, I can work from home that morning and work around it). Consider what options your choices now might give you in a few years when your youngest starts school. Does it get less flexible or more so as you get more senior in your line of work? Are you at a "sweet spot", or would it be better to keep moving up a bit?

And also, sadly for some, keeping your options for higher paid work open may help give a DP/DH the opportunity to step down when ill health strikes. DP had a health scare a few years ago and cut back his hours significantly - we were able to do that at the drop of a hat because I was able to bump my hours a bit and we had made efforts before to let my income "catch up" with his. He's really enjoyed spending more time with DS, and his health is so much better - I was really thinking he wouldn't last till DS was an adult at the worst points.

May be easiest to lay it all out on a single sheet of paper: divide into three columns, and write bullet points for pros, cons, and stuff that doesn't fall tidily into either.

Original poster
Skinnyjeansandaloosetop · 30/12/2018 21:41

It’s enlightening how many people have faced/are facing this dilemma. And true, seems to be primarily woman who experience this. I’ve worked hard (re-trained, did second degree) to do my job now, but like others are saying, this will only be a dilemma for a few years. I’m 40 this year so have 25 (30?) years of work ahead of me. Whatever the rights and wrongs / male vs female responsibility, I knew I didn’t really want to give up the deal I have now. I guess it isn’t wanted to check this wasn’t utterly pathetic. Big thanks to everyone- I’ve only ever posted once before about my cat but have always ‘lurked’ so massively appreciate the response! Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
BackforGood · 30/12/2018 21:50

I agree with virtually everyone.
I think your current hours sound perfect.

I would go back to them and say that you are certainly interested in the challenge the new role would provide and the challenge and responsibility and career development being offered, however at present it is important to you that you balance everything in your life, so were wondering if there is a way to make the hours work for both your employers and for you ?

However, if they feel a way can't be found to make it work, then I would stick with what you have at the moment. It isn't about getting her to the dance lesson or Brownies per se, it is about 'being there' and knowing their friends etc. You can't measure how wonderful it is to have the privilege of both being able to work and have the opportunity to do that.

Rednaxela · 30/12/2018 22:10

It's so hard isn't it. Either way you will at some point wonder what if!

So I'd say change the way you're thinking about it, it's not quite an either/or. Number one rule for work is don't ask, don't get. It's surprising how far you can get being "pushy" and "assertive" with a good solid poker face while the boss has a good sweat! I've only done it a couple of times but always been pleasantly surprised by the results. You have nothing to lose by putting forward your case/ criteria.

Reason for keeping your hours the same doesn't even have to mention kids. Just make a business case. I passive agressively said to my boss at my review "I've not had any negative feedback about my availability during the week, are you aware of any feedback?" Make them dig deep for business reasons why not to give you the package you want. Don't ask, speak in a way that you presume the answer is going to be yes. Though of course prepare answers for objections.

Good luck!

RoseGoldEagle · 31/12/2018 09:48

You sound like you have a really good balance at the moment- finances ok, still in the workplace but enough time off to get to do a lot with your kids.

I am in a similar position to you in terms of hours and still getting decent money for them, and while extra money would always be nice, I wouldn’t take on extra hours for anything to be honest, I absolutely love being able to spend time with my daughter. Someone at work asked me a while ago if I felt bad that a colleague who’d been with us for much less time than I had, had been promoted above me, and it made me smile, as if being promoted is the only goal there is.

Of course if you WANT the new position for yourself, then you would be completely justified in taking it. I would just make sure you separate the feelings of what you feel you ‘should’ do (progress, take that next step up the ladder etc), with what you actually ‘want’ to do (of course they may be the same!). It IS hard, and you will probably feel guilty either way- which you shouldn’t! As others have said- can your DP request flexible working so he could maybe do one of the school pick ups?

RoseGoldEagle · 31/12/2018 09:49

Sorry missed your post where you said your DP can’t really do that

gamerwidow · 31/12/2018 09:55

You say your DP isn’t in a position to have more flexible hours but how true is that. Has it ever been properly explored or is it just that he works FT and commutes so it’s just assumed he can’t?
Is there really no possibility for him to ask for condensed hours or a early start and finish one day or to work from home one day a week.
They might say no but has he even asked?

KeysHairbandNotepad · 31/12/2018 09:55

I think you're making the right decision for you op. Your working hours sound really convenient and make your work/life balance better than that of most people.

I've turned down progression in the past even though it was handed to me on a plate. I don't regret it at all because I'd have missed so much and have ended up paying for extra childcare also.

KeysHairbandNotepad · 31/12/2018 09:58

*would have

Biologifemini · 31/12/2018 10:00

Take it!!
Just stick them in after school club.
You may be able to change hours at a later date.

EmUntitled · 31/12/2018 10:24

@Biologifemini

"Just stick them in after school club" Hmm What a lovely way to think about children

NewName54321 · 31/12/2018 10:42

Ask if you can do the new role on the same hours you currently work, which will obviously save the employer money. If not, then don't take it - other opportunities will come up and you will be working for many more years than you have young children.

Which will you regret more - having less time with your children and them having to make sacrifices to enable your career, or delaying the promotion?

cucumbergin · 31/12/2018 13:34

"Just stick them in after school club" hmm What a lovely way to think about children

This kind of judgmentalism is not helpful EmUntitled - plenty of kids have to go to after school club (and for that matter, plenty love it more than being dragged around Tescos etc!)

As it happens OP has said her DD isn't keen so not the ideal solution for her at the moment. But to treat afterschool club as a terrible thing to do to kids is not a reality based statement but arrant nonsense aimed at making other mothers feel like shit about their choices. Maintaining a stable income and roof over your kids heads is also putting their needs first.

LannieDuck · 31/12/2018 13:50

I would:

  1. Do as you're doing and ask if there's any possibility to continue your current working pattern in new role. Or suggest other working patterns that would accommodate you.
  1. Have DP request flexible working (if he hasn't ever asked, he really doesn't know that it's not possible. Yes, it might harm his career to ask, but you're considering turning down a promotion. Why should his career be protected even when it's at a cost to your career?)
  1. If neither 1 or 2 is possible, reluctantly pass on the promotion.
ChristmasFluff · 31/12/2018 18:13

Don't be afraid to ask for what you want. I think women don't do this, in general, to their detriment.

As a 'for instance', I turned down a post as they would not take over my (NHS) car lease, and I couldn't afford it. They phoned me back within a week and agreed to paying for the car lease. But it's important to not do it as a 'calling your bluff', more as an 'I know my value'. I turned them down never dreaming they would come back to me.

Your life and peace of mind are worth so much more than any job. And when you value yourself at that level, strangely, the opportunities you need open up to you - the car thing was just the start for me x